Violent, Sweet Perfect Words
by orangestripes66
Summary: I don’t even bother ordering any coffee or any kind of drink. By the way my hands have been shaking I am sure to knock it over and cause a scene and a mess. I don’t need any more messes.
1. just one more minute, please

**Hello my friends! This is a new story. I'm not sure where I'm going with it, I only have a general idea. Buuut I hope you like it all the same.  
Let me know what you think. =)**

It is completely fascinating to experience the way memory works. Shapes, sounds, smells, colors, noises, whispers, screams, sign, faces. They can all bring you back to a certain moment. A certain memory that aches deep within your soul where you've been trying to hide it for so long. You tricked yourself into thinking that you threw that memory into the trash compactor. Ground up and never to be seen, heard, or experienced ever again. And then you see the sign. You small the smell. You hear the song. And you are instantly transported into the past. So much so that you swear to God in heaven that you're reliving it all over again. Only this time everything, all your senses are heightened. Because when it actually happened, you thought nothing of it.

You can't escape.

That simple fact scares the shit out of your pretty little smirk. Your cute little face. You know you will never escape, never forget. Sometimes you think this is good. Like when you smile at the memory, thinking _Oh man, remember that?_ And sometimes you think this is horrible and so painful your chest physically tightens. Your eyes burn for unknown reasons because you're not supposed to cry. Tears? No. You don't do tears.

But the most heartbreakingly beautiful thing about memory is that it is yours, and yours alone. You hear that one song, and only you know the meaning behind it. Whoever you're with, family, a friend, a co-worker, they have no idea. They just think it's a nice song. But to you, it is so much more than a nice song.

Some people have been trying to find out what the worst feeling in the world is. Many think it's unhappiness. A lot think it's boredom. Some people think it's guilt. They're all wrong.

It's despair.

Despair is the single most painful thing a human being can feel. It consumes you. Despair is the complete loss or absence of hope. Without hope, you are nothing.

I am sitting outside the train station sipping my Gatorade. It's the orange kind, the best kind. And listen to my next sentence carefully because it is a lie. There is no vodka in my Gatorade.

Lately, the only thing allowing me to get through my day is that burning sensation down my throat and into the pit of my stomach. Of course, all it does is numb me even further.

So I sit on a bench, sipping my caustic fluid, a cigarette dangling from my chapped lips. I need Chap Stick, I should write that down. My white lighter is digging painfully into my hip from it's place in my pocket. It's one of those small ones. White lighters have the notorious reputation of being bad luck. You either lose it, get it stolen, or it explodes on you. Even though I've lost about five of these over the years, I still don't believe in the myth.

My hand reaches into my back pocket every minute, checking to see if I still have my train ticket. I have that paranoia. That the second I get onto the train my ticket will somehow fall out of my pocket. And I'll be stranded.

No one wants to be stranded.

And then I hear the little bell ding, signaling the train coming down the tracks. My head snaps to the area from where the noise comes from. And I hear it. That sound that punches my brain back into a memory.

"_I wish I could come with you." I told her sincerely as we waited on a bench in front of the tracks. It was chilly out. Only dressed in a light sweater and jeans, I started to shiver a bit. I wish I had a scarf. _

"_Me too." She said to me, smiling brilliantly my way as she said it. "But, you can't miss any more summer school, and I'll be back soon."_

"_You better." I mumbled. _

"_Come on, aren't you a little happy for me?" she asked my sweetly, nudging my shoulder. The momentary warmth of her body on mine made me light-headed. _

"_Of course I am Spencer. I know how much your nerdy ass wanted to get into that writing program." I laughed out, teasing her. _

"_Hey!" she exclaimed, although I knew she wasn't mad. She never was. "I told you to apply for the music one. Then we would both be going." _

_I shrugged, making it out to not be a big deal. But it was. I was afraid of rejection. I didn't want to apply and then be shot down. I don't think anyone wants that. "I wouldn't have gotten in." _

_She snorted loudly. "Yeah, right Ashley. What a liar." _

_I laughed lightly and turned my head to look at her. Even though it was an overcast day, you were still able to see the beauty in the girl next to me. The wind blew her blonde hair around as she constantly swiped it from her face. With her head leaned back, her eyelashes thick with black mascara that made her blue eyes pop, she looked beautiful. _

_The dinging of the train bell brought me out of my daze. The lights from the train could be seen as small globes coming towards us in the tracks. She stood. I stood. _

_Spencer smiled at me and wrapped her arms around me. She was only leaving for a few weeks, but I had a bad feeling. My stomach grumbled nervously and my usually steady hands were shaking. They pulled her waist closer to me and I whispered in her hear. "Call me when you get there." It was a demand. Not a question. _

_I wanted to say more. There was something in the back of my throat that I wanted to let out. I felt like this would make a good time to say it, even though I wasn't sure what it was. My brow furrowed as she let go and I missed it. I didn't understand. _

_My best friend was leaving for the few weeks in the summer vacation. That was no big deal. So why, if it was no big deal, did I feel this uneasiness? Those thoughts in the back of my throat dripped down and pounded painfully in my chest. _

"_I'll miss you Ash." She smiled at me as she walked towards the train. _

_If she had just given me three more minutes, I would have figured out what those words were that I felt like I needed to say. _

_Spencer stood still for a couple of seconds, almost like she was waiting for me to say something. I could feel it coming. Just another minute, that's all I needed. _

_But she smiled at me, turned around, and got on the train. I watched it start slowly down the tracks, gaining momentum after every second. The train was still in my sight when my chest constricted painfully. Not like when you see something sad. It was more similar to when you get a football thrown at you and it knocks the wind out of you._

_If she had just waited one more minute. Just one small minute, I would have been able to recognize the words in the back of my throat. _

_If I had just stalled her for one more minute, I would have been able to tell her that I loved her. _


	2. subliminal messages

**Chapters will get progressively longer.  
Reading and reviewing is much appreciated.  
Oh, and I don't own South of Nowhere. **

A train holds a medley of people.

The mother with the little child who won't just shut up for two seconds. She tries to give him a cookie or a toy. But the child doesn't want it. Maybe, he wants something more. Children are greedy like that. The mother looks exasperated, willing someone to just tell her what to do as her child jumps on the seat next to her. This child is obviously untainted and oblivious to the world and the horrors and heartbreak, loneliness and despair it holds. I am envious of that child.

The man in the suit with his brown briefcase clutched closely to his side. He talks on his cell phone in whispered tones and makes hushed hand movements. The pinstripes down his jacket tell you he's wealthy, but a dickhead. Maybe he's talking to his wife. Or perhaps he's talking to a lover, to obtain some sort of pleasure before he's rushed into a busy work day. His coffee is in a traveling mug and you wonder if it's cold or lukewarm. I hate lukewarm coffee. He's not even sipping it, it's just sitting in his hand. And when he runs a hand through his salt-and-peppered hair, you can see the winkles around his eyes tighten just for a moment, like he's trying to push away bad memories or indiscretions.

The kid with his guitar case sits with his legs propped up on the seat across from him. You wonder, can he actually play the guitar? Is he going to school for it? Or maybe he's just going to go the park and strum a little in the sunlight as people pass him and think _look how peaceful_. When really, he's just strumming away frustration, because that's the only thing he knows how to do. Maybe his heart is broken. Maybe he has just broken a heart. His songs are melancholy, you're sure of this, and they're originals. Made up from pieces of broken relationships and past events. Part of you wants to go follow him, see if he really does go sit down in the park. But you have more important matters to deal with besides watching some kid play a guitar.

The old lady sits tiredly by the window. Her eyes open and close every now and then, and you wonder whether she had a hard time sleeping. It is early, after all. But then again, don't all old people get up at the crack of dawn, read the newspaper, and catch the soap operas on TV? Living through characters who have so much drama going on that they just can't seem to see what's really important. Her bag is big, and full. And you wonder what she could possibly have in there. Maybe she's going to visit her grandchildren and give them presents. Presents like packages of cookies or Caramel candies, rosary beads or trinkets from the last casino she had just come home from. She had a whole life, a full life. And you wonder what you'll be doing when you're her age.

The young woman dressed in a pants suit with ear buds in her ears, iPod in her hand. She has on heels, but not the crazy tall ones, the more comfortable ones. She's going to her internship, you think. Maybe at a law firm. She spent years and years in college and in Grad school only to end up on a train early in the morning to a job where she'll be getting coffee for the partners. Perhaps this is what she wanted. She feels accomplished, that she's actually going somewhere with her life instead of sitting on her couch at home, like many of her fellow graduates. Law school was tough, but she soldiered on. She's proud, but she's nervous. Because what if she screws up? She hasn't come this far to get yelled at for putting whole milk instead of low fat milk into a coffee that her boss probably doesn't need.

The couple in the back are huddled together in a comforting fashion. The girl has a small smile on her face as her boyfriend whispers something apparently funny or witty into her small ears. She loves him, it's obvious. Her hands are splayed about on his chest, playing with the collar of his green jacket. Their actions and intimacy reveal that they've been together for a while and they know nothing else. They're naïve enough to think that they'll be together forever. They want to get married, have the puppy, the 2.5 kids, the white picket fence surrounding the quaint house in a suburban neighborhood, the swimming pool, the Volvo in the driveway. Or maybe the Civic. You can't be sure.

Sometimes, when you're on a train, watching all these people about to engage in their everyday lives, you're bitter. Because you see all of them and they seem to play a role or have some purpose. You even wonder what people think of you, sitting by the window, your head back on the headrest, your eyes closed. What do you look like to them?

Do you appear to be the young girl, heart hurting, about to go home and then visit your mother in the city who you only sporadically see? Do they know you're dreading it? Are they aware of the fact that you don't get along well with your mother?

My eyes start to close, but just when they're about concealed, the mother yells something that I can't make out and I hear a splash of liquid on the ground. I look over and the child has spilled his juice cup, juice leaking down the floor.

Cue memory.

"_Why are we doing this, again?" I asked Spencer as we stood in her kitchen one Sunday morning._

"_Uh because." She answered absentmindedly, stirring the contents of batter in a bowl._

"_For a writer, you're not s good with the words my friend." _

"_Shut up Ash." Spencer chuckled, her face scrunched, still stirring. _

_We were making French toast. It was so…normal. Sunday morning, and Spencer had called me because she said we had to do something important. So I got to her house and it turned out she had tricked me into coming over to make food. "I was bored." She had said, smirk placed firmly on her face as she opened the door to reveal me with tired eyes and messy hair. "When something really important does come up, I'm not going to come. Like, the boy who cried wolf." I had said. "Except the girl who cried wolf." Spencer answered, closing the door behind me._

_I sat at the kitchen table, watching her stir and cook and read and fry and whatever other breakfast things were going on in this kitchen. _

"_Come here please, lazy. You're no good to me just sitting." Spencer said over her shoulder. _

_I grabbed my cup filled with apple juice and made my way to the counter, close to her, reading the book over her shoulder. _

"_Alright." I said with mock annoyance in my voice. "What's going on here babycakes." _

_It wasn't abnormal for me to refer to Spencer with terms of endearment. It wasn't weird, it was just…common. Because calling her just Spencer or Spence didn't do it. She was more than that to me. Something more intimate, a more intimate version of the best friend I had always known. _

_Spencer smiled softly at me. "Here, pour this in." She handed me a cup full of milk._

_I felt oddly domestic. Like making French toast in a kitchen can make you feel. My apple juice just added to that feeling. Sweatpants, loose t-shirt, converse. All added to that simple feeling of being domestic. Could it get any more domestic than standing in the kitchen while the sun shone through the window above the sink?_

_I didn't think so. _

_I moved my head to pour the liquid into the bowl, and that's when the bright sunshine caught my eye and I couldn't see. I managed to spill half the milk into the counter and it dripped down. Spencer jumped back instantly, my hand grabbed the towel on the counter, the towel that I had placed my juice cup on top of. The juice cup dropped ot the floor and juice ran through the cracks in the tiles of the floor. _

"_Ashley!" Spencer exclaimed as she moved her bare feet to avoid the moisture on the floor. _

_I laughed, I couldn't help it. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I grabbed the towel and started to mop up the mess I had made. _

"_Do you have to cause disaster wherever you go?" She asked me, her eyes narrowed, watching me bend to the floor. But her eyes were sparkling playfully and I knew she wasn't mad. _

"_Come on Spence, you should know the answer to that by now." I chuckled. _

_Spencer shook her head and pushed me from my bending down position so I fell into the puddle. "Douchebag!" I yelled as I felt the cold liquid infiltrate my previously dry shirt. I threw the soppy towel at her and it hit her right in the chest, her eyes wide in surprise, mouth agape. _

_She pretended to not help me clean it up for about fifteen seconds before she changed her mind. _

My memory ends right as I am stepping off the train. It was a meaningless memory. Honestly, no significance to anything, except to the way we used to be. So, really, significant to everything.

When I finally get into the city, my feet take me the rest of the way to my mother's building. When I finally arrive, my eyes look up at the pretty building, deep orange door, black railings, curved steps down to the sidewalk. The nice little trees lining the street indicate that she does, in fact, live in the expensive part of New York. There's something about those steps that make me want to just sit down on them and have a cigarette. Maybe that's a _Sex and the City_ kind of fantasy that I feel I have to play out.

So I do.

I sit on the steps in the slightly chilly fall weather and watch the leaves sway on the trees. I don't know why my mother called me to come over here for the day. I don't totally hate my mother, no. It's just that I don't feel the need to sit in her expensive apartment sipping martinis while she asks me over and over again through subliminal messaging why I'm so shitty and bitter.

Maybe today I'll tell her.

But I know I won't.

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**Just a little note: I totally wasn't anticipating writing a new story so soon. But I randomly got this idea, and I had no choice but to start writing it. Hope that's okay with everyone =P**


	3. what you see is what you get

**Okay, the first two chapters were kind of an introduction of sorts. Things start to fly from here. Thank you all for the reads and reviews. Please keep it up! You guys are all kinds of wonderful.  
Enjoy. **

My mother's apartment is shiny.

You know, in that way where you're afraid to touch anything in fear you'll break or crack something. Kind of like a museum. Everything is shiny. Tabletops. Counters. Cabinets. Refrigerator. A lot of these things are white, too. And not off white, _white_ white. Sterile white. When you walk in, the table in the foyer has a vase on it with shiny flowers. They look fake. They are fake.

"Mom?" I yell out into the expanse of the apartment.

"In here, dear." She answers back from what I think is the living room.

I walk further in and see my mother perched on the couch with a fancy glass in her hand, liquid as clear as the glass. She's watching TV, flipping through a magazine.

"Hi mom." I greet her and sit down on a couch next to hers.

She doesn't say anything. She waits until the segment of _The View_ she's watching is over. When it's done, she turns to me and gives me a tight-lipped smile. Because of the Botox, probably.

Botox scares me.

"How are you Ashley?" She asks, her eyes glancing over my appearance. I'm wearing ripped jeans, a tight black _Misfits _t-shirt, my glasses, and a plain grey zipper sweatshirt. I'm comfortable, but to my mother I look disheveled.

I shrug in response. Sometimes, there are ultimate shrugging moments. When a shrug is really the only answer that completely embodies what you're trying to say. _How was the baby shower?_ You shrug. _How was the plane ride?_ You shrug. _Are you sure you want to go rock climbing?_ You shrug.

_How are you? _You shrug.

"How are you mom." I say, not ask, just out of politeness.

"Wonderful. Donald and I just got back from Cancun, it was lovely…" She trails off about her vacation with her new man of the month. She's always got one. They come and go, like mood swings.

Just as she's talking about swimming with the dolphins, or something equally cheesy, her doorbell rings. My mom excuses herself to go buzz the intruder up, and I wonder who it is.

When I see my half-sister trailing behind my mother, with her clicking high heels and jingling bracelets, my mind wonders why she's here. My mother only ever invites both of us over when something important is happening. Like the time she called us both over to announce her third Botox installment. Or when she told us she was getting a divorce from her third marriage. Or was it her fourth? I can't keep track.

"Hey Ky." I say and smile at my half-sister. She sits down next to me.

"Hi Ash!" She says just a little bit too bubbly.

Kyla and I get along the way a sister and her half-sister get along. Pleasantries, niceness only because we met when I was eighteen and she was seventeen. We didn't have time to build a foundation so we're stuck in that limbo. But we're working on it.

"So, Christine, what was so important that I had to come over? I have to go interview for a job in about an hour." Kyla says, playing with the expensive piece of jewelry around her neck.

"Well." My mother starts. She's all wide smiles, as wide as they can get. Her eyes are looking around frantically. "I'm getting married!" She bursts out excitedly. I shoot Kyla a look. If it was one thing we can always agree on, it was how crazy my mother is.

"Again?" I ask lamely. Because I know what this means. This means rehearsal dinners, talking to people I don't know and don't like, eating fancy food like duck, big weddings, uncomfortable dress fittings, and lots of flowers.

"Yes, again, Ashley." My mother answers in an annoyed tone. "Donald asked me in Cancun!"

"Congratulations." Kyla tries to say excitedly, but she gives me a secret eye roll and I stifle a chuckle.

"Jesus, I thought you two would be happier for me." She says, putting her hand out for us to admire her new rock. It's large. And very shiny. It fits her apartment quite well.

"We are. Congrats, mom." I give her a real smile. "Your ring is beautiful." I say, because it is.

"I know." She smiles giddily like a thirteen year old girl trapped in a forty-five year old woman's body. "Anyway, the wedding is relatively soon, so I want you both to be prepared. I'm having an engagement dinner here in a week or so, and I need you both here."

Kyla and I nod. We're used to the drill. Except this time my mother seems much more excited than the last times.

My mother continues. "I really think this one will stick." She smiles and sighs in a loving way into the cold air around us. My mother's apartment is always colder than it needs to be. She says it keeps her skin _young_. Whatever the hell that means.

I zone out as she starts to talk about what we have to do, when the dinner is, and who's coming. "Have you talked to her recently?" My mother directs this question towards me. I don't know who she was talking about, I had been watching a commercial for laser eye therapy on TV.

"Uh, who?" I ask.

My mother rolls her eyes. "Please pay attention Ashley. This is important. Spencer."

My head snaps unnecessarily fast in her direction. "Spencer?" I ask quietly.

"Yes, Spencer Carlin. That is your best friend right? Kyla's boyfriend's sister." She says like it is the most normal thing.

I can't blame her, though. My mother has no idea that I only talk to Spencer Carlin sporadically, maybe once a month. That we really aren't best friend anymore. Hell, we're more like acquaintances. She doesn't know that her question and indifference kills me. But she doesn't know, so I can't blame her.

But Kyla knows and she gives me a sympathetic look. She kind of cringes at the bluntness of Christine.

"Uh..." I trail off, now knowing what to say. "Why?"

"Because she's coming, and I asked her to help you with some things for the dinner and the wedding."

"Why?" Kyla asks after a minute of me not answering due to the shock.

My mother makes a disgruntled noise. "Look." She says, ignoring Kyla's probing eyes. "I just need you two to really help me out with this."

"Why? It's not like you're working or anything, I thought you live for this stuff." I say caustically. Because it's true.

"I know, but I really want to get this one perfect, and it's going to be bigger, and I need my daughters' help, alright?" She answers harshly, giving me a rough look. "And please, Ashley dear, you're one to talk about not working."

I stiffen at her words. "I have a job." I say through gritted teeth.

"You give guitar lessons." She says dryly.

"Christine." Kyla says softly. "No problem, we'll take care of it. Just tell us what needs to be done." I thank my half-sister with my eyes for saving me from smacking my mother across the face.

It's ridiculous the way my mother thinks of me. When our father died, Kyla and I got his trust fund. It was enough to keep me living safely for pretty much the rest of my life, even when split in half. I used it to buy an apartment and put the rest in the bank. I don't splurge and I don't buy cars and jewelry and things like that. I took a job giving guitar lessons because I felt like I needed to have some kind of job. It might not be the noblest thing, but I enjoy it. And it gives me extra money that is purely mine. My mother sees the fact of her twenty-two year old daughter that didn't go to college as a dent in her perfect life. Well, what _she_ thinks is perfect.

But what really eats away at me is the fact that Kyla is the exact opposite. She bought a fancy car and goes shopping on Fifth Avenue like it's recess, and I get criticized. Perhaps Christine doesn't see Kyla as her actual daughter. No, that's mean. Or maybe she just is so used to criticizing me that it doesn't matter what I do.

"Good. Let me go get my list." My mother says and gets up from the living room and strides into her bedroom.

I look at Kyla with tired eyes as my mother leaves. "Thanks." I murmur softly.

Kyla nods. "I can't believe she's doing this shit again."

"I know. I swear, this better be the last time." I laugh quietly.

"Yeah. So," Kyla starts hesitantly, "Have you talked to her?"

I take a deep breath and sigh. "Um, like a month ago, that's pretty much it."

"Ashley I-" Kyla starts but I cut her off.

"Ky, I don't wanna talk about it." I say roughly and my mother comes back in before she can say anything else.

The TV starts playing a commercial for some music store and the images of a girl sitting at a piano makes my mind turn my mother's living room into a memory from four years ago.

_I sit motionless at the grand piano in my old house. My fingers brush over the keys and they feel very cold. The black of the piano is so shiny it doesn't fit in the living room with the comfy carpets and soft paintings. _

_I don't even wipe the tears from my eyes because I refuse to acknowledge them. I refuse to accept that they are real, that this is real. My fingers start to hit keys, and I'm not playing a song, it's just unintelligible notes and rhythms. _

_I hear the door slide open and close and footsteps come near me. She sits down right next to me, side touching side on the small bench. _

_You would think that giving someone whose father just died space would be the appropriate thing to do. And if it were anyone else, I would have yelled at them to get the hell out and leave me alone. But Spencer's presence doesn't bother me. It comforts me and I let her sit. And she knows she's allowed to. _

"_Hey." She says softly. _

_I don't know how she knew to come over. Maybe I texted her when I was in a daze and I just don't remember. _

"_My dad died." I say in a very monotone voice. I don't turn towards her, I keep my eyes focused on my fingers pushing down on the black and white keys. _

"_I know. That sucks." She says quietly, with emotion, emotion that I don't have right now. And with those simple words, all I want her to do is just hold me. Because she didn't say _I'm sorry_ or _Are you okay?_ Everyone has asked me those two questions over and over again for the past five hours and I was sick of it. _

_You can't be sorry unless you know. And asking me if I'm alright is ridiculous. Of course I'm not alright. Fuck, my father just died, do they think I'm having a parade? So I appreciate Spencer's blunt and true words with all my heart. _

"_Thank you." I say as I turn to her. Her blue eyes are shiny and sad and I know she understands why I am thanking her. She always understands. _

_I haven't been crying much. Only a few tears dropping now and then. It should have devastated me. I was sad, don't get me wrong. I just didn't sob hysterically or throw a fit, or fall to the ground. I was mad at myself for having such a weird reaction. _

_My hands stop pressing on the keys and they slide off the piano slowly. I look at Spencer for a second before I wrap my arms around her waist and press my face into her neck. She holds me close to her and I wait for the sobs to come. And they do. I love that she waited for me to come to her, knowing it would do no good for her to hug me first. She understood me. _

_I feel my body start to shake in her embrace and she just rubs my back affectionately, whispering quietly, soothingly, in my ear. I try to take myself away and tell her I'm getting her shirt wet with tears but she just holds me tighter, not caring about her shirt. _

_After what seems like hours, I finally pull away from her. _

"_Will you go with me?" I ask her. Her clear blue eyes are now very shiny with tears of their own. She knows I mean the funeral, but I would never say it out loud. _

_Spencer leans close to my face and gives my cheek an affectionate, soft kiss, catching a tear on her lips. "Of course." She says quietly and gives me a small, tilted smile. _

_I nod, and let her hold me again because the pain disappears slightly in her arms. _

Kyla and I make our way down the steps of Christine's building. I immediately light up a cigarette, taking advantage of the _Sex and the City_ scenario again.

"You should really quit Ash." Kyla says, sitting next to me.

I shrug.

"So this should be fun." She says dejectedly.

I snort. "Yeah, these are _always_ loads of fun. Have you met Donald?" I ask her.

"Yeah, like once. He was alright. Standard business man, I guess." She says, looking down the street at the busy traffic and violent honking of New York taxis.

"How's Glen?" I ask her, because it's the nice thing to do. And because I'm secretly hoping she'll tell me about Spencer.

"He's good. He just got a job at um, that sports thing..." She trails off, her eyebrows scrunching together, trying to remember.

"ESPN." I say easily.

Kyla snaps her fingers. "Right, that. How'd you know?" She asks, looking my way.

I blow some smoke out of the side of my mouth before grinning slightly. "I'm gay Ky, of course I know about sports."

Kyla chuckles loudly. "Right. Well, you should come over for dinner sometime." She throws the suggestion out like it's the first time. When really, she offers every single time she sees me. She's a good half-sister like that.

I shrug. "Yeah, maybe." I say, like every other time.

But this time I think I'll actually go.


	4. flotsam and jetsam

**Thank you everyone for the encouragement, as always it means a lot. =)**

Sometimes, people drift.

Like flotsam. _Flotsam_. That's a fantastic word. I remember having it as a vocabulary word somewhere in high school. It was the only word I ever actually learned. _Flotsam_.

My relationship, or should I say friendship, with Spencer Carlin didn't take a dramatic turn. There was no yelling. There was no fight, no moving away to another state or country. There was no declaration of love and rejection. Just, a drift.

I often think that something dramatic might have been so much better than this mundane drifting bullshit. It would give a purpose to the reason that I only speak to her twice a month, at the most. Only see her three months at a time. It would make these things important, meaningful. The fact that our friendship slowly died is part of the despair that I often feel.

The Cliff Notes version of the story is that me and Spencer were best friends. In high school. And in her early college years. Then I realized I loved her. I didn't do anything. Eventually, we drifted. Although, Cliff Notes doesn't always give you all the details.

But we're not doing the short version of this story, are we?

The worst part about this is the fact that we both still live in the same area. Spencer goes to NYU and I live in the city as well. My mother lives in the city. Kyla lives here. We're all here but that doesn't change that fact that we don't see each other. It's sad, and also kind of depressing.

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I sit at a table in Starbucks, sipping my coffee, a newspaper spread out in front of me. I like to sit in the window, watching people walk past. Sometimes, I'll see a girl with blonde hair and my head will turn, watching her walk down the street. I wonder if that's her. It usually isn't, New York City is a big place. But so small at the same time. You run into people that you haven't seen in years. Saying _Long time no see!_ Then you run into them again at Rite Aid, saying _Two times in the same week, wow!_ But people that you want to run into, people that you actually know, you never see them.

The universe is a bitch like that.

My eyes immediately glue to that of a blonde-haired girl on the taller side. She's walking with a shorter guy, swinging a purse between them. She has on a hat and I know it's not Spencer. Spencer would never wear a hat.

My eyes stay on that hat until the girl disappears down the street.

"_What about this one?"_ _Spencer asked me in the middle of Macy's. _

_She was wearing a hat that I thought looked like one of those French hats. It made me want to call her _Pierre_. _

"_Are you going to France?" I asked her, a slight chuckle in my voice. _

_Spencer glared at me, obvious not happy with my snippy comments. She took it off her head, her blonde hair all static-y and messed up. "You're not helping." _

"_Spence, we've been trying on shit for like, two hours."_

_Spencer then picked up a trucker hat and put it on her head. "How 'bout this one." _

_I looked at her. "Sure." Her eyes lit up for a second. "If you want to go to some place like, Ohio, hick." _

_She made an aggravated noise. "Ohio is not full of hicks."_

"_How would you know, you've never been there." I retorted. _

"_Neither have you." She said, taking off the trucker hat. It had sparkles on it, too. Which made it even funnier. _

_I picked up a small beanie and put it over my curls. Spencer looked at me and the corners of her mouth turned up. "Why do you look good in hats and I don't?" _

_I laughed, adjusting the beanie, trying to get my curls to stay down and not get bunched up. "Obviously my head is just better than yours." I snickered. _

"_Shut up Ashley." She said, throwing a pair of socks at my head. _

"_Hi, do you ladies need any help?" A young guy said, interrupting our hat trying-on session. He looked to be about in his young twenties. Brown hair, brown eyes, charming smile. He asked us both the question but his eyes lingered a little bit too long on Spencer. _

"_Oh no, we're just trying on hats." Spencer told him with a smile. "I'm not having any luck." Spencer had a tendency to divulge too much information to complete strangers. Like they actually wanted to listen to her life story. _

"_Oh? I don't know, that trucker hat looked good on you." The guy said with a smile, flashing his pearly whites at my best friend. _

_I snorted, maybe too loudly. But the guy ignored me. _

"_Maybe, I don't think my head is fit for hats." Spencer said to him. _

"_Nah, I think it's nice." He said. I rolled my eyes dramatically. "Well, just give me a shout if you need any help. I'm Andy." _

"_Thanks _Andy_." I said sarcastically, waving him away. _

_I took the beanie off my head and placed it back on the rack. "He was nice." Spencer said to me. "And cute."_

"_Pssssh. Yeah, if you like people with dicks hanging off of them." I retorted._

_Spencer shrugged. "I think he liked me." She said absentmindedly, walking away from the hat section._

"_Yah think?" I snorted. "He's probably waiting in the dressing room for you for a quickie." _

"_Nice Ash." Spencer laughed._

_I quickened my steps to walk next to her. "What? Done with the hats?"_

"_Yeah." She replied lazily. "I don't think I like hats. Where would I wear one anyway?" _

"_I don't know, maybe when you're having sex with _Andy_. He seems to think you look cute in hats." _

"_And you don't?" She asked, stopping to look at a scarf. _

_I smiled lightly at her, as she examined a blue and pink scarf. Her fingers running over the material gently. "No, you look cute in hats. You look cute in anything." I said and was surprised that that came out of my mouth. What was that?_

_Spencer just chuckled. "Thanks. Wish I could say the same about you."_

_I shoved her lightly with one hand. "Hey!"_

_Spencer laughed some more, it was deep and coming from her chest. She grabbed my hand and started towards the exit. "Come on, I'm so over hats." _

I sip some more of my coffee, thinking about whether I should go home or not. I have some things to do, but I don't feel like walking into an empty apartment. I frown into my coffee cup and lift my head at that exact moment to see a tall, handsome, green-eyed guy walk inside.

His eyes find mine and I smile unconvincingly. And I realize at this moment that you cannot escape your past.

Ever.

"Ashley!"

"Hi Aiden." I say as he sits down across from me.

It's not that I don't like Aiden. He's my friend, has been my friend since high school. Aiden was my boyfriend for about a week in ninth grade until he kissed me and it didn't feel right. I broke up with him in a note and he cried for a day. Then told everyone that he broke up with me. Then, a year later, after I got over hating him, he was assigned to be my lab partner and we became friends.

"What's up? What brings you to this area?" He says in that gruff voice that I've grown used to. The only time I have ever heard that gruff voice falter was when he was sobbing because his girlfriend had cheated on him. He absolutely loved her and it broke his heart. To this day, I don't think he's over it.

"I was at my mom's. She's getting married again." I say easily, like I'm telling him about the weather.

Aiden nods. "I know, Glen told me."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. So, you gotta go through all that wedding bull-crap again?" He asks, sympathy in his eyes because he's been through my bitching and ranting the last three million times.

"Unfortunately. Apparently, she said this time it's going to be big. I don't know what that means because I though the last one was big. I'm expecting a _Macy's Day Parade_ for this one." I say bitterly.

Aiden chuckles. "I wouldn't doubt it. You going to Kyla's and Glen's for dinner tomorrow night?"

I shrug. "I was thinking about it. I don't know, we'll see. How's um, the blonde one, Carol?" I ask, forgetting his current fling's name. Ever since that girl broke his heart, Aiden has been like a speed dater. One girl after another, just fun. Nothing serious.

Aiden smiles. "Kate." He corrects. "She's good, actually. I like her a lot. I guess we both have a thing for blondes." He says.

I give Aiden a look that says _don't even go there_. "Where'd you meet her again?" I ask, changing the subject.

Aiden smiles slyly. "Victoria's Secret."

"And why the hell were you in Victoria's Secret?"

"To meet chicks." Aiden says like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"That's messed up, Aid." I chuckle, taking a sip of my coffee, which is still hot. I swear, they heat their coffee with beams of sunlight.

"Well it worked, didn't it?" He says with an easy smile. "Anyway, I gotta run. I'll see you tomorrow night?" He asks, getting up from the table and heading over to the counter to order his drink.

"Maybe!" I shout over to him.

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When I finally do get home, it's later than I thought it was. I don't even know what I did all day to pass the time. As always, my apartment is dark and empty. I throw my keys on the small table next to the door and head into the kitchen. I grab a beer from my fridge, pop the cap, and chug about half of it.

When I go to press the play button on my answering machine, I see that I have five new messages.

One. My mother.

_Hello Ashley dear. I just wanted to remind you that you're supposed to come over today. You were supposed to be here five minutes ago and I hope you're not drunk and passed out in your bed. Wouldn't be the first time honey. See you soon._

I roll my eyes. That must have been while I was on my way there. Why she never called my cell phone confuses me.

Two. Jamie.

_Hi Ashley. I just wanted to see if I could reschedule our lesson for tomorrow? I have this meeting I forgot I have. _She chuckles. _Anyway, just let me know. Thanks!_

Jamie is a girl I give guitar lessons to. For being eighteen, she's really not that annoying. She's grown to be one of my favorite students. _Students._ God, that makes me sound like I'm a teacher or something. Maybe I am.

Three. Frank's Autobody?

_Hello. This is Frank's Autobody. We're just calling to let you know that your vespa is done with maintenance and you can come by to pick it up anytime during the hours of ten to three. Have a nice day._

I frown. I don't have a vespa.

Four. Kyla.

_Hey Ash, I just wanted to let you know that if you want to come to dinner tomorrow night, we're gunna eat at around six-ish. But you're welcome to come over before or whatever. Let me know._

Five. Madison.

_Ashley Davies! Where the hell have you been you whore bag. I've been trying to get in touch with you for the last three days. Stop being an ass and call me back. I think we should go out tonight. If you don't call me back then I'm coming to your apartment. You know I'll get in too, your door-man thinks I'm hot. Oh and by the way I saw that girl Trish yesterday and she asked me about you and why you haven't called her back yet. I said your grandma was in the hospital. I saved your booty, you owe me Davies. _

I smirk lightly. Madison Duarte makes my life substantially more entertaining. And she's consistent. So when I hear a knock at my door, I'm not surprised that it's her and that I wasn't buzzed to let her up.

"I told you I was going to come over." She says, giving me a quick hug and heading to my kitchen area.

"I just got home Madison. Jesus, you could have given me fifteen minutes."

"Um, I've given you like three days."

I sit down on the couch, beer in hand. "My mom's getting married. Again."

"No shit?" Madison says, heading over the couch with a beer in her hand as well. "That woman is always getting married. It's like her hobby or something."

I laugh. "Yeah."

"No offense, but I don't think I can help you with all that bullshit again. Too much." She says, taking a sip.

"None taken. I barely wanna do it myself. So, my grandma's in the hospital, huh?"

Madison smirks. "Yeah, you know, you were too torn up about it to give this girl a call."

"Thanks." I tell her lightly.

"No problem. But come on Ash, what was wrong with this one?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I just didn't feel anything."

"You _never_ feel anything." She answers dejectedly.

"Whatever. We went out on one date, it's not like I slept with her." I say a little angrily.

Madison rolls her eyes. "Yeah, and when was the last time you got laid?"

I sigh. "Shut up Madison. Some of us don't need to be sleeping with all of New York City."

"Hey, I like to have my fun. That's no crime."

"You're right. I'm sorry." I say sarcastically while turning on the TV.

We sit in silence for a while, just sipping our beers and watching TV. It's nice sometimes, to have a friend that you can sit comfortably with, no talking necessary. Madison is that for me. I think that's a rare thing, to be able to be quiet with a friend and have it be peaceful.

But I miss the way Spencer would snuggle up next to me, even when doing something mundane, like watching TV. I miss the way she would fall asleep half way through, snoring lightly on my shoulder. Then I would have to wake her up, even though she looked so peaceful and adorable, to tell her it was time to go home.

Madison is not a snuggler. And she's not that intimate friend. She's that blunt, in your face friend. Everyone needs one of those, I think. But I miss that intimate friend.

"Did you talk to Spencer today?" Madison asks randomly, eyes on the TV, lips on the bottle.

"No, Madison." I say plainly. Eyes calm on the TV but heart racing erractically.

Madison has taken to asking me if I've talked, seen, or heard from Spencer Carlin quite often. She's never met her, but she continually asks. I made the mistake of telling her the whole story one drunken night. I made the mistake of telling her I love Spencer in more ways than one.

"Come on Ashley. Jesus, when was the last time you saw the girl? You know, Spencer, your _best friend_."

I stay quiet.

"You need to see her. What, you saw her like three months ago, right? She's here in New York, like she's _always_ been. What's the problem?" Madison says sincerely. I know she's trying to help but I don't want her to.

"I don't need to. And you know what the problem is. Just, stop." I spit.

"What?"

I keep my eyes glued on the TV. I take another long sip of my beer. "Don't make me say it. Just, leave it. Seriously."

Madison sighs. "Fine. But don't get all snarky with me. I get it, but you never _do_ anything about it Ashley. You never did." And with that, she's quiet again, watching TV.

I don't even bother replying. Because I hate being wrong and I know she's right.


	5. bitter feelings, bitter coffee

**Hope you enjoy =)  
Leave some love **

My feet hurt.

I don't know why I decided to wear my boots. And I don't know why I decided to walk to Kyla's apartment, because it's like a thirty-minute walk. I also don't know why I decided to even go. I don't know a lot of things.

But when I am buzzed up to the apartment, I am reminded why I came.

"Way to be late." Kyla says with a small smile as I enter.

"Sorry. I walked."

"Walked? It's far." She says, confused.

I shrug. "I know. I just felt like it"

I walk into the dining room and my eyes are immediately drawn to one person. Not Aiden. Not Glen. Not anyone else.

Spencer's blue eyes meet mine and they have a look in them I can't recognize. It's one that I used to be able to, but after time, after the drifting, I just can't anymore. For a minute I don't say anything.

"Hey." She says easily.

"Hey." I answer back, a very small smile creeping up on my face even though I don't want it there. It's not listening to my brain, and that makes me angry.

"What's up. I didn't know you were gunna be here." I say stupidly. I'm being honest, I didn't know. But if I'm being honest, there was that shred of hope that was tearing at me, wishing that she would be here.

That's why I came.

I glance a sideways look at Kyla, but she turns her head instantly, saying something to Glen.

"Well, I'm here, just…being here." She smiles widely at me.

And with that smile, I totally forget the reason that I allowed myself to drift so far from her. Then, I see a person walk up behind her and give me a forced smile.

And I totally remember why I made myself drift from her.

"Hi Ashley." Carmen says easily to me, her hand on the small of Spencer's back.

"Hey Carmen." I say plainly, trying to smile at her. I'm trying, but it's not working. This time, I catch Kyla's eye and narrow my eyes at her. I'm sure everyone can see the laser beams coming out of them.

"How are you?" Carmen asks nicely. Too politely, like she's always been. It's hard to hate a nice person. It's hard to wish death upon them when they're constantly nice to you. Like there's nothing wrong. I hate that. I want to feel free to hate anyone I want to.

"I'm good, good. You?" I hate this small talk. It reminds me of why I rarely come to dinner or interact with them.

Spencer is just looking at me intently. Almost angrily. I divert my eyes from her and let out a breath.

Carmen nods. "Great."

"Hey Ash." Aiden says, interrupting whatever weirdness was just going on. Maybe I was the only one feeling it. I silently remind myself to thank him.

"Hey Aiden." I smile at him.

"I thought you said maybe?" He asks with a grin on his face.

I shrug. "Changed my mind." I tell him, wishing, really wishing, that I hadn't. "Is Kate here?" I ask, hoping that he doesn't hear the desperation in my voice. Hoping he doesn't hear all the ways I am praying he says no.

Aiden shakes his head. "No." He gives me a look and a small smile. And I, again, silently thank him for doing me this favor. Even if it is coming from sympathy. If Kate were here that would make me seventh wheel.

And I am too young to die.

I go give Glen a hug hello.

"Thanks for coming Ash. I haven't seen you in forever." He tells me, a smile on his face.

I see why Kyla likes him so much. He has that, boyish charm. He almost reminds me of a small baby, goatee aside.

"I know. Congrats on the job. That's awesome." I say, sitting down on a stool.

"Thanks, I'm pretty psyched about it. Beer?" He asks, holding open the door of the refrigerator.

Oh dear God yes.

"Please." I almost plead.

"So I heard your mom is getting married." Spencer's voice says as she walks into the kitchen. There is a slight smirk on her face.

I laugh for the first time since I've arrived. "Yup. Again. I heard you have to help. I'm sorry."

Spencer nods. "Yeah, well. It won't be that bad." She says, looking right into my eyes.

I swallow a long sip of beer. "Speak for yourself." I say lightly, meaning that I hate doing wedding shit. Over and over again.

But Spencer frowns, taking something else away from my words. When we finally do sit down for dinner, it's almost an hour later. Kyla was never one for being prompt. And I guess neither am I.

I take in the way Spencer automatically sits next to Carmen. The way she smiles softly at her. The way Carmen pours Spencer a drink. I take in the way Carmen says something into Spencer's ear, a secret that only they are sharing. After a number of beers, I block those images out and frown.

"So you're giving guitar lessons, that's cool." Glen says from across the table.

"Yeah." I smile. "It's really nice actually. One kid told me I was easier to follow than his teacher." I say. I don't say it in a gloating way. I just say it because when the kid told me, I felt really good.

"You were always good at guitar. And piano." Spencer states, looking at me.

I shrug. "I guess." I crack open another beer and I catch Spencer's eyes. She's looking at me in that way that says _How many beers have you had?_

That face reminds me.

"_Ash, I think you're good." Spencer said, trying to take a beer from my hand. _

_We were at a party. And by party, I mean we were at Aiden's house one Friday night with only four other people there. _

"_Aww come on Spence." I whine, taking a hasty sip of a beer that was probably in the double digits by now. "One more, I promise." _

"_Ashley…" She trails off, but I'm giving her my best sad face and I know I can break her. I hear it in her voice and I see it in her expression. "Fine, but then you're done." _

_I smile wide at her and give her a sloppy kiss to the cheek. "Thanks honeybunch." _

_Spencer smiles and rolls her eyes. But I see her cheeks become a little less pale. _

_I poke her stomach softly. "Come on, say it." I grin. _

"_You're welcome, _Oats_." She smiles at me and chuckles adorably. _

_At the time I thought it was funny and cute if I called her honeybunch and she called me Oats. Like Honeybunches of Oats. And I'm pretty sure I continued to think it was funny and cute forever. _

"_She's cut off, right?" Aiden's deep voice asks from across the room. _

"_Yes _master_." I say drunkenly to him and giggle and then hiccup. _

"_You're ridiculous." Spencer laughs out. _

_I put my beer on the floor and lay down sideways on the couch we're sitting on. My head landing in her lap. Spencer's fingers automatically brush through my hair and I find myself getting very sleepy. _

"_Yes." I murmur. "But you love me this way."_

_I feel more than I hear, Spencer's chuckle. "I love you any way, Ash." _

_I look up at her from my lying down position, her fingers never faltering. "Good." I smile. _

The difference about this memory is that I know I am not the only one experiencing it. I know, by the way that Spencer is looking at me, by the glint in her eyes, that she is remembering it as well. And as quickly as that, this memory is not solely mine. It's hers as well. It's possible that all memories I experience are shared by her. Somewhere, some time, Spencer remembers these things too. These things, these memories aren't just mine. They're simply ours.

"How's uh, whatever you're doing, Carmen?" I ask her, peeling and picking at the label of my Corona. I didn't mean to ask it in a mean way. I meant to ask it in a polite way. But I have no idea how it came out.

"School? School's good, busy and hard, but good." She says, and then she continues on about school, and some project, and some professor, and I drown her out.

I absolutely hate that Spencer shares her life at school with Carmen. She met her during the writing program she went to right before Freshman year. I heard about the new friend, Carmen, when Spencer came home. I heard about how nice she was. I heard about her friend, and just a friend, Carmen all during Spencer's Freshman year. I met her friend Carmen when I went to visit Spencer at school, probably a hundred times. I enjoyed Carmen then, when she was Spencer's friend. She was nice and she was fun.

And then Carmen morphed from friend to _girl_friend in the beginning of their Sophmore year. And I heard about how nice her _girl_friend was. I heard about how Carmen brought her on dates and bought her flowers. I heard about all the _girl_friend things that happen at the beginning of a relationship. And somewhere in there I lessened my visits to Spencer at school drastically. And somewhere in there I didn't enjoy Carmen so much anymore. I thought maybe it was a fling, and with time they would break up. And I would tell Spencer that she deserved better, that she, in fact, deserved the best. It wasn't that Carmen wasn't nice and wasn't a good _girl_friend. She was.

Which made everything so much harder.

But time passed and I couldn't handle being around Spencer and Carmen anymore. I didn't want to visit Spencer only to eat lunch with her and Carmen. I didn't want to see them dance together at a party. My heart hurt every time I thought about it. And a year and a half later, they are still together. Still eating lunch together. Still dancing at parties. The difference is that I'm not there anymore.

Maybe my drifting was unconscious. Maybe it was intentional. But it happened so slowly that I sometimes wonder if Spencer even noticed. I wonder that and then my wondering is answered by the way her blue eyes look at my brown ones every time I see her, so about every three months.

_Of course_ she noticed.

Spencer and I only ever once talked about how we didn't see each other a lot anymore. About how we only talked sporadically. How it was so different from when we used to talk every day and night and try not to let even one day go by without seeing each other. I chalked it up to being busy. Her with school, and me with- whatever the hell I was doing. Which might have been nothing. I said we were busier now and she agreed. But her clear blue eyes had willed me to say something else. To just say exactly why this was happening.

I didn't. So we promised to try and talk more and see each other more.

Those were broken promises.

And neither of us ever brought it up again.

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After dinner, I clear my plate and some other stuff that's been on the table. For a second, I feel like I am thirty years old. I feel so much older than I am, having dinner at my sister and her boyfriend's apartment. That's such a _middle-aged_ thing. When in reality, I'm only twenty-two years old and Kyla and Spencer are twenty-one. Glen twenty-three.

It's just a strange feeling. But I ignore it and bring my beer bottles and plates into the kitchen.

"You need help?" I ask Kyla as I lean against the kitchen counter.

"Nah." She pauses for a second. "I'm good. Um, Ash, I'm sorry, I didn't know she was bringing Carmen, I-" Kyla says in a hushed tone.

"No, it's alright." I lie. "But you knew Spencer was coming." I state. I can tell Kyla feels my eyes burning into the back of her head.

I see her head bob up and down, nodding. "I invited her but I didn't know if she was definitely coming."

"Yeah." I say, for no reason at all other than that's all I have to say.

"I'm gunna make coffee in like ten." She says, turning around.

"Okay." I say, knowing that she's telling me I have time to go outside for a cigarette.

I turn around and head out the door, not saying anything else. When I get outside it's chilly out and the momentary flash of my lighter warms me.

"I can't believe you still smoke." I hear a voice say lightly to me. And then Spencer's form sits down next to me on the cold steps.

"Yeah, well. Old habits die hard, I guess." I say, looking straight ahead.

"Yeah." Spencer says quietly. She exhales lightly. "I'm glad I saw you tonight." She throws out innocently.

"Me too." I answer.

And I hate this. Because this is weird and me and Spencer never used to be weird.

"How are things with Carmen?" I ask. Honestly, I have no idea why I would ask that question and inflict the pain on myself. I don't know why it came out of my mouth. I just don't know why anymore.

"They're good." She answers. She pauses for a long moment. "Ashley, I hate that this is weird."

I look at her for the first time. Her cheeks are red from the slight chill in the air, her hair up in a ponytail, knees against her chest, hands around her legs.

"I know. I do too." I say honestly.

She brings her chin to rest on top of her knees and I have this insanely huge urge to just touch her face. Just put my palm against it and feel how soft I _know_ her skin is.

"Then why, why is it? Why is this the first time I've seen you in- three months." She says calmly. Every word smooth and devoid of any anger. There's just pure curiosity and a drop of sadness there.

I shrug. "We're busy. You're in school. I'm giving lessons. I don't know, we're not eighteen anymore Spencer. We don't have all that free time."

I meet her eyes and I see them frown along with her mouth. I know she's asking me to say something else. And even if I wanted to, what would I say?

Because I can't stand to be around you and Carmen?

Because I wish I could just go back to being your best friend that you used to call to make French toast on Sunday mornings with?

Because I happen to love you an incredible amount, more than I should?

Because I am too much of a coward to tell you?

"I guess." She says, her eyes still on mine. She breaks away first and I look down.

"Well, you're gunna help with the wedding right? So, I'll see you a lot." I try to comfort both of us with those words. And I think they momentarily do that.

"Yeah." She sighs. "You really need to quit."

"You always were the bossy type." I retort, a smirk on my face.

Spencer shoves my shoulder lightly and chuckles. "Me? Right."

"Hey." A voice says from up the stairs and at the door. It rips us out of our lapse into the past. "You guys want coffee?" Carmen asks.

"We better go." Spencer says, getting up.

I flick my cigarette into the street. "Yeah." I mumble and follow her up the steps.

And it is right then that I realize that sometime soon, someone is going to get hurt.

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My coffee tastes bitter, but I drink it anyway.


	6. points of view

**=)**

I don't know why I am standing in an Adult Video store. But I am.

"Madison?" I question, as my eyes watch a very creepy man in a trench coat pick up five different movies and bring them to the counter.

"Yeah." She says distractedly, a movie in her hand.

"Uh, why are we here?" I feel as if it is a valid question.

"Well, this girl at work was talking about this place, and she said to check it out. So you know, I was curious. So, we're here."

I stand in one spot next to her, my eyes looking around until they see a red curtain to a back room. I do not even want to know what is going on in there.

"Right. So if this girl told you to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, you'd do it." I spit out sarcastically.

"Maybe." Madison answers, picking up a new video.

"I can't believe you work at Hooters." I snicker from behind her. This comment makes her turn around and give me a death glare.

"It's part-time. And I make good money. And I get free food. And hey, isn't Hooters like your _favorite_ place." She says evenly.

I roll my eyes. "Touché." I chuckle. "But seriously, can we get out of here, this place is starting to creep me out. I feel a disease coming on."

"Yeah, I don't want any of this crap anyway."

I follow Madison out of that hell-hole and just as we exit the door, I see a short girl with short blonde hair walk by. Her eyes meet mine and she smiles at me.

"Hey Jamie." I grin at her.

"Hi Ashley." She says cheerily. Then her eyes go up to where _Adult Video_ is plastered in big letters on the banner outside of the store I _just_ came out of. I follow her eyes and realize why she's giving me such a quizzical look.

"Oh, I, no, we-" I stutter but Madison cuts me off.

"Hi, I'm Madison. I dragged Ashley in here with me." She says, giving Jamie a smile. "So, you're Jamie, huh? Ashley's student right. I've heard a lot about you."

Jamie gives a nervous smile. "Um, I hope they were good things."

I chuckle. "Definitely."

"Good." Jamie smiles. "Well, I have to go. I'll see you later Ashley. Nice to meet you Madison." She gives a little wave and walks away.

Madison and I make our way down the street. Even behind her sunglasses, I feel her staring at me.

"What?" I ask.

"She was cute. Like, really cute."

"I know. She's nice." I say evenly. Because of course I know she's cute. I noticed the first time I ever saw her.

"She has a crush on you." Madison states with a smirk.

"What? No she doesn't."

Madison snorts. "She so does. She got all flustered and shit. _I'll see you later Ashley_." Madison mimics Jamie's words.

"Well, she _will_ see me later." I retort.

"Come on, she's adorable. And it's like that whole, student-teacher crush thing going on."

I shake my head. "Whatever."

"Fine. Be lame. I think we should go out tonight. And I think you're coming." She says to me.

I sigh. "Alright. How about R-"

"No." Madison cuts me off. "You know I love you Davies. But I can't go to _Rush_ with you again. I'm straight, I need straight guys."

I chuckle, remembering last time. "Yeah, that's only fair I guess. Last time you did get hit on pretty bad."

"Well, I am hot. I mean, that girl was pretty hot, if I were gay I'd totally tap that." She says rather seriously.

I laugh. "You're an ass."

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Getting ready, I am a little bit more excited to go out than I was before. I haven't really gone out in a while, and I think I need it. I absentmindedly put my iPod on shuffle, as I look though my closet for something to wear. The first chords of the guitar come through my speakers fluidly and my head looks back at the iPod. City and Colour's _Hello, I'm in Delaware_ keeps playing and my mind keeps wandering.

"_What do you mean you don't know how?" I asked Spencer as she sat on my bed, tapping her fingers against the comforter. _

"_I don't know how to slow dance." She repeated. _

"_Spence. You can't _not_ know how to slow dance. That's like, impossible." I said, looking at her from my desk._

"_Well, I'm telling you I can't." I could see she was getting flustered. _

"_Didn't you slow dance at like middle school dances? Isn't that what they're for."_

"_I was shy, I sat on the bleachers." She said in an angry voice. _

"_Okay, okay. Here." I said and chuckled. I pressed play on my remote to the stereo and soft guitar chords spilled out, filling the room with __City and Colour's _Hello I'm in Delaware._ I stood in the middle of the room. "Come on."_

"_What?" Spencer said, standing up._

"_I'm gunna show you. Here, I'll be the guy." I said and I saw her smirk. "Shut up Spencer."_

_She walked towards me and I put my hands on her hips. And told her to put her hands around my neck. I started to move my feet back and forth. "This is stupid." She murmured. _

"_Yeah, well, you're stupid for not realizing how easy it is." I said back. But it was hard, because this should have felt weird. I was standing in the middle of my room with my best friend, just slow dancing with her. But it didn't. It didn't and it really should have. It felt comfortable. _

_I pulled Spencer closer to me, so her head was by my shoulder and her body was almost right up against mine. My heart was beating fast and I was nervous. She fit perfectly against me._

"_Alright, well, there you go." I said abruptly, letting go of her as the song ended. I almost pushed her off me and went back to my desk. _

"_Well that was dumb." She said dejectedly as she sat back on my bed._

"_Told you." My voice cracked. _

_And so we went to the dance that night. And I sat with some friends in the bleachers as Spencer danced with this kid who had had a crush on her forever. His hands looked too rough to be on her delicate figure. And he was too tall, her neck was straining to reach up to his shoulder. I wanted to go over there and push him out of the way and take over. She fit so much better with me. _

_And I was mad that he was dancing with her. She was _my_ best friend. But I pushed those thoughts out of my head, not understanding them. I shrugged and talked to my friends._

_I was young. I didn't get it._

_When Spencer finally came back over, she had a slight frown on her face._

"_What's wrong?" I chuckled as she plopped down next to me. "Didn't enjoy your dance?"_

_Spencer shrugged. "Not really. I think I would have rather danced with you." She laughed lightly and looked at me. _

_I swallowed, not knowing what to say. Because I wished she had danced with me, too. "Well, I _am_ a good dancer." I replied. _

"_Next one?" She asked and nudged my shoulder with hers. _

"_Yeah." I smiled back. _

_But there never was a next one. The dance ended and I continually wondered when I would get to dance with Spencer again. _

The skirt I am wearing is uncomfortable as I sit outside waiting for Madison. I wish I had worn pants. I am about to go upstairs quickly and change when I see Madison round the corner, heading right towards me.

"Ready?" She says, when she gets me.

"Yup, let's go." I say and follow her lead.

_**And it's been so hard**_

Walking around New York City at night is such a rush. There are people everywhere. It's not like being confined to a place where the streets are quiet at night. It's noisy. It's busy. People are going places. They're going out to eat. They're going to get drinks. They're going to get laid.

The city never sleeps, and it's true. Taxis run up and down the streets, honking at people crossing the street even though that orange hand is telling them not to. With the slight breeze, and the openness of the city, I feel good. I feel better than I have in a while. I want to take a mental snap shot of all the lights and the people.

We end up at some random club that Madison's co-workers, boyfriend recommended to her. Madison gets recommended a lot of things. Madison knows a lot of people. The second I met her, I knew she was that girl in high school. The one that always knew where all the parties were. The one that talked to everyone. She was a bitch, but those girls often are. She was that girl that always had something to say.

She still is that girl, just slightly older.

I like it here already. The room is glowing orange and while it's dark, it's not pitch black. I've been to some sketchy clubs. The bar stretches long against the wall, and the stools have leather cushions on them, inviting you to sit down. Take a load off. The bartenders are good-looking. Both guys and girls. And they can do those cool tricks while they make your drink. They're bobbing their heads to the music and playing around.

"Corona." I say to a burly guy with muscles popping out of his polo. He hands me my beer and winks at me. I give him a tip.

"Gin and tonic." Madison says, smiling to the guy. He winks at her too. "How you doing champ?" Madison says to me as we sip our drinks. And by sip I mean drink quickly.

I nod my head. "Good."

"Yeah? Good." Madison says and shoots me a smile. She lives for nights like this, dancing, drinking, the people. "Let's dance my friend." And she pulls my arm towards the dance floor.

Madison is a good dancer and I can never keep up with her. We laugh as she does some lame-ass moves. We get more drinks and I start to feel more at ease.

"I'm gunna get another beer." I yell into her ear.

She nods. "I'm gunna get another _that_." She says, her eyes pointing to a guy against the wall. He's got jet black hair, a nice defined jaw-line, and a smirk on his face that says _I'm the shit_. I laugh and give her a nudge towards him.

"Corona?" My friend the bartender asks me, smiling slightly.

"You know it." I laugh as he reaches to pop the cap and put a lovely lime in the top. The lingering of lime on the opening of the bottle stings my lips harshly, but in a good way.

**_So much time so, far apart_**

I put my back to the bar and bob my head to the music, tap my foot lightly. I look into the dancing crowd and see Madison dancing quite provocatively with that guy. I smile to myself and scan the rest of the people. My eyes pass over a head of blonde hair, they go over her, but then they betray me and go back. That head of blonde hair is dancing with a head of dark brown, straight hair and my eyebrows furrow in confusion.

Maybe I'm drunker than I thought.

The dark brown hair comes towards me and smiles lightly when her brown eyes meet mine. In contrast, I frown.

"Hey Ashley." Carmen says lightly, getting two beers from the bartender. "Fancy seeing you here."

"Hey Carmen. How's it going." I answer back, my eyes watching the two beers in her hand.

She bobs her head. "Good. Who are you here with?" She asks, looking around.

"Oh, a friend." I say truthfully.

"Carmen! What-" The blonde starts to yell something else besides that horrible name, but she stops when she sees me. She's obviously surprised and I smirk at her reaction.

**_She walks the night_**

"Hi Spencer." I say tightly.

"Hey. Wow, I can't believe you're here." She says, taking the beer Carmen is offering her. I watch it pass between them and I have the sudden urge to grab it and smash it to the ground, so no one can drink it.

"Yeah." I say.

"Hey, I'm gunna go to the bathroom babe. I'll be right back." Carmen says. She kisses Spencer's cheek and walks away. My eyes linger on the place she kissed Spencer and I shake my head and look away.

"How are you?" Spencer asks, standing next to me.

"I'm go-" I start to say my mundane answer but am interrupted when Madison trots up next to me.

"Ashley! What the fuck are you doing." She says. Her eyes then go to Spencer and back to me.

"Hi, I'm Madison. You know Ashley?" She says, looking Spencer up and down. She looks at her blonde hair and I see her trying to figure out who this girl is.

"Yeah." Spencer glances at me. I give her a smile. "I'm Spencer."

Madison shakes Spencer's hand and I see the light bulb go off in her head. "Spencer." She tries out the name. Madison gives me a look.

Madison has never met Spencer before. All she knows is that this girl used to be, well, I guess is, my best friend. My best friend that I might possibly be in love with. My best friend who has a girlfriend that I really dislike for no reason other than she gets to be with Spencer and I don't. Madison knows everything because I told Madison everything. And now, she has a face to the name and a picture perfect idea of the entire situation.

"Nice to meet you, Spencer. Ashley speaks highly of you." Madison says, smirking.

Spencer meets my eyes, I see them glint. And I see a flash of green in them. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part. "Oh yeah? Um, how did you guys meet?"

I open my mouth to speak but Madison gets there first. "Ashley cut me in line in the grocery store."

"No, _you _cut _me_." I correct her.

"Oh right, I always confuse that part. Anyway, I was in a rush to get to my boyfriends house for dinner so I thought I'd just cut this girl. But she put up a fight."

"You were in the fifteen-or-less line with a cart full of shit." I say evenly, giving her a look but smiling at the memory.

"Whatever." Madison chuckles.

I see Spencer's face relax at the word _boyfriend_. And I see her watch me and Madison for signs of touching or intimacy. There are none. She thinks she's subtle but she's not. She forgets that I know her too well. Even in this dimly lit club.

Spencer laughs. "That's pretty funny."

I laugh too. "Yeah, I thought so too."

"So who are you here with, _Spencer_?" Madison asks, ordering another gin and tonic.

"Oh, I'm here with-"

"Me." Carmen says, appearing behind Spencer. "Hi, I'm Carmen."

_**How many hearts will die tonight?**_

"Madison." Madison gives Carmen a look and shrugs, sipping her drink.

Carmen drags Spencer off back to the dance floor while Spencer gives me smile. I let out a breath I had been holding during that whole encounter and turn around towards the bar. Knowing myself well enough to know I can't watch them dance together. I wait for Madison to say something.

"She's gorgeous." Madison finally says after a minute, not looking at me.

"I know." I breathe out. "I'm very aware."

"If it's any consolation, that Carmen chick has nothing on you."

I smile at Madison. "Thanks Madison."

Madison chuckles throatily. "So that's her, huh."

"That's her." I answer. I chug down the rest of my beer.

I keep myself by the bar for a while, even after Madison bribes me with sex to come dance with her. She ends up dancing with that guy again and I drink down a beer that has a number that I just cannot remember at this moment.

"Hey." Spencer's voice says from behind me after a while.

I spin my stool around to look at her. She's flushed from dancing, sweat on the back of her neck, her shirt clinging to her in wonderful places. I force myself to stop checking her out.

"Hey." I say back.

**_And will things have changed?_**

"Um, you wanna dance?" She asks me.

"You're telling me you know how to dance?" I answer smartly. I see Spencer smile a familiar smile.

"Yes, Ash." She smirks. My eyes blink heavily when she says _Ash_ and just like that we fall easily back into us again. It's never hard to. It's always easier to fall back into it than to fall out of it. Easier and less painful.

"Sure." I say. "But where's Car-"

"Come on, I want to dance with my friend." She says easily and takes my hand, pulling me to the dance floor.

We fall into an easy rhythm, still not close enough for it to really mean anything. But when I am pushed by some random guy into Spencer, we get that closeness without having to do it ourselves. I go to pull back but she puts her arms around my neck, steadying me. I take a deep breath and ring my arms lightly around her waist.

"Since when are you such a dancer?" I bump my lips to her ear to ask.

I hear Spencer chuckle. "I don't know. Recently."

"Ah." I say.

Eventually, we pull apart and go back to the bar.

"Ash, you wanna head out?" Madison asks me when she meets me and Spencer back at the bar.

I nod. "Sure." I don't want to leave Spencer, but I know that Carmen will be back any minute and I don't want to ruin my night with that. I want to leave it in this wonderfully good place. With my skin tingling and my mouth smiling.

"Hey." I grab Spencer's arm to get her attention. "Do you wanna get lunch sometime this week?" I don't know why I ask her. Probably because I want to get lunch with her sometime this week.

Spencer smiles wide at me. "I'd love to."

Her wide smiles does things to my heart that my mind cannot rationally explain. "I'll call you." I yell back at her as Madison takes my hand and leads me to the door.

"Nice to meet you, _Spencer_." Madison yells with a wave over her shoulder.

Madison chuckles as we get out of the door.

"What?" I turn to her with a smile on my face.

Madison shakes her head and grins. "I know you always told me you wanted her. But you never mentioned that she wants you just as much."

_And it's been so hard,  
So much time so far apart.  
She walks the night,  
How many hearts will die tonight?  
And will things have changed?_

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_**Note: Song is ****Hello, I'm in Delaware by City and Colour. **  
_


	7. words behind walls

**Thank you all for the fantastic reviews. You make me smile. I appreciate everyone reading and reviewing :D**

I waited about four days before calling Spencer.

I felt like a guy, honestly. Not wanting to call too soon in fear of sounding desperate. But not wanting to call too late and feigning disinterest. So I'm sitting in my living room, my phone in my hand, waiting to call.

My apartment is a mess. I don't even know how it got this way, I haven't done anything. There are beer bottles scattered around. Pillows on the floor. A blanket in the kitchen from where I passed out after going to that club with Madison. That was four days ago. Papers are all over the floor, and one of my guitars in sitting on top of my TV.

I rub my face in my hands and yawn. And when my cell phone rings, I jump up from the couch in surprise.

"Hello?" I say, not even checking the Caller ID.

"Hey Ashley, it's Jamie."

I feel slightly bad when my face drops and the nervousness in my stomach goes away.

"Hey Jamie. What's up?" I ask, laying down on the couch.

"Nothing. I was just wondering if we could move my lesson for tomorrow to today? Is it too short of notice? Is that okay?" She talks fast and in a nervous tone.

I chuckle into the phone at her cuteness. "Yeah that's fine. How about in an hour or so?"

"Great! Thanks, I'll see you then."

"Yup, bye." I snap my phone shut and lay still on my couch for a couple of minutes. I try not to close my eyes, because then I might fall asleep for the rest of the day.

Eventually, I get up and try to tidy up my apartment. There's something so peaceful about putting on some music and cleaning up around your home. It's domestic, in a way. It's calming. I open the shades and try and get some of the sunlight to seep into the dark room. The brightness leaves me in a better mood.

I'm finishing washing some dishes when I hear a knock at my door. My door-man usually always let's Jamie up. He knows her by now, since she's been taking lessons with me for a while.

"Hey there." I give her a smile when I let Jamie inside.

"Hi." She answers, lugging her guitar case and backpack inside. "Cleaning?"

I laugh a little bit. "Yeah, thanks for noticing. I thought it might be time for this place to get cleaned."

About halfway through, Jamie and I take a break.

"You want a drink?" I ask her as I make my way to the kitchen area.

"Sure." She follows me.

I hand Jamie a soda from the fridge and grab myself one as well. I don't think drinking a beer with some girl who's paying me to teach her how to play the guitar is the best idea.

"Can I ask you, like, a personal question?" Jamie asks as she leans against the counter.

"I guess that depends on what it is." I chuckle. "Shoot."

"Okay, well, there's this girl in one of my classes, right. And she's really cute, I just don't…" Jamie trails off, her eyes looking around the kitchen, not meeting mine.

"You don't know if she's gay or not." I finish her thought. Jamie nods and laughs.

"Yeah. I don't know."

"Well, there's kind of no way to tell. You just have to talk to her."

"I was afraid you were gunna say that." Jamie answers, taking a sip of her soda. "How did you know your last girlfriend was gay?"

"Um, when she kissed me it was kind of a sign." I smile, thinking of the memory.

My last girlfriend was this girl named Kelly. I don't even know if I would call her my girlfriend. I dated her loosely for about a month. She was nice and sweet. And definitely cute. I just never _felt_ anything. At that thought, Madison's words echo in my head. _You never feel anything_. I frown slightly, feeling the truth of that statement. There was no reason not to like her, not to love her, not to stay with her. I almost wish I had, it would make things so much easier. But I couldn't feel anything special for her. You can't help who you feel for. And I feel for someone else too much to even consider anyone else.

That fact might ruin me.

Jamie's laughter brings me out of my deep thinking. "That's not fair, that's too easy."

I shrug. "Just look for a way to talk to her. It'll come out eventually."

_I waited for Spencer to come back from her date for the whole night. I could have gone out. I could have gone out on my own date. But I didn't. I just waited at the park where she told me she'd see me later. I know she didn't expect me to wait there for her. But I didn't want to miss her. And I didn't want to be late._

_I heard a car pull up and park, and the lights go dead up above me. I didn't bother turning my head, because I knew it was her. It always was. _

_I heard footsteps coming down the wooden steps and Spencer plopped down next to me on the grass. _

"_Hey hot shot." I snickered at her. _

_Spencer shoved my shoulder lightly but she smirked. She looked cute in her jean skirt, tank top, and light sweater. _

"_I told you I'd call you when I got here." She said to me. _

_I shrugged. "I was bored. How was your lovely date?" _

_Spencer rolled her eyes. "It was okay. He was nice, you know. Sweet, cute. Blah blah." _

_I laughed lightly. "That's what you said the last three times Spence."_

"_I know, I just. I don't know. I didn't _feel_ anything." _

"_Nothing?" I wondered. _

"_Nope. Well, I felt his tongue in my mouth and that's when I said I had to go." She chuckled quietly. _

"_Wonderful."_

_We sat in silence for a while. This was the fourth weekend in a row that Spencer had had a date with a different guy. She said the same thing every time. The guy was always cute and nice. He was always a gentleman and sweet. But she always said she never felt anything. I didn't think anything of it. There was practically a line of guys that would date Spencer. They saw how she looked, and I knew they did because I saw how she looked too. _

"_How did you know you were gay, Ash." Spencer asked me softly. _

_I turned my head to her and scrunched my eye brows together. "Well, pretty much when Aiden kissed me in ninth grade and I decided I never wanted anything like that to happen again." I shrugged. "I just didn't like it. And I knew." _

_Spencer nodded her head and then tilted it back, looking up at the sky. "I never want anything like kissing that guy to happen again either." She said quietly. _

_I looked at her tilted head, eyes closed, neck exposed. "What's that mean?"_

_Spencer took a deep breath. "I think I'm gay." _

_My eyes concentrated on her moving mouth. "Really?"_

"_Yeah. It wasn't just that guy. It was all of them. Remember when that drunk girl kissed me at that party a while ago?"_

_I laughed at the memory. We had been at some party somewhere. And some crazy-ass drunk girl just came up to Spencer and kissed her, no warning. No nothing. She said sorry and told us she was trying to get this weird guy to stop hitting on her, so she said Spencer was her girlfriend. Spencer believed her and waved it off. But I saw the way her eyes took in Spencer, and I saw the way she licked her lips after they had kissed. _

_I knew better. _

"_How could I forget." I said. _

"_That was better than any guy I've ever kissed or made out with." She replied. _

"_Wow." I whistled for effect and that made Spencer chuckle. "Are you okay? This is kind of, new." I wasn't sure what to say. Was she confused? I wanted to be supportive but to be honest, I never thought Spencer was gay. _

"_I'm fine. I mean, I always thought maybe, you know. I had in inkling but I just never actually said the words. It had to come out eventually." She paused for a second. "It feels good." _

_I laughed lightly and glanced at her. "Sweet. Now we can pick up chicks together with Aiden."_

"_Shut up Ash." She laughed deeply. _

_I thought about telling her how gorgeous she was and that any girl would be lucky to date her. Then I thought about asking her out. But how do you do that? How do you tell your best friend you feel like kissing her sometimes? But I didn't do it, I shook those thoughts from my head. It wasn't fair. She had _just_ told me she was gay, it was too early and honestly I wasn't sure what I was feeling._

_Relief? Because now I wouldn't have to watch her go through guys._

_Jealousy? Because eventually she would date a girl and that girl most likely wouldn't be me._

_Confusion? Because I was always allowed to admire my straight best friend. But now that she was gay, it was a whole different ball game. _

_So I told myself that one day. One day in the future I would do something about it. Because I knew she felt that connection that I felt between us. I _knew_ it. But that day never came. And when I really, truly did realize that I just wanted her, I was too scared and it was too late. _

When Jamie finally leaves my apartment, it's about five thirty and I'm wondering is that's a bad time to call Spencer. Finally. I don't want to be rude and call during dinner. But I don't want to wait and call too late. And I hate that I'm stressing over this. I should be able to call my best friend whenever the hell I want to. Best friend? Friend. Friend? Acquaintance. Acquaintance?

I'm not sure.

"Hi Ashley." Spencer says when she picks up after two rings. I hear a smile in her voice.

"Hey, what's up? Did I call at a bad time?" I cringe at my lameness. Since when did I become this nervous, shy, quiet girl? Maybe it's been happening so subtly over the years that I haven't noticed.

"Nah, I'm just doing some homework."

"Oh." I squeak. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interru-"

Spencer cuts me off with a light chuckle. "No, I welcome the interruption anyway. Especially from you. What are you up to?"

I smile and lay upside down on my couch, like I used to do when talking to Spencer when we were closer. "Nothin'. I just gave a lesson. And I cleaned my apartment."

"Cleaned? You? Are you sure."

I laugh. "I'm surprisingly domestic Spencer."

"I _know_." Spencer says with confidence.

And just like that we can easily fall back into talking.

"Anyway, do you wanna grab lunch tomorrow?" I ask, some timidity coming back into my wavering voice.

"Definitely." Spencer answers without missing a beat. "I'll text you when my class is done and we can meet up."

"Alright. I'll talk to you later then?" It was supposed to come out as a statement but my voice betrays me and morphs the words into a question.

"Bye Ashley." Spencer says, ignoring my question because she most likely knows what I meant.

And I love her.

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Eighteen hours later I am showered, dressed, and ready to head out my door. Now all I have to do is wait an hour before I actually can go meet Spencer. I check my appearance, about, oh, five million times. I went from a skirt (too fancy), to slacks (too business), and finally to ripped jeans (perfect), a t-shirt and my leather jacket. I tap my fingers nervously on my jean-clad legs and think of ways to waste time.

After just sitting in place for forty-five minutes my phone buzzes and in my haste I knock it onto the ground like a total spaz.

**My class got out early. Meet at the deli by you? –Spencer**

**Yeah, see you soon. –Ashley**

**=) –Spencer**

My heart races just a little bit as I head out my door. I fight back the temptation to totally and completely analyze that smiley face in her text. Finding meaning in it will only drive me even more insane than I already am.

Texting gives you brain aneurisms, I swear.

I wait outside the Deli, because I practically speed-walked there, and three minutes later I see a blonde with a messenger bag come walking my way. She has on dark jeans and a small green sweatshirt and I want to hug her. I want to feel if that sweatshirt is as soft as it looks.

And I do. I give in to temptation and hug Spencer around the neck right when she gets to me. It takes all that I have not to bury my face in her hair and smell her, even though I can smell that perfume she always did, and still does wear. Her hands reach my back and are placed softy, but firmly on it.

When we pull away I smile at her and I see she is copying me.

"Hi." I manage. "How are you?"

Spencer nods. "Good now."

With that, we enter the Deli, one we used to go to all the time, and every second that I am in there I resist the pulsing urge I have to kiss her.

"How's your mom?" Spencer asks me when we finally sit down.

I shrug. "I don't know, I haven't talked to her since she told me she was getting married. I'm expecting an angry phone call any day now."

Spencer chuckles. "You like her fiancé?"

"He's alright. His name is Donald. I associate him with the duck."

"How mature of you." Spencer says and raises her eyebrows.

"Oh come on. _Donald_? Did his parents really think anyone would take him seriously." I laugh out.

"Okay, you're right. I'm now picturing a duck in a business suit with a briefcase."

I laugh and almost snort chocolate milk out of my nose. We eat and continue to talk. No weird silences. No pauses. And then someone somewhere wants to ruin my day when I see that girl Trish, the one I never called, walk in the door of the Deli.

This is what I was talking about, the universe being a bitch. _Of course_ this girl walks in, who I barely know. The one time I am actually out with Spencer in forever.

I try not to meet the girls' eye, but she catches me anyway and starts to walk over.

"Oh goddammit." I mutter under my breath and Spencer gives me a weird look.

"What?" She asks, but before I have a chance to reply, Trish is standing by our table and Spencer is looking up at her curiously.

"Hello Ashley." She says with a tight smile on her face.

"Oh, hey Trish, uh, how are you?" I ask lamely.

"I'm alright." And then her face gets sympathetic and I'm thrown off guard. "How's your grandma?"

I open my mouth and then close it, looking at Spencer who's looking at Trish. _What?_

And then I remember.

"Oh, she's okay, uh," I fumble around for some lies, "hanging in there."

Trish nods like she understands. "Too bad."

"Hi, I'm Spencer." Spencer says evenly, holding her hand out for Trish to shake. Trish smiles lightly, flipping her black hair over her shoulder with her other hand.

"Trish. Are you a friend of Ashley's?" She asks curiously.

Oh Jesus Christ. Why is this happening.

I go to say something, but Spencer obviously catches my awkwardness and my hesitancy.

"Yeah, I'm her _girl_friend." Spencer says calmly, taking my hand in hers across the table, intertwining our fingers. "Right sweetie?" I look at Spencer, probably with eyes as wide as a deer's. My mouth is unable to form words and my brain is unable to function.

"Oh." Trish says roughly. She shoots me a glare and squints her eyes. "Well, I have to go. I'll see you around."

I watch her leave without ordering anything, but I am mostly focusing on the way Spencer is still holding on to my hand. Tightly.

She finally lets go and I finally breathe correctly.

"Um, thanks." I mumble, catching her eyes.

"Yeah no problem, I kinda got the feeling you weren't too happy to see, uh, _her_." Spencer says quietly.

I chuckle. Understatement. "Definitely not."

"Old girlfriend?" Spencer asks casually, picking at her salad with her fork.

"No, no, we went on like, one date."

"Oh, what happened? She was kinda cute." Spencer says, and it seems like she's having trouble with the words.

"I guess. Kind of bitchy." I shrug. "I didn't really feel anything, so I never called her."

Spencer smiles at my words and nods. "What's wrong with your grandma? Why do I feel like that's a lie?" She chuckles, looking right at me.

"You would feel right." I tell her, smiling.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My short span of giddiness is thoroughly obliterated when I get home and listen to the message my mother left me while I was out.

_Hello Ashley. This is your mother. I'm just letting you know that in a few days I've set up for my engagement dinner here, at my home. I will need yours and Kyla's help. I've __already__ talked to her. So please call me back and let me know you haven't been passed out drunk in your bed for the last week. Ciao._

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**If you like, let me know ;)**


	8. party favors in liquid form

**Enjoy!**

To say that I am not excited would be the understatement of the goddamn century.

My mother's dinner parties are those ripped right out of an episode of a Soap Opera. They're filled with lots of women with their husbands who all have important jobs. But more importantly they all have important money. How my mother knows them all? I couldn't tell you. There's barely any family involved, because my mother doesn't speak to her brother and her parents passed away a while ago. So that leaves me with Kyla, my half-sister. Obviously, her mother will not be attending. Christine is not too fond on making friends with the women her husband used to cheat on her with.

But, who is?

These parties are almost as bad as the wedding themselves. _Almost_. Flowers, food, drinking. All nice, sure, but mixed with the people they're no _Mardi Gras_. The only solace I feel from having to attend is that Kyla and Glen will be there. And Spencer will be there. I've been praying for the last week that she doesn't bring Carmen with her, because really, I can only handle so much sober and then I will have to be resorted to getting plastered. And I wouldn't dare bring Madison. Last time I brought her she hit on a fifty-year-old lawyer and knocked over my mother's crystal duck.

Not fun.

The party is exactly one week from the last time I saw Spencer, at lunch. And I am itching to get her into my sight again. It's not just that small fact that I happen to love her. I miss her company and her presence. She used to be the only one that got me to calm down at these shin-digs and anywhere else. I need her, and I am done with the drifting. At least I will try.

I am not giving my mother the pleasure of her getting me to wear a dress. So I acquire some nice slim black pants and a very white vest. I decide to straighten my hair because I accidentally lit one curl a _little_ bit on fire the other day with my lighter, so it looks bad. I am just finishing putting my boots on when my cell phone rings from the other room.

"Hello?" I say, out of breath from running around and nearly tripping on my guitar.

"Ash, get your ass over here. You were supposed to be here like ten minutes ago." Kyla says harshly into the phone.

I look at my microwave clock. "But it starts in fifteen?" I say, confused.

"Are you crazy! It doesn't matter. Christine is ranting my face off, get here. Now." She says in a hushed tone and hangs up.

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By the time I get to my mother's building, I am anticipating a smack down. There are already some people here and I was supposed to arrive earlier. Whoops.

The second I walk in my mother assaults me.

"Ashley. Why are you late." She whisper-yells into my face. I smell the liquor already.

"I'm sorry, uh, I had an emergency." I lie.

My mother looks at me, unbelieving to my bullshit. "Fine. Please, go make yourself useful."

"Yes mother." I spit out and walk away.

I sneak by some couples, not wanting to be asked _How are you?!_ Or _What are you doing with your life?_ Or _So, when are you getting married!?_

Good one.

"Ashley. How are you, I haven't seen you in a while." Donald's deep voice scares the shit out of me as I am sneaking into the kitchen to get a head start on the _being plastered _part of this evening.

"Donald, hi. Congratulations." I say in my most fake, dull voice.

Donald is dressed in some fancy-ass pin-striped suit. His hair is combed over to the side, very blonde and very shiny. Too much gel. He's tall, and if he were my boss I would be scared shit-less. I have to say, for an older man, he is not that bad looking. I don't understand why he finds all that Botox in my mother attractive, but to each their own.

"Thank you. I'm very excited. Christine is a wonderful woman." He says happily, a beer in his hand.

"Right, yes. She is." I almost choke out the words. I am relieved when he starts to talk to some other guy in a suit, someone I'm guessing is a co-worker.

I find Kyla in the kitchen, Glen with her.

"I don't get why _I _have to be here." Glen pouts, leaning against the counter.

Kyla punches his arm, hard. "If I suffer, you suffer Glen."

"Hey." I greet them, opening the fridge to grab a beer. "Sorry I'm late."

"You should be. I had to help decorate by myself. If I weren't on my way to getting drunk I would slap you."

I chuckle. "There's always later Kyla."

"Ashley!" I hear my name screeched from the other room and groan. Kyla gives me a sympathetic look and I down my beer in record time before heading over to where that horrible noise had just come from.

My mother points to a spot by the door in the foyer and says: "Greet."

I glare at her. I feel like an alter boy.

I put on my fake smile and greet people as they come through the door. I greet the lady with the hat that looks like it has a peacock on it and I stifle a burst of laughter. I greet the short man with an ugly-ass puke green tie. And I greet the older guy and try not to throw up when he hits on me and winks in my direction. I try my hardest not to roll my eyes when I am asked by one of my mom's country club friends if I have a boyfriend.

Twenty-five minutes later I am dying for another beer. I hear someone approaching and put my smile back on.

"Hi, how are-" But I stop when I see Spencer.

Spencer in a blue colored sundress and small sweater, smiling at me from the doorway. Spencer with her hair curled in loose ringlets around her face, just enough mascara and eyeliner to make her gorgeous blue eyes shine intensely.

"Oh wow." I breathe out invonuntarily, hoping she didn't hear that.

Spencer smirks and it could be from what I said, or merely from the fact that I'm like the little child standing at the door greeting all the grown-ups.

"Hey." She throws out easily, a large smile on her face.

"Hi. How are you? Welcome to Christine Davies' engagement party. Can I hang your coat?" I ask in a robotic voice with a smirk on my face.

Spencer snorts, and it's adorable. "Your mom must have done some serious damage on you."

I smile. "You look really- nice." I say, stopping myself from saying beautiful.

"Thanks Ash. So do you. You always did have a thing for vests."

"And you always did look great in dresses." I retort, smirking. "Um," I shake my head to stop myself from saying more stupid things, "Kyla and Glen are in the kitchen. Well, they were like a half hour ago."

"I bet Kyla's drunk." Spencer laughs, walking past me and I catch some of her wonderful smelling perfume.

"Save me a beer?" I ask and wink at her as she walks away.

Spencer nods and smiles, leaving me to return to hell.

When I am finally relieved of my greeting duties, I make a bee-line for Spencer, Kyla, and Glen in the kitchen. And they're all still there, camping out like they'd light on fire if they stepped out into the dining room.

"How was greeting?" Kyla ask me with a smirk on her face.

"Fantastic. You're doing it next time."

"Please." She snorts. "There better not be a fucking next time."

"Beer?" Spencer asks sweetly, holding out a Corona for me.

"Oh God, thank you." I reply, taking it from her hand.

"Won't she notice that we're not out there, like, mingling?" Glen asks, looking out into the dining room.

"Nah, she's way too into talking to her fancy-ass friends." I tell him.

Glen shrugs. "I'm gunna go eat."

"Oh, I'll come with you! I want that, um, what's that stuff she has out there?" Kyla asks.

"Humus?" I laugh out.

'Yes! Humus." She exclaims like a little girl and takes Glen's hand, dragging him out.

I turn to Spencer and just look at her for a second. I smile even though I don't know why. Maybe because I like being here with her. Just her and me. Or maybe because she looks so absolutely gorgeous that it's probably a dangerous idea for me to be left alone with her.

"I'm sorry you have to experience this. Again." I tell her, taking a sip of my beer.

Spencer shrugs and grins. "It's not that bad." She nudges my shoulder with her elbow.

"Yeah, well, you didn't have to greet." I reply.

"Well, you got to greet me, right?" She says, a smile on her pretty face.

I chuckle, suddenly feeling hot. "The only good part." I tell her, catching her eyes. "Where's Carmen?" I ask.

I don't know why I do it.

Spencer frowns slightly. "I didn't invite her."

"Oh, why?" I ask again.

Someone make me stop. Stop talking Ashley.

"Just, because." Spencer says in an annoyed voice. "Why does it matter?"

I'm taken kind of off guard. I thought I was doing the right thing by being polite. "I don't- know. I was just being polite." I confess.

"Yeah, but you don't mean it Ashley."

"Spencer." I say quietly.

"I wanted to come here, alone. To hang out with you, okay? I barely ever see you anyway. Jesus, just stop asking me about Carmen." She rushes out, her voice getting louder.

I can't help the bitterness that flows through me. "She's your _girlfriend_ Spencer. You're right, I'm sorry we don't see each other. I'm sorry, okay. I don't want to have this conversation, let's just hang out."

"Why!?" She almost yells. I meet her eyes and they're angry and cloudy. "We can _never_ have this conversation Ashley. We haven't been having this conversation for like, a year. I am so sick of not having this conversation and not understanding."

I duck my head down. "Okay. I'm sorry." I repeat.

"Stop apologizing Ash." Spencer says more softly. "I don't even know what you're saying sorry for." She closes her eyes hard for a second and brings her hands to her face. When she opens them, they're not as angry and they're lighter.

I feel bad. And I know why I'm apologizing. I'm apologizing for pushing her away from me when she started to go out with Carmen. I'm apologizing for continuing to push her away after all this time. I'm apologizing for not telling her I love her and that I think about kissing her all the time. I'm apologizing for being so bitter and pretending to care that I want to know where or how Carmen is. I'm apologizing for hurting her, because God, I don't want to do that.

But I don't say any of that.

I reach my hand out and put it on her shoulder. Spencer looks at me with blue eyes and I frown. "Hey." I say softly. "I promise we'll talk." I bring my hand to her hair in a moment of boldness and softly push a ringlet behind her ear. I bring my hand down and touch her chin lightly. "Just keep me company in this hell-hole, please? Before I kill myself?"

Spencer smiles lightly at me. Her eyes looking at mine with something good in them. She nods. "Yeah, okay."

I exhale audibly and take a sip of beer. "I guess we should go out there?"

Spencer nods, grabs my hand, and heads into the dining room. I go three minutes without being bombarded by people.

"Ashley! How are you dear?" Some lady, who I can't for the life of me remember the name of, asks me. She's wearing a beige pants suit and has a weird button on it. It looks like a lady-bug.

"I'm great." I answer absentmindedly.

"Good." She says with a smile. "Who is this gorgeous young girl?" She turns to Spencer, giving her a smile.

I look at Spencer and squeeze her hand in mine. "This my best friend, Spencer Carlin."

"Nice to meet you." Spencer reaches out to shake the lady's hand.

The lady gulps down the rest of her martini. "You ready for the big day?"

I resist the urge to roll my eyes basically out of my head. "It should be great."

"Definitely." Kyla says, popping up next to me.

"Gosh, you two sisters look so much alike." She says in a hazy daze.

I shoot Kyla a warm smile and I see her try not to laugh.

"_This is bullshit." I spat out, slamming my bedroom door. "My sister? Seriously? I have a frigging sister now?" _

_I had just met Kyla for the first time. My dad had died maybe about a month ago and here, on my doorstep, was this girl claiming to be my half-sister. A bastard child and I had to now live with her. It didn't help that my mother was all up in Kyla's business. Asking her questions and making her feel at home. _

"_Come on Ash, it's not that bad." Spencer said from the across the room. _

"_How would you like to find out you have some mysterious half-sister because your dead father fucked some other woman?"_

_Spencer frowned. "Well, when you put it that way. But, Kyla didn't get to know him. You did. Can you imagine how that feels?"_

"_Whatever. He's dead." I said dejectedly, plopping down on my bed. I put my head in my hands and willed myself not to cry. There had been too much of that over the past month. I was emotionally strained and tired and I so didn't want to deal with this bullshit. _

_Spencer came over to the bed and sat down next to me. Her hand reached around me to rub my back. "Just give her a chance? I'm sure she's feeling like total shit right now too."_

_I didn't have time to answer because my door opened and my supposed "sister" peeked her head in._

"_Um, I'm sorry to bother you." She said timidly, looking at the ground. "But, do you have a towel I could borrow?"_

_I looked at Spencer and frowned. Maybe she was right. This girl was probably feeling just as shitty as I was. Her dad, our dad, was a man-whore. _

_I got up and went to my dresser. "Here." I handed it to her. "And uh, Kyla, if you need anything else. Just, let me know." I gave her a sincere, warm smile, and just that fact that she smiled back, a little scared but comforted, made me not as angry. _

"_Thank you Ashley." She said and left the room. _

_I went back to the bed where Spencer was now lying down. I laid down beside her and snuggled myself into her side, needing her right now. Spencer wrapped her arm around me and whispered in my ear. "Not so bad, right?"_

_I made a grunting noise in response, as to say: "I guess not." _

_Spencer chuckled and pulled me closer. Her hand ran through my hair and I felt better._

"_Ugh, my life is messed up." I muttered from her shoulder._

"_Maybe, but you have me."_

_I looked up into her eyes. "Thank you." _

_Spencer smiled softly and kissed my forehead. I put my head into her neck and tried to think that as long as I had Spencer then I would be okay. _

_I had no idea how true that really was._

"I'll call you sometime this week. We have to go try cake and look at flowers and shit." Kyla told me as I hugged her goodbye.

"_So_ glad I'm not doing that." Glen chuckled as he gave me and his sister a hug.

Spencer and I waved to them as they tried to walk in a straight line down the street.

"Thank you for coming, seriously, you have no idea how miserable I would have been without you here." I say to Spencer as I turn to her.

"Of course. But I'm sure you would have been fine." She says with a smile.

"I doubt it."

Spencer laughs lightly and goes to give me a hug goodbye. I embrace her and sigh quietly into her shoulder.

"Goodnight, honeybunch." I say absentmindedly, calling her a nickname from the past.

Spencer blinks and smiles brightly at me with her blue eyes. "'Night Oats." She says and heads down the street.

I watch the girl I _wish_ I were run after her down the street. I watch that girl turn her around and tell her to wait. That girl tells Spencer that God, she loves her and she wants to be with her. The girl I wish I were kisses Spencer lightly on the lips and caresses her face affectionately.

In reality, the girl that I am stands on the sidewalk watching Spencer walk away.


	9. missing the world

**I want to thank you all for your wonderful words. They're as wonderful as you are.  
**

"Bitches."

"What?"

"Bitches."

"What?" I repeat from the kitchen.

"Bitches!" Madison yells from my living room. "They're all bitches."

I walk into my living room with a bag of chips in my hand. "Turn this shit off, I'm not watching _Rock of Love_ with you."

"Seriously, what bitches." She says, changing the channel to _Family Feud_. "I love this show!"

I chuckle and sit down on the opposite couch. "What?" She asks. "Don't tell me you don't enjoy this show, Davies."

"No, I like it. I love it."

_"Name something you wouldn't pay money for..." _The host asks the contestant, who looks like she might puke all over the floor.

"Bitches!" Madison screams loudly. I give her a seriously confused look. "Sorry, that word was echoing in my head." She answers quietly.

Madison leans back and props her feet up on my cluttered coffee table. "Anyway, how was the engagement dinner?"

"Sucky." I respond. "I had to greet all my mother's friends."

"Oh shit. Did that one lady ask you if you had a boyfriend again?"

I nod my head slowly. "She did. I said I was still looking for the _right man_." I laugh out.

Madison snickers. "Geez, some people are so dense."

"Yeah, Spencer didn't bring Carmen though, so that was a nice little bonus." I grin evily.

"I'm sure. Did you confess your undying love for her?"

I give her a look. "No, Madison."

"Well why not?" Madison whines like a two-year old.

"Um, because she has a girlfriend and just, because." I say angrily.

"Come on Ashley. I'm telling you right now to do it before it's too late." She turns to me and says. Her eyes are sincere and that's what kills me.

I shake my head. "And what could make it too late?" I ask sarcastically, popping a chip in my mouth.

Madison shrugs. "I don't know. There could be an _earthquake_."

I snort. "You're such a freak."

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When Madison leaves my apartment, it is still relatively early. I have no lessons planned out for the rest of the day, so I decide to do something I haven't done in a while. Something I used to do all the time, but drifted away from.

I walk slowly through the streets I've come to know so well over the years. It is unusually warm out for being fall, and I am thankful for that. I move slow, taking in my surroundings. It smells like fall. You know, that smell of leaf piles and grass. Something rustic in the air. Of course, I can only smell this once I get to the park, where there actually is grass.

Sundays are one of my favorite days. There is just something so peaceful about a Sunday. Something calming that can only be associated with this day. I pick a bench that is unoccupied in an area with only a small number of people passing. I set my guitar case down and open it up. I sit for a little while, just looking around.

And when I actually do open my mouth and start to play a song, my voice cracks and it takes a few minutes for me to get in synch. But I eventually do. I fumble around trying to remember verses for the first song that pops in my head.

_No, I'm not colorblind  
I know the world is black and white  
Try to keep an open mind  
But I just can't sleep on this tonight._

_Stop this train  
I wanna get off  
And go home again  
I can't take the speed it's moving in  
I know I can't  
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?_

_So scared of getting older  
I'm only good at being young  
So I play the numbers game  
To find a way to say that life has just begun._

_Had a talk with my old man  
Said "help me understand"  
He said "turn sixty-eight  
You renegotiate"_

_Once in awhile, when it's good  
It'll feel like it should  
And they're all still around  
And you're still safe and sound  
And you don't miss a thing  
'__Til you cry when you're driving away in the dark  
Singing,_

_Stop this train  
I wanna get off  
And go home again  
I can't take the speed it's moving in  
I know I can  
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train._

The second I stop playing I hear clapping come from across the pathway. I was so into it I hadn't even realized that Aiden was watching me intently the whole time.

Aiden walks up to me and sits down next to me on the bench.

"Thanks Aiden." I say, with a slight blush on my face, a little out of breath.

"That was awesome Ash." He says and nods.

I shrug. "I think I missed some parts, oh well. What's up?"

Aiden leans back on the bench. "Nothing really. I just had a late lunch with Glen. He was telling me all about his new job and stuff."

"That's cool."

"Yeah, definitely." We sit in a peaceful silence for a couple seconds. "Spencer talked about you the other day." Aiden says casually.

I try not to show too much eagerness. "Really, what'd she say?"

Aiden meets my eyes for a second before staring straight ahead again. "Just that she's all happy you guys are seeing a lot of each other again. She was basically peeing her pants with excitement when she said you guys went out to lunch the other week."

I smile. "Yeah, It was really nice. I'm happy too, I miss her. God, I miss her a lot."

"Her and Carmen have been fighting." Aiden says randomly.

I stop myself from standing on top of the bench and jumping for joy. I feel like that might not be the most mature reaction. So I settle for saying, "Oh yeah? About what?"

Aiden shrugs. "I'm not sure. But I have my speculations." He says with a glance my way.

I chuckle easily. "Of course you do."

Aiden laughs and turns to look at me. "Yeah. Well, I gotta go meet Kate for an early dinner. Again, awesome playing, I'll see you around Ash."

I stand to give him a hug goodbye. "Have fun." I give him a wink and he leaves the park laughing.

I sit in the park and play a little longer, until I see the sun going down. I make my way home, with a slight smile on my face. When I get to my building I see Jamie sitting outside on the steps.

"Oh shit Jamie, did we have a lesson? I totally forgot." I rush out hurriedly. Jamie gets up with a big smile on her face.

"No, no we didn't. I just, well remember that girl I told you about?" Jamie says excitedly.

I take a seat next to her on the steps. "Yeah, the one in your class, right?"

"Yeah, I asked her out and she said yes!" She is basically jumping out of her skin, all smiles, all blushed face.

I laugh and smile at her. "That's awesome Jamie. Congratulations."

"Thanks!"

"So, how'd you figure out she was gay?"

Jamie gives me a mischievous smile. "Well, we were waiting outside my classroom for class to start. And I commented that I hated the song playing through the intercom. And she said she hated it too. And then I was like 'yeah, my ex-girlfriend ruined it for me.' And then she was like 'I understand, _my _ex-girlfriend ruined marshmallows for me.' But you know, I don't _have_ an ex-girlfriend."

I laugh loudly at Jamie's story and excitement. "Clever. I like it."

"Thanks. I was so excited I had to tell you about it."

"Well thank you for sharing with me." I smile at her.

After talking a little more, Jamie basically hops up and down the street with excitement. I smile at her leaving form.

"_Hello?" I said groggily into the phone that had awoken me from a deep sleep. _

"_Come over! Come over! Come over!" Spencer's excited voice said over and over again through the line loudly. _

_I glanced to my stereo clock. "Spence." I whined. "Are you aware that it's Saturday morning?"_

_I heard her huff. "Just, come over! Please Ash?"_

"_This better be important." I mumbled before I hung up. _

_When I pulled up to Spencer's house, she was sitting outside waiting for me, tapping her legs up and down, a very large smile on her face. Once I was in arms length of her, she gripped my shoulders and jumped up and down in place. _

"_I got it! I got in! I got in!" She rushed out, her eyes wide. _

_It took me a second to understand. "Wait, to NYU?!" I said in a higher voice than normal._

"_Yes!" She exclaimed. _

"_Oh my God Spence!" I yelled and hugged her hard. I picked her up off the ground and twirled her around. She had been waiting for that letter religiously for the past month. She was so stressed out about it that I was starting to share that stress. She would get excited when the mail came but seriously pissed off when there was no response. Her anger had recently resulted in her throwing a plastic up at my head for my plea for her to "_Please calm down"_. _

_I finally placed her back on the ground. "I'm so proud of you Spencer." I smiled at her. _

_And I was. Truthfully, I had been nervous. Because I was nervous about her leaving me to go to school. I wished things could just stay the same for a while, because they were good. I knew she would get into every school she applied to, there was no doubt in my mind. Really, we lived so close to the city it wasn't a big deal. I was planning to move there eventually anyway. But when I saw how excited and ecstatic Spencer was about getting in, it made my heart melt and all I felt was pure joy for my best friend. She deserved it, she deserved the full ride and everything they gave her. Because she was wonderful, and the admissions people obviously understood that as well as I did. _

"_Thanks Ash." She said, still smiling wide like an idiot. But an adorable one. _

_I gave her another hug. "Come on." I said, pulling her towards my car. "We're going to lunch to celebrate." _

"_I knew you were gunna get in." I told her over pasta at our favorite Italian place. _

"_Oh yeah?" Spencer smirked at me, twirling spaghetti around her fork. "How'd you know, oh psychic one?"_

_I laughed lightly. "Because you're wonderful. No- school would be stupid enough to reject you." I told her seriously, saying school instead of what I wanted to say, _no one_. _

_Spencer smiled wide at me. "Thanks Ash." _

_I shrugged. "It's true." _

Do you ever wish you had a time machine? Sometimes I think things would be so much easier if I had a time machine. I would be selfish. I wouldn't go back to a war, and I wouldn't go back to the Medieval Ages and save people from the Plague. I wouldn't go tell Vanilla Ice that he really shouldn't be stealing Queens' beats. I wouldn't have warned Titanic about the iceberg up ahead or had them go back for the binoculars. I would be selfish and go back to a time when me and Spencer were great. When we were best friends and happy. I would have gone to the music program with her, or even better, I would have told her how I felt before Carmen ever entered the picture.

Really though, who was going to build a time machine for a girl with such self-centered thoughts and ideas? They would want someone who's interested in the good of the world.

But the thing is, Spencer _is_ my world.

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**Note: Song is _Stop This Train _by John Mayer. I shortened it, though. I usually wouldn't have put the whole song in at once, but I really like this song and something about it made me think it would fit nicely. :)**


	10. video games to mind games

**Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!  
Tell me what you thiiiink :D **

_-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- _

Picture the montage scene from _The Wedding Singer_.

You know, the one where they all eat cake, try on dresses, and watch the guy test the limo. That one. Well, that has been the direction my day has been going in. Maybe not as totally cheery and happy-go-lucky as that, but it's getting there. I usually hate all this crap. The flowers, the caterers, the band, the cake. But it's definitely not I-wanna-jump-off-a-bridge bad. It's actually semi-good.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel a hard hit to my ribs as my eyes snap open. I hear soft trumpets and saxophones and my eyes focus, taking in a band on stage. And I remember that Kyla, my mother, Spencer, and I are listening to wedding bands.

"Ow." I moan, rubbing my side.

"You have to endure this too." Spencer whispers from her seat next to me.

I slouch down lower in my seat. "Shh, just, nap time." I say groggily and I hear Spencer giggle.

"Ashley." My mother's shrill voice throws my grogginess out the window. "This is _important_." She spits out.

"Sorry." I mumble, straightening myself out in the chair.

The band finishes their lovely slow song and my mother claps, turning to Spencer and Kyla. "What did you think?"

"Oh, they were great, Christine." Spencer says sweetly with a smile on her face.

"Definitely." Kyla agrees, nodding her head.

"I didn't really li-" I start to say but my mother cuts me off.

"Great! I'll go book them. You girls get going, you have cakes to try and candles to smell!" She says excitedly and skips away to the stage.

I shake my head, my eyes narrowing at my stupid mother. "I hope her wedding sucks." I mumble.

"Ashley." Spencer says seriously, looking at me. "Come on, she's gone now, we can have fun."

I roll my eyes at her, but she just grins and I see her eyes sparkle and they suck me in.

Later in the day, I am so glad I wore my Converse because we have been walking _everywhere_. Spencer said it was good exercise. So Kyla has been bitching the entire time, her heels giving her blisters all over her feet.

"Guys, we seriously need to stop. I have to buy sandals or something." Kyla whines from behind me and Spencer.

I look across the street and see a _Sports Authority_. I motion for them to follow me and I enter inside.

"Here." I say to Kyla. "Buy some sandals. I can't listen to you complain anymore or you won't be alive for this wedding."

"Like that would be a bad thing." Kyla mutters as she walks over to some guy who works there, asking where she can find some sandals.

Spencer nudges my shoulder and smirks at me. "Come on, it's not _that_ bad."

"Spence. I just spent an hour. An _hour_ smelling five hundred candles that people most likely won't even notice. I think I'm high."

Spencer smiles. "Yeah, but at least now you smell all flowery."

"What." I chuckle. "Are you saying I didn't smell nice before?" I tease her.

Spencer rolls her eyes. "You always smell good. Shut up."

I shake my head and grin. I spot a big basket of plastic balls from the corner of my eye and head over. I grab the brightest pink one I can find and yell over to Spencer. "Hey, Spence."

Right as she turns her head towards me I chuck the ball at her head. It bounces off her forehead and her mouth drops open. I stick my tongue out at her. But I don't anticipate for her to grab one herself and throw it at me. After I avoid it she grabs two more and runs after me.

"Bad idea Davies." She says loudly.

I run down an aisle laughing and duck my head right as she throws another one at me. It whizzes past me and I turn to see a Manager get hit directly in the face. Spencer stands still with a look of shock on her face. I try my best not to break out in some serious laughter.

"Oh my God, I am so sor-" She starts to say but the older Manager guy interrupts her.

"Out of this store. Now."

I snicker but stop when he addresses me as well. "You too." He points to me.

Spencer raises her eyebrow at me.

"Out! Now!" The Manager yells again, significantly louder this time.

Spencer and I take a seat on the ledge outside of the store.

"Good job douchebag." I say to her.

"You started it!"

"I'm not the one who hit the guy in the face. God, you suck so bad Spence." I laugh and she hits me hard on the arm. "How old are we again?" I ask, still laughing.

"Well, you're older than me so you should feel worse." Spencer chuckles.

"Right. Like one year is really a difference." I retort.

Spencer smiles at me. "Hey remember that one time we got kicked out of that arcade."

I turn to meet her gorgeous blue eyes. "Of course."

"_You are so dead. So dead!" I yelled at Spencer standing next to me. _

_She squinted her eyes and fired her gun right at the screen. _

"Fail"_ the electronic voice said._

"_Fuck!" Spencer yelled, slamming her gun down. _

"_Language Spencer Carlin!" I giggled, pulling the trigger and successfully killing her. _

"_Oh, shut up Ash." Spencer responded, stepping away from the game. "You want a soda or something?" _

_I nodded. "Yeah, I'll be over here." I pointed to where the racing games were in the arcade zone. "Thanks sweet cheeks." I said in a mock sweet voice. _

_Spencer shook her head and laughed, heading over to the counter where you ordered food and drinks. _

_I moved over to the racing games, they were always my favorite. I took a seat in one of the cars and started my game. I was in the lead the entire time. I was feeling good. And then, out of nowhere, some jerk came and ran me off the road. My car flipped over and tumbled to the side. When it finally regained balance, I was dead last and all the cars had finished. _

"_Motherfucker!" I yelled loudly, getting out of my seat and starting to kick the game. Hard. I continued to kick it and yell obscenities until someone interrupted me. _

"_Um, miss. We're gunna have to ask you to leave." A very large guard said. _

"_Hey." Spencer said suspiciously with two sodas in her hand. She took in my flushed and angry face, the guards crossed arms._

"_Are you with her?" He asked Spencer._

"_Yes." Spencer said, looking at me. _

"_I'm sorry, I need both of you to leave. Now." He answered in a monotone voice. _

"_Fine." I spat out at him, grabbing Spencer's elbow. "Come on Spence." _

"_Ashley, it was a game." Spencer said for the fifth time as we sat outside on the curb. _

"_It cheated me!" I answered, still slightly pissed off. _

_Spencer laughed lightly. "I can't believe you got us kicked out of an arcade."_

_I sipped my soda and shrugged. "I can't believe I lost." I grumbled. _

_Spencer chuckled and put her hand to my cheek. "Aww, poor baby, will you be okay?" _

_I met her loving blue eyes and squinted. "No."_

_Spencer smirked, her lips met my cheek softly and my eyes fluttered. "How 'bout now?" She asked, softer. _

"_I guess." I murmured. But a smile came onto my face, breaking my tough façade. "Sorry I got us kicked out Spence."_

_Spencer sipped her soda and met my eyes. "It's okay. I stole these sodas."_

"_Spencer!" I laughed out. I shook my head and glanced back at my best friend. "You're a strange girl."_

"_You would know!" Spencer said. "But come one, you love it."_

_I chuckled. "I do."_

"What is wrong with you two!?" Kyla's voice breaks mine and Spencer's staring match. "I had to be asked if I was with the girls who started the ruckus."

I snort and meet her eyes. "Sorry Ky."

"Whatever, we need to go try cakes."

Spencer and I groan at the same time and get up to follow Kyla down the street in her new _Adidas_ sandals.

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I never, in my life, knew there were so many different kinds of cake. Vanilla. Chocolate. Strawberry. Orange. Peach. Raspberry. Coffee. Red Velvet. Clover (which I still have no idea what that is). This was, of course, before my mother got married to her second husband. Sebald. No, I'm actually serious. Sebald. Sebald had strict diet plans, and he was very picky about his cake. So I had tried every cake baked on the entire face of the Earth for that wedding. Now, I am back trying all kinds of cakes.

I feel as if I might die from all the sugary frosting I have eaten over the past half an hour.

"No, this one just doesn't _taste_ right." Kyla says, holding a fork with a piece of orange cake with white icing on it.

"What do you mean? They _all_ taste good." Spencer says, stuffing a chocolate piece in her mouth. I grin like a dork at her total cuteness.

"I think Christine wants a Red Velvet one." Kyla says, ignoring Spencer.

I take the piece of coffee cake with chocolate icing and pop it in my mouth. It's really thick and I'm having trouble swallowing it. Spencer is watching me with a smirk on my face.

"_Ater ease_?" I try and say to her, giving her an angry look for just laughing at me. She hands me a water bottle and I swallow a big gulp down. "Thanks. I'm gunna go with a _no_ for that last one."

"How are you ladies doing over here?" The baker lady comes over to where we are seated and asks us.

"Great. Can we try the Red Velvet one again?" Kyla asks politely, flashing the lady a nice smile.

The lady nods and walks away back into the kitchen.

Spencer plops another piece of the same cake she had before in her mouth, leaving some icing wiped across her cheek and the side of her mouth. And in that moment I wish I were with her for the sole reason that I want to lean across her and kiss the icing off of the side of her mouth.

"Uh, you got some, Spence…" I trail off, pointing to my own mouth to show her where it is. She wipes at the wrong side and I laugh. "Wrong side."

She swipes again and totally misses. "Gone?"

I shake my head no and Spencer pouts. "Can you get it?" She asks me, leaning her face slightly towards me.

I chuckle as I bring my hand to the side of her mouth, wiping away the frosting. My thumb lingers on her bottom lip for about the three longest seconds of my life. Maybe it's me, or maybe it's the strange lighting in this place, but Spencer's eyes are a bit darker. I pull my hand away. "You're good." I croak.

Spencer keeps her eyes steadily on mine. "Thanks." She murmurs.

"Here you go ladies." The baker lady comes back with some pieces of the cake Kyla asked for. Kyla, who was too busy to notice what just happened.

"Thanks." She says cheerily.

I feel Spencer's eyes still on my face even after I've torn mine away from her own. I try to focus on trying this last cake but my hand keeps feeling tingles, which spread through my arms, to my neck, down my legs, and to other places. Spencer and I don't speak directly to each other for the rest of the cake-trying session. And I am relieved when Kyla says that we're done for today. Relieved because just a few more instances like those and I would be finding myself pouncing on Spencer.

Kyla says her goodbyes and catches the subway back to her apartment.

"I had a good time with you today." I tell Spencer as we get to the steps of my apartment. The sun is starting to set and the pink colored sky is illuminating Spencer's blonde hair. Her eyes are bright blue. She looks so beautiful my heart is almost aching at the sight of her.

"Me too." She says softly, meeting my brown eyes.

"Um." I fumble around with the keys in my hand. "Do you wanna come up for coffee or something?" I ask her.

Spencer looks at the ground and then back up at me.

_Say yes_.

"Yeah sure, that sounds good." She answers and follows me up the steps and into my apartment. "Wow, this is really cool." Spencer breathes out as we enter.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you've never been here." I say guiltily. I catch her eyes and they have this sadness to them that breaks my heart into small jagged pieces. Falling all over the floor. "I'm sorry." I tell her sincerely. Apologizing again, for all the things I can't say.

"Well, I'm here now. That's what matters." She says seriously, giving me a soft smile.

I nod. "Make yourself at home."

I flip the light to the kitchen on and start up a pot of coffee. My heart is beating a little fast for my liking. And my hands are a little too jittery for my liking. Once the coffee is dripping, I turn around only to bump right into Spencer who was walking up behind me.

"Oof." I breathe out as my body bumps hers and now we are close. Now, my heart beat picks up more speed and my eyes are looking right into hers.

Do you ever get that feeling that someone is just waiting for you to kiss them? That they're right there, right in front of you all this time, and they're looking at you. Expecting. Waiting.

That's how I've felt with Spencer all day long. And I want to believe that's how Spencer has felt with me. I want to believe that so badly.

She doesn't back up and even though it's as quick as a cat, her eyes flicker to my lips and back up. I catch it. Simply because perhaps I was meant to. Perhaps because this one time, I'm being allowed to catch it even if it might have happened a million other times before.

I touch my nose softly to hers and her eyes flutter closed and open. I place a hand on Spencer's hip to steady myself and my lips come into contact with the very side part of her mouth. The crease. It's so light, that it almost feels like I'm just breathing on her. My face is _right there_, lips resting lightly still in that one spot.

I don't know what I've just done. And I don't know what to do from here.

Spencer brings her hand to my chin and redirects my lips to her own. And her lips are on mine. And they're soft, and warm, and they're like I always imagined they would be. Except one point five billion times better and sweeter.

It is the simplest, most intimate kiss I have ever shared with anyone. Here in my dimly lit kitchen, coffee brewing behind me. I kiss Spencer Carlin, my best friend.

I know I should stop. But I can't do it. I can't stop my hands from guiding her to press her up against the other side of my kitchen counter. And I can't stop the way my tongue comes out hesitantly to brush against her lower lip softly. And I can't stop the way Spencer's soft moan in my mouth makes me feel. And I can't stop her from accepting it slowly into her own mouth, only to be met with her own. Her hands in my curls make me not able to stop.

Spencer pulls away first, our faces still impossibly close together. My lips on the very side of hers, where it started.

And where it ends.


	11. semantics, semantics

**Thank you all for the reviews and everything, I really appreciate it. :)  
Here's another, hope you like.  
Oh, and have a happy Easter tomorrow :D **

I physically cannot open my eyes.

And I'm not sure I want to. I want to stay right here, in this dream-like moment.

"I should go." Spencer says quietly, and her words allow my eyes to snap open violently. She steps away from me and the wonderful warmth of her body so close to mine is gone and I am left feeling chilly.

I don't say anything. I want to stop her from getting her purse. From grabbing her jacket. Her eyes never landing on me. They never open except when she turns her back on me to leave. I try and force words out, any words. To make her stay. To get her lips back where they were only moments before.

It's a difficult feat.

I am still standing in my kitchen when I hear my apartment door close harshly. The sound reverberates in my head and I stand still. It takes all of one, small minute for me to tear my feet away from the spot I was standing in and race out the door. To follow Spencer. I won't let this happen. And it might be awkward. It might be weird. But I won't allow myself to drift, to forget. Again.

Spencer is about halfway down the block when I finally get outside and my heart is pounding hard against my ribcage.

"Spencer!" I yell loudly down the street to her moving figure. I jog my way to her. At the sound of her own name, Spencer stops speed-walking and stands still in the middle of the sidewalk. Her back is still faced to me and she is not turning around. I see her shoulders move up and down with each breath she is trying to let escape.

"Spencer." I say more softly this time to her back. And she turns around.

Her eyes lock onto mine, her blue eyes glittering with all these things I wish I could unravel. I know she's looking the same way at my brown ones.

"What just happened." She states in a calm, but delirious voice. Her hands are dug deep within her jean pockets.

"You kissed me."

"No." Spencer shakes her head. "You kissed _me_."

"Fine, we kissed." I rush out.

There's no time for semantics.

"Not fine Ashley. No, not _fine_. That- that shouldn't have happened. That was bad."

I stare at her, I don't want my eyes to narrow in anger but they do just that. "What? Bad? You were there, right?"

"No, I mean. Jesus, no, the kiss was not bad. It was- I mean, it shouldn't have happened, it was bad." Spencer tries to amend her words. I hear what she's trying to say. Her words are sincere. And it kills me.

I look to my side and then look back at her. I'm done with all the drifting. All the time lapses. I'm done with pretending that this isn't _something_. I can't play this little game in my head anymore.

"Why not? It happened. I wanted it to happen." I tell her honestly. "Christ, I don't regret it."

_Tell me you don't regret it either._

"I have a _girl_friend. I just cheated on my girlfriend." Spencer says evenly.

I ignore the words about her girlfriend. I ignore all thoughts of Carmen and excuse them from my head for the time being. "Do you regret it?"

Spencer shakes her head and looks down. "That was wrong. I, shit, I'm sorry Ashley. It wasn't right."

I take one small step towards her. "Spencer. Spencer look at me." She looks up hesitantly. "Look me in the eyes and tell me it wasn't right." I dare her.

She is quiet for a few seconds. "I have a girlfriend Ashley! One that I've been with for a long time." She bursts out. Her face a little contorted.

"Tell me you love her, that you're totally and completely in love with her. Tell me you felt nothing when you kissed me. Tell me Carmen is _everything_ to you." I take a breath. "Tell me that, seriously tell me, and I'll believe you."

"That's not how it works Ashley!" Spencer says in a harsh, loud voice. But all I hear, or more importantly, _don't_ hear, are the things I asked her to say.

"I know you feel this. Fuck, Spencer, you don't get it! She's _never_ loved you like I have." I whisper the last part to her.

"No, I _do_ get it! Dammit Ashley." She says, bringing her hands to her face. "This is bullshit. Do you know how long you've been pushing me away from you? Do _you_ get how that hurt me? My best fucking friend, this is the first time, these past few weeks, that I've actually spent a significant amount of time with you in like a year and a half!"

"Spencer." I say defeated, because I don't know what else to say. I want so desperately for her to hear how I am saying her name and how much it means to me. How much it makes me feel.

"You don't get to just come back out of nowhere and pretend like we never- drifted. That's not how it works Ashley. You aren't allowed to tell me these things after almost two whole years of weirdness between us and expect me to just jump into your arms."

"Spencer." I say again. Because I know she's right. God, she's right.

"Why now?" She asks seriously.

"I don't know." I confess.

"Do you know why I liked Carmen so much?" She asks randomly, softer now.

There is no possible way to measure just how much I _do not_ want to know the answer to that question. Spencer doesn't wait for me to reply.

"Because she told me how she felt. Jesus Christ, she didn't even know I was gay! And she told me she liked me. She just said it."

"Well I'm telling you now, doesn't that matter?" I say, my voice cracking, laced with despair.

"I waited years for you to say something. Fuck, I swear, even the night I told I was gay I swear you were going to say something. But you didn't. Not even years after."

"You didn't say anything either!" I accuse angrily.

"Because I thought you didn't feel it! I thought you would have said it." Spencer closes her eyes and opens them. I know she's not allowing the tears I see fill her eyes to spill onto the dirty sidewalk.

"Of _course_ I felt it." I whisper.

"I can't do this. I'm sorry Ashley. It's too late."

And with that, Spencer walks away, taking her body and my hope with her. I watch her go, and decide that her words won't stop me from trying. It might be late, but it can't be too late. It _can't_ be. I know I waited too long. I just really hope that I still have time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Shut up."

I sigh. "Stop telling me shut up, Madison."

"I just, I can't believe it. Are you sure you told me everything?"

"Yes, I'm sure, I told you everything like, four times." I tell her.

I watch Madison twirl the cap to her beer around in her hands a couple of time. She's sitting on the edge of my couch, listening to every word I tell her and hanging on to them like it's a life preserver. A floatation device.

She looks like she's thinking for a few more seconds, and the she shakes her head. "She'll come back. She'll come around."

"What?" I ask with a confused look on my face. "She made it pretty clear to me."

"She'll come back Ash. Look at you, have you seen you? Geez, I wouldn't kick you out of bed. She'll be back. Trust me." She tells me with confidence.

I shrug. "I don't know Mad." I say quietly, diverting my eyes to the now muted television. It's on a dead station, the screen stuck in a view of horizontal, fuzzy colors. Like when it's out of service. I take my eyes away from the colors and look to the side.

"_Come on Ash." Spencer said, dragging me by the hand down the street. _

"_Spencer, I really don't wanna go." I whined, one step behind her. _

"_Please? It could be interesting. I'm newly gay, I need to go." Spencer chuckled, tightening her grip on my hand. I groaned and followed her inside. _

_Spencer had dragged me to a _Gay Straight Alliance_ meeting. I hated these kind of meetings and events. I didn't like flaunting around my sexuality, or trading _experiences_. Honestly, I thought it was all bullshit. But Spencer was curious and she wanted to go. She wanted to be a part of something that _was _her. So she dragged me three towns over to this meeting. I only went because she begged me. _

_And by beg, I mean she asked me once. I would do anything in a heart beat for this girl. _

_The very first thing I noticed when I walked in was the rainbow flag over the doorway. I'm all about support and pride and shit, but that was really just too cheesy for my liking. _

"_Stop it." Spencer mumbled, most likely hearing me groan and knowing I rolled my eyes the second we walked in. _

_We sat through an hour and a half of people telling stories about when they came out. Stories about their religious parents. Stories about straight people defending kids bullied at school. It was all very _after-school-program-y_. But Spencer was totally enthralled and it was cute to watch her listen so intently, sitting on the edge of her seat. _

"_Hi." I heard a voice behind me say. Spencer and I were getting a drink and some cookies. I turned around to see a girl with dirty blonde hair smiling at us. _

"_Hi, I'm Spencer." Spencer said cheerily, shaking the girl's hand. _

"_Sarah." She said, her eyes on me. _

_Spencer hit my elbow. "This is Ashley." She told the girl. _

"_Are you guys new here?" Sarah asked us. She glanced to look at Spencer when she asked the question but her eyes came back to me. She was pretty cute. But I wasn't interested. _

"_Yeah, this is our first time." Spencer answered for both of us, accepting the fact that I wasn't up for chatting. _

_The Sarah girl nodded. "Are you two together?" _

"_Oh, no." I said, before Spencer said anything. I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable, although I would have loved to pretend Spencer was my girlfriend. Hell, I would have loved if Spencer _were_ my girlfriend. "Best friends." I told Sarah, a small smile on my face. _

_Spencer looked quickly at me but then diverted her eyes just when I tried to catch them. "I thought it was either of those two." Sarah said, chuckling. She met my eyes once again and I saw them sparkle a little bit. _

"_Yeah." Spencer said abruptly, putting her arm around my waist. "We're very close." _

"_Sarah!" A guy's voice said coming from the crowd behind us. A young guy about our age with red hair and freckles made his way over to us. "Hi." He said, looking at Spencer and I, who were strangers to him. _

"_Hi." Spencer smiled. "I'm Spencer."_

"_James." He pointed to himself and the looked at Sarah. "Sorry if my girlfriend was annoying you, she likes to talk to strangers."_

_I almost snorted the juice that I was about to swallow, up my nose. _

"_Girlfriend?" I asked the red-head curiously. _

_He nodded. "Yeah, we're here to support a friend." He smiled warmly. "We better go find John." He said to Sarah. _

_Sarah nodded and took James' hand. "Nice to meet you." She said to me and Spencer, her eyes _still_ on mine. A smirk on her face. _

"_Straight? Bullshit." I laughed out when they were gone. _

_Spencer looked back after them. "Yeah, I could have sworn…" She trailed off, looking at me in a similar way Sarah had been moments ago. _

"_Yeah." I chuckled, meeting her blue eyes. "Me too. Somebody needs to tell that poor kid his _girlfriend_ is hitting on girls." _

_Spencer laughed. "Come on." I said, grabbing her hand and dragging her away from the table full of food and drinks. "Let's go find someone to take away your lesbian virginity." _

"_Ashley!" Spencer shrieked out with a smile on her face as I pulled her through the crowd. _

It's three o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep. How do you sleep when earlier that day you kissed your best friend for the first time? The girl you love, the girl you told that to. The girl who told you it was too late. You don't sleep. You lay in your bed, eyes wide open. Mind racing.

I'm staring at my ceiling when I hear my buzzer go off. I grumble to myself, not wanting to listen to Madison talk anymore and go to the door.

"Yeah?" I say into the intercom.

And I find out that again, Madison was right.


	12. actions yell at high volumes

**:) Enjoy!**

"It's Spencer." She says quietly.

I hit the button for her to come up before she's even done talking. I wait the long, short minutes for the knock at my door and when I open it, Spencer is there. Just standing there looking right at me.

Have you ever just _known_ that no words are needed? That a moment, this moment you find yourself experiencing would be totally ruined if there were words involved? That in this instance, actions speak louder than words.

_Actions speak louder than words._

Spencer steps forward into my apartment and I meet her lips with mine, her mouth on mine, her body against mine. Her hands under my t-shirt, my hands in her gorgeous blonde hair. Her hot hands are tracing my equally hot abs and stomach. I move my own from her hair to cup her face in that gentle but oh-so rough way. I'm burning with fire and passion and all that I've ever desired. Spencer spins us around so she effectively kicks the door closed and pushes me softly up against the wall. We have still not broken our kiss. It's not sloppy and rushed, it's slow and passionate and so much more intense than I ever thought anything could ever be.

My back is against the wall and Spencer's warm body is touching mine _everywhere_. I pull her face impossibly closer and feel her tongue trace my lips and I don't even think a second about letting her in. I moan audibly into her inviting mouth as her tongue caresses mine. And I moan even louder and more roughly when her mouth meets the sensitive skin on my neck. All teeth and tongue and lips, all over. Spencer's lips are wet and warm as they trail up and down, on both sides. Tasting as much as the can. Biting as much as they can.

There are no words spoken as we make-out our way into my bedroom and I don't waste precious time closing my door, which is totally obsolete in this moment. I push her jacket off her shoulders with my hands, run them down her arms, and find the hem of her shirt, urging it upwards. And just as quickly, I find my shirt off of my body as well. Her magic hands find my ass and I grunt when she pulls me into her thigh. Into her body.

Our bodies meet the soft sheets of my bed in unison and we get lost in soft strokes and rough touches, loud moans and piercing screams, flashing colors and clenched hands, hot bodies and burning hearts.

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I wake up and it's dark because my shades are closed. I groan and roll over to my other side. I immediately feel how deliciously sore my body is as I move it. And I remember what happened last night. This morning. I reach my arm across the bed and come into contact with cold sheets.

I move my aching body up to rest against my headboard and see that I am alone in my room. I see a white piece of paper on the pillow next to mine.

_Ashley- I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye. I have an early class that I can't miss. Call me later? –Spencer_

I'm not really sure what to make of it. So I put it back gently in it's place and decide to have a cup of coffee before analyzing Spencer's note.

I pad my way into the kitchen, opening blinds as I go to let the sun in. I get the coffee going and grab my phone to dial a familiar number.

"Hello?" a groggy, hung-over voice says.

"You were right Madison." I say into my cell, smiling a bit as I watch the coffee drip.

"What? Ashley, it's early."

"Spencer came back." I say simply, twirling a packet of sugar in my hand.

"I'll be right over. I just have to put clothes on." And she hangs up. I cringe at the thought of why Madison might not be wearing any clothes.

About fifteen minutes later I let Madison inside my apartment and she's smirking like the know-it-all bitch she is. I hand her a cup of coffee and we sit down at the table.

"I told you." She finally says, pouring in some milk.

I shrug. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you." I chuckle.

"Christ, nice mark." Madison says with another smirk, tilting her head to look at my neck. I place my hand on my neck and find a very large, deep indent there. And I'm sure there are more other places. Places she can't see. "So."

I take a breathe. "So, she came back at like, three o'clock in the morning. And, you know…" I trailed off, knowing Madison would get the point.

"Just like that?" She asks curiously. "You just had sex, that's it, you didn't like talk or anything?"

I shake my head. "Um, not really. It just- happened."

Madison gives me a funny look. "Where is she now?" Madison slings her eyes towards my bedroom.

"She had an early class. She left this." I show her the note Spencer left on my pillow. _Her_ pillow.

Madison reads the note over. Twice. Three times. "What do you think?" I ask her.

"Hmmm. Well, it's not an awkward note. Not like- 'thanks for the fuck, see ya.' But it's not totally mushy, there's no heart by her name or yours. Although she asked you to call her later. That's good. The fact that she even _left_ a note is good." Madison reads it over again. "I'd say it's a safe, unsure note. Hopeful, though."

"Oh yeah? Is that what you're concluding?" I smirk.

"That _is_ my conclusion. What do you think?"

I sigh and take a long sip of coffee. "I don't know. All I know is that it was amazing, and as wrong as it was, it just, felt so _right_."

"Aaaand, she has a girlfriend." Madison says gently.

"And she has a girlfriend." I breathe out. "So, how was your night?"

Madison smiles. "Good. You remember that hot piece of man from the club the other week?"

I chuckle. "I do."

"Well, he's not only good at dancing, but other things."

"Gross." I laugh, getting up to put my cup in the sink.

"_Do you ever wish you could just, go back? Like, pick one moment in time and choose to totally re-do it?" Spencer asked me, lying sideways on my bed. _

"_Of course." I answered calmly. "I kind of think everyone does."_

_We were laying on my bed one night. Just talking. We did that a lot. It was one of the things I had truly cherished about our friendship. That we didn't have to really be actually doing anything. Sure, we went out and stuff a lot. To parties. To eat. To coffee. To hang with our other friends. But these moments, just the two of us, were part of the reason I felt myself falling hard for my best friend. _

"_What about people who say they have no regrets?" Spencer said, yawning slightly._

_I adjusted my arm under my pillow. "They're full of shit." I simply said._

_Spencer chuckled and I felt the mattress move a tiny bit. "You think so?"_

"_Definitely. There's always _something _someone wishes they could change. Even if it's something small." I shrugged. "Why, what would you change?" I asked her, honestly curious. _

"_I don't know." Spencer thought for a second, her eyebrows close together. "I don't know if this is something I would change, but I kind of wish I never had sex with a guy."_

"_Gross." I said, laughing at her. "But, that's an experience, you know. And it wasn't bad." I said, because I knew it wasn't, she'd told me about it long ago, long before she ever realized she was gay. _

_Spencer shook her head. "No, it wasn't. I wonder why I didn't realize I was gay then."_

"_I'm a gold star Spence, through and through. And just because I knew I was gay after even kissing a guy, that's not for everyone, everyone's different." _

"_I wish I was a gold star." Spencer said dreamily._

_I chuckled at how cute she was. I calmed down and we just laid for a while. "Ashley?"_

"_Yes Spencer." I smiled. _

"_I had sex with Carmen."_

_My smile promptly dropped from my face like a bomb from a fighter pilot. It was gone. I closed my eyes quickly and then opened them, trying not reveal just how much those five words were breaking my heart. Spencer had been going out with Carmen for about two weeks. And my opinion for the girl had drastically changed. Before, I tolerated her friend who had a blatant crush on my best friend, but now that they were going out it sickened me to think about how Carmen could hold Spencer's hand, kiss her on the lips, touch her in all the ways I so desperately wanted to. I did the whole best friend _I'm so happy for you_ bit along with the whole best friend _If you hurt my best friend I'll rip your boobs off_ bit. _

_I knew Spencer wanted to talk to her best friend about her girlfriend. She had asked me for advice. I complied. She had talked happily about how cute Carmen had been to her. I listened. And I knew that this day would come, where Spencer would want to tell me she shared this intimate act with someone. Someone who was not me. But I was selfish for feeling hurt, really. Because I never made a move. I let her go into Carmen's arms without a fight, without any of my own loving words, without so much as a hint. _

_I took a deep, silent breath. "Oh yeah? Congratulations Spencer. You're no longer a lesbian virgin." I tried my best to sound playful. _

_Spencer laughed lightly and even in the dim room I saw her blush. "Thanks. You don't think that's too soon, right? Or late?"_

"_You're ready whenever you're ready, Spence."_

"_I was ready." She responded confidently. _

_I was trying to erase the frown on my face. "Good for you then." I knew I was supposed to ask the question. You know, _the_ question the best friend asks when they're own best friend has sex with another person for the time. I didn't want to ask the question, but I could basically hear it hanging in the air. _

"_How was it?" I asked tentatively. _

_Spencer and I never were shy about talking about sex and stuff like that. There was nothing that we couldn't talk about. But for me, this felt so different. Like I was exposing her unwillingly and I couldn't stop it. When it came down to the pure, facts of the situation, I wished two things. One, that I didn't have to know about this. And more importantly, two, that it was me that she was with. Me that showed her how much I adored her, loved her, wanted her to feel safe. I wanted her to feel safe in _my_ arms, not Carmen's. _

"_It was…really good. It was wonderful, so much better than anything I have ever experienced." Spencer said slowly, quietly. _

_I smiled gently at her. And as much as I hated this, and as much as it totally tore me apart, there was that small purely friend piece of me that was happy for my best friend. _

"_Good. I'd have to kick that chick's ass if she fucked it up for you." I told her protectively. _

_Spencer snorted and hit my arm. She turned serious again. "You know you're my best friend Ash, nothing changes that." She said strongly. _

_I nodded. "I know." _

_But I lied, I didn't know. I couldn't be sure and it was making my heart ache that I couldn't be sure. Maybe it was an illusion, Spencer slipping from my grasp. Maybe I was delusional, but that's what I felt like._

_And so the drifting started. _

_I started to visit Spencer at school less. I couldn't be around her and Carmen. Now that I knew. I _knew_. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I promptly moved myself to the city and threw myself into the New York City life. I made myself busy. When Spencer called me, I called her back days later. We got lunch sometimes. But she never came over. I met Madison and cherished having a new friend to do things with. Someone I could make new memories with. Memories that didn't make me want to let my eyes tear up and have to wipe them angrily from my face. _

_I became bitter. _

_It wasn't too hard. Spencer was insanely busy with school. All the work and the clubs and organizations she belonged to. I was busy with trying to move on, busy with drifting. _

_And so the drifting continued. _


	13. psychic reading fee one heart

When exactly is _later_?

I'll talk to you later. I'll tell you later. I'll see you later. Call me _later_? When is this later that everyone seems to know the definition of? That's what I'd like to know.

I decide during late afternoon that it is _later_. Mostly because I don't think I am able to wait any longer before calling Spencer.

"Hello?" She says nervously. I know that "hello". I've used that "hello" a million time before. It's that "hello" you say to someone on the phone questioningly, even though you are aware of exactly who is on the other line. It's what you say when you're not sure if you want to be happy about answering the call, you're not sure you wanted to pick it up in the first place.

"Hey, it's uh, Ashley." I say defeated. Defeated by that "hello."

"Hey."

There is a pause. Not too long, but just long enough for it to be kind of awkward.

"Um, what's up?" I ask because I can think of nothing else to say.

I hear Spencer let out a breathe on the other end of the line. But she doesn't say anything, "Fuck Spencer, did I call at a bad time or something?" I ask rigidly. I can't help the bitterness that seeps into every single word my mouth lets out.

"No, sorry. Um, want to just, meet for coffee or something, I don't want to talk over the phone." Spencer answers apologetically.

"Sure."

We decide to meet at the Starbucks an equal distance from both our places. It's neutral, middle ground. So I guess if either one of us decides to run we'd both have the same distance to get away. How horribly pessimistic is that?

I won't be the one running though. I can say at least that.

"_I don't really have to." Spencer said to me, sitting on her bed, fidgeting so much I thought I was going to go crazy as well._

"_Spence." _

"_I mean, I can just _pretend _for the rest of my life, right?"_

"_No."_

"_I'll do it next week." _

"_Spencer, listen to me. You have to tell your mom you're gay, okay? It'll just get harder if you keep waiting."_

"_But what if she kicks me out?" Spencer asked me in a terrified voice. She stood up and started pacing around her room. _

"_I don't think she would do that." I told, even though I wasn't too sure. _

"_Are you sure?" _

"_Um, yeah." I said slightly hesitantly. Spencer gave me a look, one that told me she knew I was lying. But it was for her benefit so she let it go. _

_Paula had asked Spencer almost every single weekend why she wasn't going out with boys since she had stopped saying yes to dates. She kept asking me who Spencer liked and what boys she was interested in. She kept asking Spencer and Glen, too. I thought it would just be best for her to come out to her mom. Easier that way. _

_I gave Spencer a warm smile at the dinner table. She was sitting right next to me, not eating her food at all. She was being quiet. Spencer was never quiet. _

"_Spencer honey, are you okay?" Paula asked her over a glass of iced tea. _

"_Mom." She said suddenly, putting her fork down. I don't even know why she was holding it, she was just twirling it in her fingers. "I have to tell you something." _

_I gave Spencer's hand a small squeeze under the table and kept eating my food. I wasn't sure how her mom was going to react. I hoped it wasn't too bad. _

"_Alright. What is it?" Paula asked her daughter concerned. Paula's eyes flashed to mine quickly, knowingly, and I looked back at her in a weird way. If someone would have just given me one more minute to figure it out, I would have laughed my ass off right then and there._

"_Well, um, I'm, I'm gay mom. You know, I like girls." Spencer said shakily, adding that last part unneccisarily and even though it was a serious moment I wanted to chuckle at her. _

"_Gay?" Paula said, looking at Spencer. "Well, that's lovely dear." _

_My eyes snapped to Paula, not sure if I heard correctly. Spencer turned to me, her mouth wide open and her eyebrows scrunched together. _

"_Mom, you heard me right. I'm a _lesbian_." Spencer repeated quite bluntly. _

_Paula smiled. "I heard you Spencer. Honey, did you think I would be mad? Honestly, I kind of thought so for a while." Paula said with a shrug._

"_Mom!" Spencer exclaimed while I chuckled at her expense. "So, you're, like, fine? I like _girls_. _Not_ boys."_

"_Spencer." Paula said with a slight chuckle. "I understand and that's perfectly fine. Boys will get you pregnant anyway, you're better off."_

_I almost chocked on my broccoli when she said that._

"_Sorry." I wheezed, shooting Spencer a grin. _

"_Um, thanks mom." Spencer said, smiling at Paula. _

_Paula nodded. "So, you girls want dessert?"_

_Spencer and I nodded gladly and Paula got up, heading to the kitchen. "Oh, Ashley? Could you just make sure Spencer doesn't go out with a skank?"_

"_Mom!" Spencer's eyes literally bugged out of her head. _

_I laughed hard and snorted loudly. "I'll make sure."_

"_Thanks Ashley." Paula said with a wink my way as she retreated into the kitchen. _

"_Holy shit." Spencer said with a shocked expression on her face when her mom was gone. _

_I shrugged. "Well that was easy." I gave Spencer a smile and took a sip of iced tea._

_I had a feeling that Paula knew something both Spencer and I didn't. _

When I get there, Spencer is already seated at a table in the back. Her head down, fingers toying with the cardboard on her coffee cup. I see her from the street, before I am even inside the shop. Her blonde hair stands out in a messy ponytail. I don't even bother ordering any coffee or any kind of drink. By the way my hands have been shaking I am sure to knock it over and cause a scene and a mess. I don't need any more messes.

I sit down across from Spencer at the small table and she still doesn't look up. When she does, her eyes are impossibly clear blue and burning right into my brown ones. I open and close my mouth to say something but decide not to.

Spencer leans back slightly in her chair and I see the smallest of small smiles creep up on her beautiful face.

"Well this isn't weird." She says sarcastically, her eyes darting around the room. Watching people come and go, order and pick up their cold or steaming drinks. Their scones.

"It could be worse."

"Yeah, how's that?"

I shrug. I wasn't really expecting to back up my statement with a legitimate reason. "I don't know."

We stare at each other for a little while longer.

"Should we like, recount the events?" Spencer asks timidly, shyly almost. Totally serious.

I can't help but smirk a little. "It's not a project, Spencer." I spit out.

"Right." She nods. It's cute, she's blushing. "You're right, sorry."

"We had sex." I gulp, thinking it would have been easier to for me to say those words. "No big deal." No wait, thinking it would have been easier for me to say _those_ words.

"You're lying." Spencer states the obvious.

"I'm lying. It was a huge fucking deal." I tap my fingers on the table, not knowing what to say, so the next thing just flies out of my mouth for no apparent reason at all. "You started it."

Spencer's mouth drops and she makes a gasping sound. "_You _started it. You kissed me."

"You came back." I counter.

Spencer scoffs. "But really, did you think I was not going to? Come on."

"No! I thought you made it pretty clear." I tell her in a hushed tone even though there is no need for it. "Fine, you know what. I know what you're thinking."

Spencer locks her eyes on mine again and I feel my face burn. I might need sun tan lotion. "Oh yeah? Tell me psychic."

I squint my eyes at her. "You're thinking it was a mistake. And you have a _girl_friend, you cheated on your girlfriend which you're all terribly torn up about. Cheating is bad yeah, blah blah blah. You're thinking we're gunna be so weird now because we had sex, really good, really fucking amazing sex. You're mad because I should have stopped it sure, but you should have stopped it too and you're mad at yourself." I end my rant and look back at her. Her face is expressionless. She's just watching me.

Spencer scratches the top of her head. "You're confusing what I should be thinking and what I actually am thinking, Ashley."

"What?"

"Yes, I cheated on my girlfriend. On Carmen who I've been with for almost two years. That's a long time. It was messed up and shouldn't have happened. Obviously. And I _should have_ stopped it. If anyone were to stop it, it should have been me, but I didn't."

"Uh huh." I breathe out, my heart aching a little bit. The words sound different coming from her mouth compared to coming from my own.

"All those things you said are what I _should_ be thinking." I look back to her. "But what I am actually thinking, _all_ I am thinking, Ash, is- just how badly I want to kiss you again. Since the second I left your apartment."

"Oh." I state slowly. I wasn't expecting that. "That's what you're thinking?"

"That's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking it is getting harder by the second to not kiss you and Jesus, I'm thinking I want you to kiss me back."

"Spencer?" I ask, my eyes still on her face, roaming around it freely. They go to her lips.

"Yeah?" She says quietly.

"I'm thinking that too." I tell her.

"I'm really, really glad."

I want my next sentence to be "Want to get out of here?" But I don't say it because out loud, it would sound too cheesy and so overtly sexual. And I don't want it to sound that way. Even though that is exactly how I mean it as Spencer and I just continue to stare at each other. I try to think of better ways to say it.

"Can we leave now?" Spencer asks quietly and I think that that is the perfect way to say it.

I just nod and we exit Starbucks. We don't talk as we walk faster than normal back to my apartment. And I don't dare glance over at Spence by my side because if I did I would end up ripping her clothes off in the middle of the street. Public sex is fun but not like that. And not with a ticket and fine for public indiscretion. I don't say anything still as we climb the stairs to my apartment many floors up because I'm scared if I do then this might not be real. If I do say something, it will dawn on me that this shouldn't happen. Not again. That this is not exactly right, as much as I want it to be.

So I don't say anything.

But I have to make sure. I have to be sure. Right before we get to my door I push Spencer against the wall forcefully and step into her personal space, totally disregarding any boundaries she might have. I take her hands in mine, thread the fingers together, and lift them over her head, with little struggle from Spencer. My nose is touching hers. I know that we're both breathing heavily as I look into her eyes for signs that she is _sure_. Because I can't do this if she's not. Her eyes are dark blue and they're staring intently at mine while her lips are parted so she can breathe easier.

I breathe jaggedly on her cheek and drag my lips lightly down her jaw line and to the other side of her face. I feel Spencer try and free her hands but I don't allow her to. My lips meet her neck and I hear the smallest of moans come from her mouth. Like she didn't want to let it escape. But it betrayed her.

"You're beautiful." I groan against the flesh of her exposed neck. "You're so beautiful."

"Ash." Spencer pants slightly. I bring my mouth to her ear and trace the outline of it with my tongue, earning a groan from the blonde trapped against the hard wall and my hot body.

I bring my face back directly in front of hers and rest my forehead against her own. "Yeah."

"Will you kiss me now please." She says to me, breath on my lips, body curved into mine.

I don't use words as an answer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ashley?"

I open my eyes at the sound of my name coming from Spencer's mouth. It's right next to me and I'm now staring into blue eyes hovering above me.

"Hi."

Spencer smiles warmly at me and brings her nose to rub my cheek. I realize I'm laying in bed and she's standing next to my bed. "I have to go."

Her nose continues to trace my jaw line as I try to speak in verbal form. You know, with words. "Why?"

"I have a night class." She whispers to my mouth.

I bring my hands to smooth over her neck and up into her hair. Spencer sighs at the feeling and I smile at her. Her blue eyes twinkling back at me.

"Okay." I say lightly.

Spencer's lips are now on my ear as she says: "You're wonderful, you know that?"

I close my eyes and tug her hair a little. "No."

"Well, you are." She whispers softly against my lips right before she kisses me. With care.

We don't say any more words to each other before Spencer leaves. And when she does, I sink lower into my bed and close my eyes. Wishing she were right next to me sleeping peacefully.

The same wish I've had for years.


	14. a slip of the tongue

**Hi friends. I hope you like :) Leave me some loooove. **

Have you ever experienced something that was so terribly wrong in every single aspect? Morally, it's just not right. People are going to get hurt, people are going to cry. Hearts will surely be broken. Emotionally, a toll is being taken on your most vital organ. So much has happened in so little time even though it took you years to get here. And now that you're actually _here_, in the present. You have no idea what to do. Mentally, you're going insane. You are so very sure of this. Physically, well. Actually physically there is _nothing_ wrong with it.

Right now, I am suffering. Suffering because of a couple of different reasons. One is that I have not spoken to Spencer in almost three days. She's been busy with school and other things, other things like Carmen. Ugh. And two is that my mother is making Kyla and I go look at the Public Library with her, where her wedding will be held. I love that library, and I hate that my mother is going to forever taint it with her wedding bullshit. Reason one ties into reason two when Spencer is going to be there as well. With Carmen.

"Whaaaaat?" I groan into my intercom.

"Let me in!" Kyla screeches through the little plastic box in my wall. I buzz her up.

"I'm freakin' out man!" Kyla says as she barges into my apartment.

I continue to strum my guitar as I laugh at her. "Wait, wait. Did you just say _man_?"

Kyla glares at me and paces around in front of me. "Yes, I told you, I'm freaking out. Christine, Jesus Christ on a bicycle, she keeps calling me. Calling me! Telling me to do things, requesting things."

"She's a psycho." I say calmly as I keep playing, sitting cross-legged on my ottoman. Ottoman, what a strange but lovely word.

"She's _your_ mother, why isn't she bombarding you?"

I frown slightly and answer Kyla. "Well, she thinks I'm useless and illiterate, I'm pretty sure."

"I wish _I_ were useless and illiterate." Kyla grumbles as she slouches on my couch.

I chuckle. "Kyla, but you _are_. Just not as much as me, apparently."

Kyla throws a pillow at me. "At least this will be over soon."

"Thank God, or whoever." I tell her.

"Have you talked to Spencer?" Kyla asks me.

My eyes move around the room. "I, uh, no, not recently, why?"

"Because!" Kyla exclaims too loudly again. "She said she would help me with the flowers! Why haven't you talked to her, I thought you two were good now?"

"Oh." I play with the pick in my hands. "We are, I just haven't spoken to her in…what?" I trail off and ask Kyla because she's staring at me with her squinty eyes. "What?" I repeat.

"What happened."

"Uh, what?" I say more quietly.

_Fuck_, I wish I were better at lying.

"Ashley! What happened?"

I exhale a breathe. "Nothing happened, God."

Kyla stands up and points a finger at me. "Something happened." I stay quiet. "Fine, don't tell me. But she's coming with Carmen and I need you to help me."

I roll my eyes at the mention of Carmen's stupid name. It's all I can do stop myself from crying right then and there. "I will Ky, I promise."

"Good. Anyway, I better go, Glen has problems picking out clothes." She says as she heads towards the door. "And Ashley?"

"Yes Kyla?" I answer in a mocking tone, meeting her eyes.

"I know what you're not telling me. I'll be there the whole time for you, if you need me." Her eyes are warm and she gives me a smile. I only nod, overcome with emotion that I just don't want to be feeling right now. Kyla leaves and I continue to strum my guitar. Thinking of how much I really do love my half-sister.

It's about time we left that limbo.

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"I'm living out my _Sex and the City_ fantasy!" My mother exclaims like a fool while twirling around the upstairs of the library.

"Let's hope Big Donald actually shows up." I mutter bitterly under my breathe. Kyla gives me a glare.

"What was that Ashley, dear?"

"I said, when is Donald going to show up?" I cover my snide remark.

"Oh." My mother answers with a giant, cheesy smile. "He should be here soon."

My mother is running around with the florist and the caterers and all those people. Planning out the perfect wedding she believes she will have. I wonder if she thinks it will be her last. I personally hope so.

Weddings make me think. I think, every time my mother gets married, if and when I will get married. I guess I technically can't, unless I move to Vermont. It was going to be California, which I would absolutely love, but apparently not anymore. I don't even know if I want to get married. Sometimes I think marriage is just a piece of paper. Marriage is not love. More than that, I want to be happy. I think everyone does. I don't care if I get married or if I sign a piece of paper, I just wonder if I will be with the one I love. This train of thought brings me somewhere.

I just want to be with Spencer. God, I just want to _be_ with her.

I don't think I care about much else.

As my mother chats away with some 'very important' people, I turn to Kyla.

"Do you think you and Glen are going to get married?" I ask her.

Kyla meets my eyes. "I don't know." She looks up at the ceiling for a second. "I'm young, you know. There's so much I want to do. I don't want to be that person that is defined by marriage."

I nod. "I understand."

"I do love Glen. But right now I'd like to just enjoy that."

I smile at my half-sister. "I really like you, Kyla." I tell her with a goofy smile on my face.

Kyla's face brightens are her eyes are warm and loving. "I really like you too, Ash." We stand in a peaceful quiet, aside from my mother's loud voice, for a few minutes. "You know, if Glen and I got married that would make Spencer your," Kyla puts her finger up in the air like she's trying to solve a difficult math equation, "your uh, second step sister-in-law. Or something."

"Interesting."

Kyla shrugs.

"Hello ladies." Donald's deep voice says, coming up from behind us.

"Hi Donald." Kyla and I say at the same time.

"Christine is over there." Kyla says with a smile.

Donald is dressed in khakis, a green polo, and a light jacket. I feel like he just stepped off of a yacht. Or out of a J. Crew catalogue. He's carrying a brown briefcase. Kind of like one of those that looks like it has stacks of hundred-dollar bills in it. It might.

"Oh, there's Spencer and Carmen. Hey!" Kyla yells as they walk over to us. They're hand in hand and already I feel like I'm going to have to take lots of deep breaths in preparation for passing out.

I tried not to think about seeing them together. And what that might feel like. I tried to let it not consume me. It didn't work. I'm still cracking in half inside. My skin is boiling over with a mixture of anger and pure despair.

"Hey guys." Carmen says with an easy smile to me and Kyla. I want to crack her teeth on the curb outside.

Spencer's eyes meet mine, and although she's giving me a tight-lipped smile hello, her eyes are bright and they're saying things to me that she can't verbally express.

"Hey." I try and say evenly, I think I fool them.

Spencer's tight jeans and V-neck long-sleeve shirt are distracting me from the conversation the other three are engaging in. Something about flowers. I quickly wonder why Carmen needs to be here. She doesn't need to be. And really, neither does Spencer. Kyla doesn't need _that_ much help with the flowers.

"You excited?" Carmen asks Kyla and I. I know Kyla rolls her eyes.

"Um, no." I say blandly. "The excitement ended after the third wedding."

"That sucks. At least you can just get drunk." Carmen says with a slight laugh. And I hate that she's being nice and understanding. I need more reasons to loathe her. Although maybe her being with Spencer is enough.

I give Carmen a fake smile. "Yeah."

"Hey Carmen, you wanna give me a quick hand with these?" Kyla asks, pointing to some flowers on a table to the side of us.

Carmen nods. "Yeah, no problem."

Kyla gives me a quick glance as she walks away with Carmen and flowers in tow.

I meet Spencer's eyes and I want to move closer to her but I don't.

"Hey." Is all I can say.

"Hi." Spencer pauses and her eyes look almost sad. "Ash, I'm s-"

"Don't." I interrupt her, shaking my head vigorously. "You don't need to."

"But-"

"No, just, please don't?" I'm almost pleading now, but I don't care. Spencer just nods her head.

"So, how are you?" She asks, picking at her nails.

"I'm alright. I got like, three new kids who want guitar lessons." I tell her for no reason. I just need things to say that will stop me from kissing her.

"Oh yeah? That's great. I hope they don't throw up on you like that one kid."

I sincerely laugh. "Me too."

I try to keep my eyes from drifting to her lips. They keep moving down but I catch them every time. I will not be vulnerable.

"You look really nice." I say quietly.

"I'm just wearing a shirt." Spencer answers, here eyes on mine. Deep blue.

"Well, you look really nice in that shirt."

"Thanks." Spencer whispers like it's a secret or something. Like I'm not supposed to be complimenting her nice shirt. Like it's forbidden.

_Is it?_

"How's school?" I ask more questions. Just keep asking more questions, Ashley.

Spencer closes her eyes and then opens them back up. "I could tell you about it in the bathroom?" She suggests.

I know I shouldn't. It's so wrong on so many levels. So, so many levels.

"That bathroom is a good place for conversations." I say robotically, moving forward as I say it.

"Yeah no, I think so too." Spencer says hurriedly, leading me downstairs.

I don't know why I say what I say next. "It's really nice when bathrooms have those like, warm towels and stuff."

Spencer gives me a weird look and an adorable smile. "And those mints."

"They're awesome." I respond as we enter through the door, one body right after the other.

The second the door is closed my mouth is on Spencer's and I hear her gasp a little before falling into my body. I kiss her and kiss away all the anger and sadness I was feeling before. I'm trying to tell her with my rough kiss. Spencer pulls the hem of my shirt towards her more as her own mouth deepens the kiss. I find my back pressed up against a wall in the back of the bathroom.

"Spence." I moan as her lips move to my neck. She slows down our energy by slowly kissing and licking my neck, moving to my sensitive collarbone. My hands find their way to her back pockets and I feel her groan into my skin.

Spencer's mouth comes slowly back up to mine as my hand parallels up her shirt. "You feel so soft." She mumbles into my mouth.

My head is spinning and I am totally and completely delusional. Her lips make my mind scatter and my body ache and throb all over.

"Break up with Carmen." I say into her mouth before I can stop myself.

Spencer pulls her mouth away from mine and opens her eyes. Blue washing over brown. "What?"

"I-" I don't know what to say and I'm not sure if what I just said is bad or not. "You heard me."

Spencer keeps looking at me and I know what she's going to say before her mouth even opens. Her hands are still in my hair and mine are still inside her nice shirt. "I can't."

My chest is moving up and down and my heart kind of hurts with all the pounding. "Why."

"Ashley." Spencer lets go of me and takes a very tiny step backwards. "I just- can't do that right now."

I take a deep, hurtful breath. It's kind of like breathing in shards of glass. I take a step away from the wall and head towards the door. "Then I can't do this with you."

"_Spencer!" I yelled across the quad. "Spencer come back here!" Spencer was moving fast towards the parking lot. I had to jog to catch up to her. She had been ignoring me all day, giving me angry faces, not answering my words or questions. I was sick of it, I had no idea what I did. _

"_Spencer, would you just, slow the hell down?" I wheezed out, clutching my side. I really had to quit smoking. I grabbed her wrist right by the car, turning her around. _

"_What?"_

"_Don't what me! What is wrong with you, what did I do?" I asked her sincerely. _

_Spencer's face hardened. Her blue eyes were flaming. "You ditched me." _

_I sighed, not understanding. "What the hell are you talking about? I didn't ditch you."_

"_Yes you did!" Spencer said loudly right in my face. "You ditched me for _her_." _

_I thought back to last night. Which is what she must have been talking about. I had gone out on a semi-date with this girl who I wasn't sure I liked or not. We had been "hanging out" a couple of times. _

"_Spencer. I told you I was hanging out with Cassie."_

"_No you didn't." Spencer spat angrily. _

"_Yes I did! Oh my God, I told you on Saturday. Remember?" I said to her. I swear I told her. _

"_No you didn't Ashley. We were supposed to go to the movies." Spencer said, her voice calming down just a small bit. _

_I tried my hardest to choke back the smile that was coming up on my face. "Spencer. That's next weekend. Remember? I told you at Wendy's on Saturday that I was hanging out with Cassie, and then you said you wanted to go see that movie about killing the cows because Cassie reminds you of a cow's name? And then I said yeah, next weekend so then we can see the other one about the cartoon fish right after because it opens next weekend?" I said slowly to Spencer. Her face twisted around, eyebrows scrunching, trying to remember. Her eyes snapped back to mine with realization. _

"_Oh." Is all she said. _

_I smirked. "You were wrong." _

_Spencer crossed her arms over her chest and looked away from me. I poked her stomach. "Say it." _

"_No Ash." _

"_Spencer, tell me you were wrong. Come on, say it."_

_Spencer mumbled something unintelligible. Something that sounded like _I was wrong_. "What was that Spence?"_

"_I was wrong!" Spencer yelled, throwing her hands up. "Fine. I'm sorry. I got confused." _

_I chuckled. "You're a douchebag, you know that?" _

"_I still don't like her. She's stupid. She asked me how to spell _orange_."_

_I snorted. "She's kind of, um, not too clever." _

"_She's dumb, Ashley. You want to go out with a dumb girl?" Spencer said with a small smile on her face. I shrugged. "Can you, just, not hang out with her as much? I don't want you to get stupid, you know?" _

_I met Spencer's eyes. "I can do that." _

_I didn't like that girl much anyway and to be honest, I'd rather hang out with Spencer. I didn't care who she wanted me to drop. Other people paled in comparison to Spencer. And they always would. _

My face is flushed with a mixture or arousal, anger, and confusion as I exit the bathroom. That memory just reminds me that I would have dropped anyone for that girl. I would have done anything for her. I rub my hands on my temples and try to sort out this mess.

Of course, a girlfriend of almost two years is more serious than some girl I met at the mall. Right? I cannot compare those two situations. But I can't keep seeing Spencer with Carmen and then secretly being with Spencer. I need _all_ of Spencer. My heart rips to shreads at the thought of Carmen touching her like I do, kissing her. And my jealousy flares when I see that Carmen is allowed to hold her hand in public. To kiss her cheek on park benches.

My eyes are welling up as I walk up the steps so I wipe them roughly.

What kind of disaster have I created? I am one thousand different shades of mad, but I was the one who pushed her away in the first place. It was _me_ who didn't do anything. I don't know who to blame here. I don't know what to do here. I just know I love Spencer.

"Where were you? I need your to help with this table." Kyla asks me hurriedly, pushing me towards the side of the room.

"Sorry." I mumble. "I had to pee."

"Where's Spencer?" She asks, her eyes roaming over my shoulder and around the room.

I sigh and pick up one end of the table.

"I have no idea where Spencer is."

_No idea._

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**Note: I mean no offense at all to anyone named Cassie. I swear, I just needed a random name, and obviously Spencer wouldn't have liked the girl no matter what her name was. Ya know? :)**


	15. not living in fantasy land

**Thank you for all the wonderful reviews, and for everyone else who read and favorite-d and things like that :)**

I leave the library and head straight to Madison's apartment. I just need to be around her right now. For reasons that I can't even comprehend. I need her to tell me it will be fine and _of course_ Spencer will come around. Does that mean I need to be lied to?

"Hey, it's me." I breathe harshly into the intercom.

"Ash? I thought you were helping your mom?" Madison's voice floods through the intercom and out into the street. It's loud, too loud than necessary and it _almost_ makes me smile for a second.

"Yeah, I was, can I just come up?" There is desperation in my voice. And I know Madison can hear it because the buzzer sounds and I open the door and jog up the steps.

"Hey." I say to Madison when she opens the door.

She opens the door wider to allow me to step in. "What's up? I thought you had to stay and help Kyla with shit?"

I walk around her couch in circles. Taking her overly bright apartment. The rug is bright blue and her couch is some weird yellow color. Maybe this wasn't the greatest place to come to.

"I did. I left." I rush out shakily. Madison walks over to me and grips my shoulders. Her eyes have concern in them and I momentarily relax.

"Ashley. You're shaking. What happened?" She asks me in a calm, soothing voice.

I glance to the side. "I asked Spencer to break up with Carmen." I speak quietly.

"You what?"

"I asked her to break up with her." I repeat. The words sound funny coming out of my mouth over and over again. I don't like them.

I hate those words.

"When."

I take in a deep breath and look her in the eyes. I almost smirk when I see that one eye has heavy eyeliner and the other doesn't. Like a weird looking raccoon. "While I was hooking up with her in the bathroom."

Madison lets go of my shoulders. "What! I thought Carmen was there?" She waves her arms around and paces over to the couch.

I sigh. And try to shake the feeling of dirtiness off me. "She was."

Madison lets out an exaggerated whistle. "Geez." She plops down on the couch but I don't move. "What did she say?"

I tap my fingers against my thighs. "She said she can't. I mean what's she doing hooking up with me while she still has a girlfriend? Like, that's so messed up Mad, I-"

"Ashley." Madison interrupts me. "There's two of you. I don't want to be bitter or the Debbie Downer or whatever, but you could have stopped it too."

I sit down on the couch next to her. And close my eyes before I speak. "I know. I know. I'm just so torn between- wanting to have her to myself, all to myself. And on the other hand not caring how I have her as long as I get to have some part of her."

Madison rubs my back a little. I feel like I should be crying here but I'm not. My throat is kind of dry and that's about it. Is that abnormal?

"She's not going to keep cheating on Carmen with you. That's just not how it works Ash." Madison says evenly.

"I guess."

Madison chuckles. "It's not a guess. Does she know you want to be with her?"

I give her an unnecessarily mean glare. "I think she got that when I told her to break up with her girlfriend."

"Right." Madison leans back. "You have to talk to her."

I furrow my eyebrows and scrunch my forehead. "I don't want to."

"Don't be a frickin' baby. We're not in Kindergarten."

I cross my arms over my chest. I should know by now that Madison is always right. Except this time, I'm not so sure I want her to be. I don't want to go talk to her or have to work this out. I want it to be like that fantasy that you always have. Where things just happen and they're good and wonderful and you can't believe you even got that lucky. But things don't work like that. And they probably never will.

"Yeah." I sigh and lean my head back on the couch.

"But Ash, at least you did something, right? It was late, but better late than never. And it took courage to not let her leave in the first place."

"Thanks." I say weakly and chuckle a bit. "Since when did you become the voice of reason?"

Madison props her feet up. "I'm just philosophical like that."

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I walk home slowly, dragging my feel over the hard sidewalk. I try to not step on the crack. My mother is a witch but I'd feel shitty if her back broke, I guess.

"_Jesus Ashley." My mother said to me, holding up a paper. "Just because you're a senior doesn't mean you can get D's."_

"_I'm sorry, that class was really hard. No one got a good grade." I said in a defeated tone. Sometimes my mother made me feel so inept. It made me incredibly angry and upset at the same time._

_My mother scoffed. "I bet Spencer didn't get a D."_

_I rolled my eyes. My mother loved Spencer. To her, she was the perfect child, the only good thing in my life, which was fairly accurate, but still. She thought Spencer was the only reason I wasn't a drugged out alcoholic like my father used to be. To her, Spencer wasn't the gay daughter whose only good quality was that she could play the guitar well. But to her, that would never get me anywhere. She always told me that. Of course, she had no idea Spencer was gay._

"_Hey." Spencer's voice floated in loudly from the front of the house. She walked into my kitchen and gave my mother a smile._

"_Hi Spencer dear. How are you?" My mother asked her with a reciprocating smile. _

_Spencer nodded. "Good."_

"_You didn't get any D's did you? I'm sure you didn't. Tell Ashley to do her homework." My mother spit out. It was supposed to come out jokingly but I could hear her words dripping with disdain. Maybe I was the only one. _

"_Ashley is a smart girl." Spencer said, giving me a smile._

"_Well, let's see some proof." My mother answered, leaving the kitchen with a _"I'll see you girls later."

"_God." I whined, sitting down on a stool by the island. "She's such a bitch, All she does is give me shit. I only got one D and all A's and all she can focus on is that one D? Seriously?" _

_Spencer's eyes were looking intently at me and she had a frown on her face. I waited a minute for her to tell me to be nice to my mom. To focus on the good things. _

"_What?" I laughed slightly. "Aren't you gunna tell me to _be nice_ or _don't take it too bad_?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows. _

_Spencer shook her head. "No. Your mom makes you feel shitty, and I don't like people who make you feel shitty." She said simply. _

_I looked at her and smiled. Spencer sat down next to me and I touched her knee lightly with one finger. "You're wonderful, you know that?"_

_Spencer's head looked up from where my finger was on her jeans to my eyes. "No."_

"_Well you are." I told her. Spencer shrugged. "So, did you get a D?"_

_Spencer smiled sheepishly. "No." She chuckled._

"_Of course not."_

_I took my hand away and read over my report card, swiveling my chair back and forth. I glanced back at Spencer and she was just looking into space. "I love you Spence." I told her randomly. _

_Spencer grinned at me and blinked. "Ash I love you too. But you know that." _

"Spencer?" I question as I see the blue-eyed blonde beauty sitting on the steps to my building.

She stands up with my sweatshirt in her hands. Her fingers are running over it and her eyes are not meeting mine. They're frantically looking around the pavement. I guess searching for words.

"You forgot this." She finally says, looking at me.

"Right." I say evenly, not moving towards her yet. "Thanks."

She holds the sweatshirt out for me and I take it from her grasp, only moving close enough to reach it. "Yeah."

There is a deafening silence.

Spencer sighs. "Obviously I didn't come here to just give you your sweatshirt." She states bluntly.

"No?"

"Come on Ashley. Don't pretend."

I feel anger course through me. I don't know why but I don't like being told I'm pretending. Because for once, that is the one thing I am _not_ doing.

"I'm not."

Spencer sits back down and I sit next to her. But on the other side of the step so there is a good amount of space between us. "Look." She starts, her heading straight forward. "I'm sorry for everything. I just want my best friend back."

And my heart breaks.

"Friend?" I ask.

"I miss us, I miss you. I need my best friend Ashley."

That one word has the ability to tear violently at my heart. At my chest. I don't want to be Spencer's friend. I don't want to be her best friend and only that. The person she talks about other people to. The person she asks advice about girlfriends for. I want to be her best friend _and_ her girlfriend, the one she is with. I feel greedy and I wish I weren't. But I can't help it.

"I want that too." I tell her, not really lying but not being totally truthful. I know I need some part of her, no matter what that part. It might be painful but it's better than being numb without her.

Right?

"So can we just, do that?" She asks, finally turning her head to me.

This is so surreal. It's like this whole last week never happened. I wonder if Spencer wants to kiss me just as bad as I want to kiss her right now. I wonder if she has the same urge to just touch in some way. Have any kind of contact. I wonder how she can just think everything that happened can be fixed by being _friends_. I feel as if I have no other options.

"Yeah." I say quietly to her. Her blue eyes have hope in them

"Okay." She says as she gets up. "Um, I have to go…" She trails off and she has no need to say the rest because I know what the rest is. The words _Carmen is waiting_ are hanging in the air like a bubble. I want nothing more than to pop that bubble and make it explode and disappear.

"Alright. Well, see you later." I use that _later_ and I hate myself for it the second it comes out of my mouth. My mouth that is too confused to say anything else.

"Call me sometime this week?" She asks, her eyes a little dull and not as bright as usual. I want to think they're dull because she's leaving me and has to go to Carmen. Her _girl_friend. But that's just wishful thinking.

I just nod and turn to go inside to my empty apartment. The steps going up are creaky and I understand just how they feel.


	16. move in circles, move in fear

**Enjoy :)  


* * *

I don't know why I put that line there. It just looks nice I think. **

This whole _friends_ thing is slightly odd. I think you can understand. Being friends with Spencer before was bearable torture when she had no idea how I felt and I had no idea _if_ she felt. But now, now that this thing, whatever it was- sex, making love, confessions of a broken and hurting heart, cheating on a girlfriend- is everywhere around us. How do you go from one to the other and back again? Obviously, it's difficult and partially awkward. However, it's not totally heart breaking. More like heart aching.

"What movie?" Spencer asks me from my cabinet full of films I had acquired over the years. Birthday presents, free ones, Christmas presents, just-because presents, ones I bought myself, that one copy of _The Brave Little Toaster _I stole. What? I wasn't about to actually pay for that.

I called Spencer later in the week, like she requested and we decided to just hang out. Like we always used to do. Yes, there is that thumping in my heart, my eyes are lingering for more time than appropriate, a small handful of slightly awkward silences, shy smiles. But there are also all the old, wonderful things. Her presence, the jokes and laughing, the cute teasing banter, the comfortableness. Even after being together intimately we are comfortable together. That fact right there just further propels the thought of us being made for each other to the front of my mind. If you can survive those things with your best friend than what can't you do?

"I don't know, you pick." I tell her from the kitchen where I am getting drinks together. There is no doubt I'll need a beer. Really, a shot to calm my nerves would be better but I'm not about to get drunk right now.

I walk back into the living room and set everything on the coffee table. I take a seat on the couch and wait for Spencer to pick. She's wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. She looks comfortable and so snuggly that I have to look away. I put my arms behind my head and silently wait.

Spencer turns around with a sly grin on her face, holding up _The Devil's Rejects_. We both have a thing for Rob Zombie. And appropriately so, because he's the shit.

"_I hope he doesn't fuck it up." Spencer said, taking a seat on the couch in my old house._

_I scoffed. "He's _Rob Zombie_, he doesn't fuck anything up. He makes everything better." I told her, holding a copy of his remade _Halloween_ in my hands. _

"_True." Spencer giggled, making herself comfortable. _

_I put in the DVD and go sit next to her. Then, I didn't have to measure my distance from her. I just sat down where I thought it would be most comfortable. I sat down without a second thought as to whether it would be weird being so close. Or strange because the couch was so big. I just sat freely. A privilege you don't fully appreciate until it's gone. _

"_You're gunna get scared." Spencer stated, giving me a glance from the corner of her eye._

"_Nuh uh."_

"_Uh, yeah."_

_I gave Spencer a playful punch and she reciprocated. After a minute our actions had caused us to become closer than necessary. Neither of us pulled away, enjoying the comfort of each other in the dark room with the scary movie playing. _

_Spencer is proven right when I started to get creeped out early on. It didn't matter that I've seen this movie a million times before. It's still freaky. And I found myself inching closer and closer to Spencer on the couch as time went by. _

"_Told you." Spencer whispered to me with a slight snort. _

"_I'm not scared, I'm just _preparing_." I countered, never being able to tell her I was scared. My words were said from her shoulder, where I was effectively hiding so they were muffled._

_Spencer pulled my shirt closer to her and the hand that was tracing shapes on my knee soothed me in only the way that she could. My face turned into her shoulder when something significantly scary happened and without even thinking about it I bit down on her shoulder to stifle my, what would have been, girly scream. _

_"Oooow." She exaggerated. Her shoulders started to shake a little with laughter, probably at me. _

"_Shut up Spencer." I said meanly, gripping my hand around her stomach more tightly. _

"_You are so much more of a baby than everyone thinks." She chuckled, her hand coming to smooth the skin at the back of my neck. I outwardly shivered, there was no way to stop it. Sometimes I thought I put myself in these situations just to be close. Just to have that one moment of her hands on me without feeling guilty or weird. Just to enjoy it. And when I say enjoy, I mean sit in the torture it was to not be able to do anything. It was so cliché, the whole scary movie thing. But life is full of clichés. Clichés are clichés for a reason. _

"_No." I said weakly. I couldn't form a better, fuller response to her jab with her fingers absentmindedly playing with my hair. I timed it perfectly, so when something creepy happened on screen I groaned slash moaned in real life at her touch, but pretending it was from the movie. _

_Just because I was head-over-heels didn't mean I wasn't smart. _

"Too scary for you?" Spencer asks me with a glint of mischief in her blue eyes.

"Pshh. No." I tell her. Lying just a tad.

"Good." Spencer puts in the DVD and I see her falter for a short second before sitting down. Most people wouldn't have noticed it. But most people haven't been best friends with a person, been intimate with them, and then started over again. Her hesitancy to come sit down next to me makes me frown and I look away. Wanting this moment of weirdness to pass so the comfortableness can come back swiftly. She doesn't sit very close to me. She sits a respectable amount of space away but not so much as to make a big deal.

And I instantly loathe myself for analyzing how far away she's sitting.

"Don't pee your pants Ash." Spencer says to me and I chuckle back.

"I'll _try_." I say sarcastically.

I take a sip of my beer as the movie starts and slouch down on the couch.

The drifting was inevitable, we all know that. This time, I mean the drifting I did towards Spencer as the movie kept playing and I get increasingly jumpy. I have no idea if Spencer got closer to me as well, but it doesn't matter. And then I get scared and I'm in her lap. I don't remember getting there, but I'm there. Legs on either side of hers, face in her neck.

There is no other contact beside myself on Spencer.

"Is that part over?" I murmur from the crook of her neck, where her shoulder meets her soft neck.

I feel more than I hear Spencer chuckle. I feel her arms come around me and rub my back in slow ministrations. I feel it calm me down and I feel myself just breathe.

"Yeah." Spencer says quietly.

And then I realize that I'm straddling Spencer, on top of her, my face almost touching her skin. I inwardly curse myself for this because it's kind of awkward. But the reaction was a reflex and it couldn't have been stopped even if there were a whole couch between us. A whole anything.

"You, you should probably get off." Spencer says softly to me, but her hands don't leave from around me. They're a constant.

"Oh." I say and bring my face to look at her, away from her neck. It's closer to her own than I thought it would be. "Yeah, I'm sorry." I tell her softly, keeping my eyes on hers. Not daring to move them anywhere else.

We're both breathing heavily, the rise and fall of our chests from each breath is obvious. Spencer's hands are on the small of my back now, tracing the line right above my jeans. My skin is metaphorically on fire when she speaks: "It's okay."

We're just looking at each other and because it is so blatantly obvious that we're going to kiss, we don't yet. We leave it for a minute while I straddle her on my couch. I didn't mean for it to start in a sexual way but that's how it ended up. And I know I should get off of her and save myself any heartbreak that is bound to come from this. But I don't move. It wouldn't feel right to move. She's warm. And soft. And I like it here better than most other places.

"I told you, you were gunna pee your pants." Spencer mumbles as I boldly bring my lips to her forehead. Giving her a soft, affectionate kiss there. My hands comb through her hair and with that action Spencer's pull me closer to her. Impossibly closer.

"I didn't. And you should be glad I didn't." I murmur, my breath on her cheek.

Spencer laughs a little bit. Her fingers slide in the waist of my pants and thumbs massage the, what I hope is, soft skin on my lower back. My eyes close at the sensation, my hard, short breaths still on her blushed and red cheek. My hands fall to her shoulders, gripping the material of her t-shirt more roughly than is needed to.

All of this should be the most painful torture I have ever experienced. But it's not. Because I'm just _feeling_ Spencer and I don't want anything else. Our lips don't have to be connected for me to revel in the sensation that is purely _her_.

I whimper at the feel of feather-light lips on my jaw. And that is when I feel it. The one, searing hot tear that escapes my stubborn eyes and travels down my face. I don't even have any time to angrily wipe it away before Spencer's face is back in front of mine.

"Hey." She says softly. Her lips come to where the tear is, next to my nose, and she kisses it. That act allows a small sob to come out of me. Because I can't do this. I can't be here with Spencer and not have a clean conscious. Because I want this to happen _all_ the time. Not just times when we're pretending to be best friends again. And I realize that we never, ever can.

I feel too much.

I close my eyes because I can't look at her. I feel stupid and pathetic and so entirely fulfilled all at the same time.

"Ashley." Spencer's voice croaks softly. I feel her kiss my cheek warmly. Lips resting there afterwards.

I open my eyes and am surprised when they're blurry. My tears betraying any type of bravery I thought I was enforcing. "I'm sorry, I can't do this with you Spencer." I say quietly. _This friendship_.

Spencer's blue eyes are insanely clear and beautiful. "Ash." Is all she says.

I shake my head. "I love you." I finally, _finally_ tell her. "I _love_ you, and I need you, but not just part of you." I say, my eyes down.

Spencer pulls my face up with a hand that was previously on my back, under my shirt. That hand then rests on my chest, over my heart. "I want you Ashley."

And I don't know what exactly that means or if it is what I want, need to hear. But I just nod. And then Spencer kisses my lips softly, almost like she's afraid I'll crack in half any second.

Maybe she is afraid. Maybe we both are.

One small kiss and then my buzzer sounds. I literally jump off of Spencer to go see who it is. Never mind that my heart is racing. Never mind that maybe I was happy for the interruption. Never mind that I can't stop the small tears streaming down my face. I rub my face and take a breath.

"Yeah?" I ask into the intercom.

"Hey it's me." Aiden says.

"Okay." I buzz him up and wait standing at my door. I find it impossible to turn back to Spencer who is still sitting on my couch.

"Hey Ash." Aiden says as he walks through the door. And then a girl follows behind him. She's got red-hair and green eyes and looks really short next to the tall Aiden. "This is Kate."

Kate gives me a smile and I shake her hand. "Hi, nice to meet you, Aiden's said good things about you." I tell her.

"Oh yeah?" She turns to Aiden and gives him a smile. "That's a relief."

I smile a bit. "What are you guys doing here?"

"Oh, we were in the neighborhood and I thought I'd come ask you where that rest- oh, hey Spencer." Aiden interrupts himself and apparently Spencer has gotten up now. Aiden gives me a quizzical look.

"Hey." She says, giving Aiden a smile and Kate the same smile.

"Oh, is this your girlfriend?" Kate asks curiously. Obviously he has some of the facts messed up, from whatever Aiden has told her.

I can't help the snort that comes out of me from the pure irony of her words. Because that was like taking a bullet.

"No." I tell her. "What restaurant, Aid?"

"Oh." He says, tearing his eyes away form Spencer and bringing them back to me. "Um, that really good one in Little Italy."

"Yeah, it's next to the place that we went for drinks with Sean that one time." I tell him, knowing he knows where that is. Because that night he got into a fight with the bar tender and got us thrown out while some girl Aiden was hooking up with stalked us home.

Aiden smiles sheepishly. "Right, thanks."

"It was nice to meet you." Kate says nicely to Spencer and I, taking Aiden's hand.

"You too." We say at the same time.

Aiden and Kate leave, with Aiden giving me a small smile as I close the door behind them.

"Was that his new girlfriend?" Spencer asks me after a moment of silence.

"I guess." I say blandly. Any emotion I was feeling before is gone and now I'm just back to being bitter and sad. "You should probably go now." I tell Spencer, giving her a very small, angry frown.

"No." Spencer says, taking a step towards me.


	17. being whole and staying put

**:D Thank you all bunches. **

* * *

I fidget my fingers together. "What do you mean _no_?"

"I meant what I said. Just because we got interrupted doesn't mean it didn't happen."

"I_ know_ that." I answer stupidly.

Spencer smirks and puts the palm of her hand to my cheek. I close my eyes. "God Spencer." I whisper. "If you keep touching me…"

Spencer doesn't answer verbally but instead with another soft kiss. As much as I don't want to, I stop her. I stop her because I can't keep doing this.

"No, Spence, you can't just kiss me every time and think it makes it better." I tell her as strongly as I can.

She hangs her head. "Why."

"Because!" I say louder than necessary. "Because. I want you Spencer. I'm not going to be…I don't know but I'm not going to be it. I want to be _all_ of it."

Spencer nods. "I _want_ you to be all of it."

I look at her, meeting her eyes. "I- you do?" I wasn't expecting that because I wasn't expecting her to agree. I wasn't expecting anything, really. Pessimists never do.

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Ashley!" Spencer exclaims with a very small smile on her face. "Yes, I'm sure." She hits my shoulder shyly and I grab her and bring her into a hug. Spencer wraps her arms around my neck securely and I bring my forehead to rest against hers.

"Okay. Let me be all of it." I whisper softly to her. Spencer nods with a smile. "Spence…" I say her name but don't finish the words. She knows what they are and what they mean.

"I know." She says, slowly taking herself out of my grasp. "I'm going to right now. Because I want you Ashley, with nothing else in the way."

I close my eyes and open them back up. Hoping Spencer doesn't disappear from in front of my door the second I can see again.

She doesn't.

"Do you have any idea how long I waited to have you say that?"

"Probably as long as I've wanted to say it." And with one last touch to my cheek and a grin, Spencer is out the door and I am alone again.

But this time I know it won't be for long. And that feels good.

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I tap my fingers nervously against my thigh as I sit on my couch. Waiting. The television screen is on the Home Shopping Network. I don't know how it got there. They're selling the ugliest rings I have ever seen. And then they're selling the ugliest oven mits I have ever seen. I put it on mute to block the annoying sound of the spokeswoman and callers out of my apartment.

"And what is the largest size you have in those…" Is the last thing I hear. I chuckle to myself and immediately feel like a fool.

_"Hi, yes, do you have a size 14 in the double diamond studded engraved ring?" Spencer asked with a hint of a poorly faked southern accent into the phone. _

_"Spencer!" I whispered with a giggle in my voice. _

_"Um, a size 14 you said?" Came the voice of the sales lady over the speaker phone. _

_"Uh huh, yes, my fingers are quite large." Spencer almost laughed but she closed her eyes to keep it in._

_"I'm sorry ma'am, I don't think we make them that size." The lady said unsurely. _

_"That's really upsetting." Spencer faked a sob and then hung up the phone. I let out my laughter and rolled around on the floor with Spencer the same way next to me. _

_"If the cops ever come get you for making a prank phone call to the _Home Shopping Network_, I'm having nothing to do with it." I told her, sitting up on the floor with my legs crossed._

_Spencer punched my arm. "Of course you will, you have to bail me out. Your life would be boring without me Davies."_

_I chuckled. "You are so not that innocent blonde girl you're supposed to be."_

_Spencer raised her eyebrow to me. "Who said I'm supposed to be innocent?"_

_I gulped, trying to hide the sound it made and the way her tone made me ache with want. "Yeah, well."_

_Spencer snorted. "Good comeback. And who are you? Miss got a ticket for talking back to a cop."_

_"He was mean to me!"_

_"Ashley." Spencer smiled and shook her head. "He just asked to see your license."_

_"Yeah, in a _mean_ way. I wasn't even doing anything."_

_"Right." Spencer rolled her eyes dramatically._

_"Don't _right_ me, honeybunch. You need to stop deceiving people." _

_Spencer gave me a confused look. "Deceiving people?"_

_"Yeah." I chuckled, a tiny but nervously. "With your pretty bright blue eyes and blonde hair and shit, people think you're a nice girl. I know better."_

_Spencer scoffed. "And shit? That's lovely Ash, thanks."_

_I grinned widely at her, an overexaggerated grin. I used it to try and distract her from my nervousness and darkened eyes when I merely talked about how she looked. _

After another agonizing couple of hours of just sitting, my buzzer sounds and I don't even ask who it is, I buzz her up right away.

When I open my door Spencer is standing there. She doesn't look completely sad but she doesn't look completely happy. Her eyes are wide and kind of wet. I guess that's the look someone has after they've broken up with the person they've been with for almost two whole years.

But I wouldn't know.

"Hi." I stupidly say.

The second Spencer's blue eyes meet mine her expression changes slightly to a more happy, comfortable state. I grab her hand softly and pull her into me for a tender hug. She lets out a breath on my shoulder and I sigh. I close the door and lead her over to the couch.

"Hi." Spencer answers back quite late. My heart flutters at her when she makes no hesitation to sit right next to me and snuggle into my side.

"Are you okay?" I ask her, rubbing her shoulder.

"I am now." She says with a smile up to me.

And all of a sudden I feel this immense guilt creep up on me and it takes over. I just broke up a two year relationship. A relationship between two people who loved each other. I did it for selfish reasons. But was it so selfish if it was for my heart?

"I am so sorry Spencer, I, oh shit, I'm sor-" I start to ramble dumbly but am cut off by Spencer's soft hand on my mouth.

"Ashley shut up." She says bluntly, with a playful smirk. Her eyes twinkle and I love it. "Just, shut up. I know you feel guilty. But I'm where I want to be."

"You are?" I'm dazed.

"Yes _Oats_." She whispers to my cheek before she rubs it with her nose.

I pull her close to me and revel in the phenomenon of being able to do just that. God, she feels so good in my arms I almost can't breathe. Her breathing is heavy and I don't know if it's from being sad about Carmen or being so close to me. Maybe it's a combination of both.

I slide my hand through her silky hair and kiss her temple. "I wanna be with you. Be with me, Spencer."

"Ashley. Of course." Spencer says and I can hear the smile in her voice just as much as I can see it on her face.

I know it's not necessary but I can't stop talking. Telling her all of the things I had wanted to say for what seemed like forever. "I want to hold your hand, and, and, buy you stuff, and I want you to kiss me goodbye before you go to your classes and I wanna have you come into my apartment after your night class." I take a breath, not even noticing Spencer's laughter. "And, I wanna tell people that this, this is my girlfriend, Spencer. And I want to get jealous when girls and guys check you out because you're so gorgeous Spencer. So seriously gorgeous." I whisper the very last part, closing my eyes.

I feel an extremely soft kiss go to the side of my mouth and I whimper. Again, I feel a searing, hot tear cascade down my cheek. But this time, it's from happiness.

I never, ever, in my life believed in crying out of joy. I always thought it was ludicrous. Obviously now, I see the point.

"You can do those things." Spencer says softly, intertwining our hands. "You can do _all_ of those things." Spencer lets out an adorable yawn.

"Let's go to sleep." I tell her, kissing her cheek.

Because really, it's been kind of a long day.

When Spencer cuddles up next to me in my bed, my heart is constantly beating faster and faster. I can't calm down and I can't get used to this. Well, that's a lie. I _can_ get used to this. I just can't even wrap my head around it. Honestly, I think both Spencer and I are afraid to do anything else. To even kiss. I'm not even thinking about going further because this. Right here. This right here is perfect.

Spencer looks up to meet my eyes in the dark from where her head rests on my shoulder.

"I love you, Ashley Davies." Spencer says clearly, her eyes penetrating mine.

The smile on my face is going to be there permanently.

"God. I love you too Spencer." I tell her, running my hands up and down her sides and her stomach. "Goodnight." And with a kiss to her forehead we both drift off to sleep.

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When I wake up, I am momentarily confused. My body is tangled with Spencer's. And then I am momentarily alarmed. Thinking when she has to leave and the pit of my stomach gets tight. But then, I remember. I remember Spencer doesn't have to leave and that there is nothing between us now. The knot in me unties and I relax into her.

"Hi." Spencer whispers sleepily, her voice full of tiredness and other things.

I mumble incoherently and push my head into her neck, letting my nose take her scent in. I feel almost like a dog for a second and then I sigh contently. I crack open my eyes and see her looking back at me.

And all at once I know something. I know that we are going to be that couple that can't keep their hands off of each other. At least I know I am. Because from all that built up love and lust from years and years of not being able to do anything with it, now, I am finally able to. And I'll never stop.

"It's so nice waking up next to you." I murmur, pulling her closer into me.

"And it's so nice not having to leave." Spencer answers with a kiss to my neck.

We just lay there a little longer. Both basking in the absolute ecstasy it is to just lay with each other. Not even having to do anything, I feel pretty much the most content I ever have in my life.

Just as my eyes start to flutter closed Spencer speaks softly. "Ash?"

"Mmm."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah." I mumble, bringing my heavy eyes to look into her blue ones.

Spencer smiles shyly as her hand sneaks up under my shirt to rub my stomach. It's more of an affectionate movement rather than sexual. And I love it. "How long have you felt this way about me?"

Her question takes me off guard and I run my memory. I don't believe there is one exact moment I can pinpoint, it was an ever-growing adoration I felt for my best friend. "A long time. Since high school."

Spencer grins at me. "Me too."

My eyes flicker back to hers, because they were previously on her lips. "What?" Spencer's eyes peer at me through her eye lashes in a heart-bursting way. "Really? I, you, I never thought…" I trail my jumbled words off, thinking. She just nods, her eyes still locked on mine.

_Spencer stood still for a couple of seconds, almost like she was waiting for me to say something._

_Spencer smiled and rolled her eyes. But I saw her cheeks become a little less pale. _

_Spencer shrugged. "Not really. I think I would have rather danced with you." She laughed lightly and looked at me. _

_Spencer smirked, her lips met my cheek softly and my eyes fluttered. "How 'bout now?" She asked, softer. _

"_Yeah." Spencer said abruptly, putting her arm around my waist. "We're very close."_

_I had a feeling that Paula knew something both Spencer and I didn't. _

"_She's dumb, Ashley. You want to go out with a dumb girl?" Spencer said with a small smile on her face. I shrugged. "Can you, just, not hang out with her as much? I don't want you to get stupid, you know?"_

_Spencer grinned at me and blinked. "Ash I love you too. But you know that." _

"You did?" I ask softly.

Spencer nods extremely slowly. "Yeah. Always. But when you didn't say anything about Carmen, or try and talk me out of going out with her, I thought maybe you didn't."

My face falls, and even now in this blissful state it hurts to think about all the time we lost because I was a coward. "I just wanted you to be happy." I confess. "I was nervous, and I never had enough courage to tell you. Believe me though, I constantly wished I had said something. There wasn't one day that I didn't think about it." I tell her sincerely, hoping that she knows that just because we drifted that didn't mean I stopped caring or thinking about her. It was quite the opposite.

"Is that why we go so far apart?" Spencer asks in a soft way, not meanly or with any kind of venom.

I nod and close my eyes. "Yeah." And it comes out as a sorrowful whimper. "I am so sorry Spence, I'm sor-"

But again, Spencer is done hearing my apologies and her lips meet mine with just the right amount of force to shut me up. She rests her forehead against mine, catching her breathe. "Ash, it's okay. I never exactly said anything either. And plus, you shouldn't be the one apologizing, ever. God, I should have just broken up with Carmen in the beginning. So _I'm_ sorry. But we're not so far apart now, are we?" I open my eyes to see a devilish grin on her angel-like face.

"No." I chuckle softly. "No, we're not."

"Well good." Spencer murmurs to my lips before they're reacquainted with mine once again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

With Spencer gone and off to class, I sit around my apartment lazily, waiting for her to return. The case with all of the girls I had always "been" with was like this: Yes, I'd have a nice time with them. We would hang out. Go back to my place and watch a movie. Mess around. But throughout the whole time it was like I would be _waiting_ for it to be over. Even if the night was nice and the girl was pretty. There was a part in me just waiting to go home, not wanting to waste my time. And in high school, I would be _waiting_ to go hang out with Spencer. Waiting for her to text me or call me or meet me somewhere.

What I feel and always did feel with Spencer is the exact opposite. It was always her. And now, I want nothing more than to just be with her, in her presence.

My buzzer sounds and I get up excitedly. "Hey!"

"_Pizza._" A mumbled voice comes through.

"Uh, I didn't order a piz-"

"_Pizza_." The voice says again, more roughly.

I shrug my shoulders, buzzing them up. I could go for a pizza, sure.

I'm fumbling around with my money when I open the door, so when I see the person on the other side, I'm surprised.

"What the hell?"


	18. fall to woodchips

**This chapter's a bit short, but it's the _flashback_ that's definitely the most important part.  
_Hope you enjoy :) _**

"What the hell?" I say by accident. It just comes out of my mouth.

"Yeah. It's me." Carmen says roughly, her hands straight down at her sides.

"Uh." I'm not sure what to say. This isn't going to be a fun time.

"Hello Ashley. How are you?" She asks in a mocking way, her eyebrows scrunched together in anger.

"Uh." That's all I got.

"Hmm. I bet you're pretty good, right? Stealing people's girlfriends is always an ego booster."

I let out a breath and look into some scary-ass steel-grey eyes. "Look, Carmen. I don't wanna fight with you."

Carmen rolls her eyes. "I knew you always had a thing for her, Ashley. It was so obvious. And I knew she had a thing for you too. She always fucking talked about you."

"She did?" I ask, trying to hide the smile on my face.

Carmen gives me a glare.

"We were together for almost two years! That's a long time, are you aware of how long that is?"

"Yeah, well, I've known Spencer for, like, _way_ longer than two years." Yes, that's what I say. I wish I were better at intimidating people, like one of those people that just looks at you and you cower in a corner. I feel like maybe I once had the potential to be that person but I never filled it out. Maybe another version of me, in another time, is an intimidating Ashley Davies. But this one is kind of a baby.

"I love Spencer. I was, I was gunna ask her to marry me." Carmen says, lowering her voice.

Oh Christ.

"I, what?" My mind does not have the ability to wrap itself around this statement.

"Yeah." Carmen shuffles her feet but her gaze stays hard on me. "You know, not now, but eventually.

I am so incredibly terrified to ask this next question. "Um, does Spencer, did she know that?"

If Spencer _did_ know this information, then at least she knew and she turned it down. The option was there but she didn't want to take it. But if she _didn't_ know, I am going to feel a ton of guilt on my shoulders piled on top of the guilt that is already there.

"I used to bring it up sometimes but Spencer just turned it into a joke. I just thought she thought we're too young. But now it's totally obvious she was just waiting. For you." Carmen says, her eyes burning into mine.

_We were at the park. Spencer and I went there sometimes late at night. During the day, it was filled with the laughing and footsteps of little kids playing Hide and Seek and Tag and Don't Touch The Lava. You know, the one where the woodchips are lava and if you step on them you're out? It's fun, and it never gets old. But at night, the park was peaceful, a bit creepy, but peaceful. _

_Spencer was swinging on a swing just a few feet away from where I was on the monkey bars. Even though I was sixteen years old, monkey bars would always be the best and coolest thing in the park. In the world. _

_I couldn't help but notice how perfect Spencer looked on that swing. And by perfect, I mean literally perfect, her golden hair swaying back and forth with each movement, illuminated by the full moon. I had decided long ago that she was definitely the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Even when we were younger, and Spencer had dorky glasses and braces and was slightly awkward. Not fully grown into her long limbs and taller than a lot of the boys. I thought she was adorable. _

_And I was proved correct, because when we got older Spencer grew quickly out of the awkward stage. And I was not the only one to notice. She went from being an adorable kid to a totally gorgeous teenager. _

_I was still in my tomboy stage. One that I, for the most part, never fully grew out of. I hated dresses and skirts and anything with a heel. I didn't get why being comfortable was such a huge crime. But apparently, in high school, it was. And when I got made fun of by some girls in our class, Spencer told me she thought I was way prettier than they would ever be and that they were jealous. She said that if I were a boy, I would be the hottest boy in the school and probably go out with the head cheerleader. Ironic, right? I told her that I would want her to be my girlfriend and that I hated cheerleaders. _

"_Ash?" Spencer said from the swings. She was going dangerously high. _

"_Spencer be careful." I warned her, hanging from the cold bars. It was a little chilly out and I wished I had brought a jacket. _

"_What do you think your wedding will be like?" _

_I thought for a second. Wondering if I should lie and say it'll be great with the man of my dreams. Or tell her that I'm not really into boys. At all. I knew I was gay. But I never told Spencer, or anyone really. _

_I decided to go for neutral ground. "I don't think I wanna get married." I told her as I swung to the next bar. _

"_Really?" She asked, slowing her swing slightly. _

"_Yeah. But I know what your wedding will be like. You're gunna marry some stupid jock and have sappy music playing everywhere." I snickered._

"_No I'm not!" Spencer yelled, a laugh in her outburst. "I'm gunna marry someone I love. And I think it will be a small ceremony." Spencer said dreamily. _

"_Can I come to your wedding?" I asked her, dropping form the bars and wiping the woodchips off my pants. _

"_Of course. You can be the flower girl."_

"_Psssh. Yeah right." I scoffed and sat down in the swing next to her. _

"_Yeah, I guess Glen can do that." Spencer giggled. "But, why don't you wanna get married?"_

_I dug my boot into the dirt below the swing. "I dunno. I just never really pictured myself doing that whole thing." It was true. I hadn't. Not the kind of wedding Spencer was picturing, at least. _

"_Oh." Spencer looked thoughtful, and then she turned her head to me. "Could I…ask you a question?"_

_I nodded my head. "Sure." I answered. And at that moment I knew, I just knew what she was going to ask me. And my palms started to sweat, my fingers fidgeted around the metal of the swing. My face got hot. My boots kicked at some woodchips. I knew Spencer would want to hear an explanation as to why I _always_ turned down guys who asked me out and why I never had any crushes. Well, none that I told her about. _

"_Are you gay?" She asked me, curiously. Her tone was pure wonder. There was nothing there that told me anything besides that fact that she just wanted to know. _

_I sighed. "Yeah, I'm gay." I told her honestly. _

"_That's cool." Spencer answered with a smile on her face, starting momentum to swing again. "So, do you think that girl Keri is as hot as all the guys think?"_

_I chuckled. "No way. She's got a weird nose."_

"_That's what I thought too!" Spencer exclaimed, shaking her head. "Guys are so stupid." _

"_Duh." I laughed, starting to swing myself. _

"_So, you don't even wanna marry a girl?" Spencer asked, again, curiously. _

_It didn't feel weird talking to her like this. She had been my best friend for a while. And I thought that maybe whenever I came out to her it would get strange. But it never did. _

_I shrugged at her question, honestly not knowing. "I never really thought about it."_

"_Hmmm. Well, how about, if we're both not married by the time we're, like, 47 then we get married to each other." Spencer proposed with a cute little laugh._

"_Why 47?" I asked with a tilted smile. _

_Spencer shrugged. "I dunno. I like the random number."_

"_Yeah, okay." I told her. _

_And for a while, I could not wait to turn 47. _

"Look Carmen. I'm sorry, honestly. And I'm sorry you got hurt." I say, taking myself out of my daze. "But I'm in love with Spencer. That's pretty much all there is to it."

"Yeah?" Carmen replies with venom. "So am I. I know she'll come back to me because I was _always_ there for her Ashley. I never left her."

And with that, Carmen slams my door closed behind her, leaving me feeling somewhere between scared shit-less and disgusted with myself.


	19. get free, get love

**Hope you enjoy :)**

Not even five minutes after Carmen left me standing bewildered at my door, Spencer comes right back through it with a look of pure confusion on her face. They must have met half way through, it is not possible that they missed each other. My brain hurts. This is way too much in such a short time span. I never realized that getting what I wanted would be so complicated. I mentally berate myself for thinking that anything could come easily.

Spencer immediately wraps her arms around me and that action allows me to calm down for a short moment.

"Why was she here?" Spencer asks into my ear, giving it a small kiss.

"Mmmmuu." That is what comes out of my mouth.

I hear Spencer chuckle as she grabs my hand and leads us over to my couch. I lean myself down and Spencer curls up right on top of me. My eyes are closed and I feel her continually run her fingers through my hair.

"Ash." She says softly, trying to get my attention. I hear the grin in the way she says my name.

"She's angry." I tell her slowly.

"I know."

"She's scary."

Spencer tilts her lips up. "She can be, um, a little intense." I cringe slightly at her words. I know she doesn't mean them how I'm thinking but still, I hate it. "She can really get in your face about things. Why'd you let her up?" Spencer wonders.

"She said she was the pizza man." I say, realizing how dumb my words sound.

Spencer's face looks angry now. "She did, seriously?"

"What?" I ask her as I slip my hands under her shirt. I don't mean anything by it, I just want to feel her skin. It's comforting. My fingers like it.

Spencer sighs. "We had a fight a couple weeks ago and I wouldn't let her in my dorm. She said she was the pizza guy and well, she wasn't."

"That's so stupid." I spit out angrily, like a pubescent, pissed off little girl.

Spencer laughs lightly. "I know."

"What were you fighting about?" I ask, partially knowing the answer and feeling conceited about it.

Spencer cocks her eyebrow at me. "You know it was about you. We were starting to hang out again, you know. And she didn't like it, she didn't want me to see you at all. I guess maybe she was rightfully worried." Spencer chuckles. "But that was before anything happened with us."

"Spence?" I ask timidly. I have to ask her this question. I have to know. "Did you tell her that, does she know that you cheated on her with me?"

Spencer doesn't flinch she just keeps looking at me. "Yeah I told her."

"Oh."

"She wasn't as mad about that as she was about me breaking up with her. I think she almost expected that to happen, the first part, not the breaking up." She says slowly.

"Really?" I ask, curious.

"Yeah." Spencer pauses. "She cheated on me once." Spencer rushes out hurriedly.

I immediately get up from my lying down position and stand in front of the couch where Spencer is now sitting. "Excuse me, what?"

Spencer's eyes lock on mine and she just nods.

I feel blood rush to my face and head. My hands clench at my sides. "What. Why didn't you tell me?" I ask desperately.

"It was a really long time ago, I, it was with her ex-girlfriend, she was drunk. I didn't tell you because, I don't know, I just…" She trails off and I frown. Because I know why she didn't tell me. She didn't tell me because I was too fucking busy drifting away from her, trying to get rid of her. "It happened so fast, we didn't even break up because she told me right away and I forgave her."

"I'm gunna rip her hair out of her head." I say through gritted teeth.

Spencer stands up in front of me. "I think it's too late for that baby."

My eyes snap back to her and the anger drains momentarily. A smile comes over my face. "You called me baby." I announce to her with a tilted head.

Spencer rolls her eyes at me but I see the blush. "I've always wanted to see what it would feel like."

I step towards her and whisper. "How'd it feel?"

She pulls me to her by my belt loops. "Really, really good."

I give her a soft kiss before I continue talking. "I'm still gunna saw her feet off."

"Ashley." Spencer smiles. "I don't think what we did was any better. I always felt like she expected me to get back at her for that."

"What?" I ask, searching her eyes.

Blue eyes widen and Spencer realizes I took her words the wrong way. "Oh my God, no, Ash, that's not what I was doing. You know that right? You know I've loved you forever, right?"

I just nod and smile. I do know and it feels wonderful to know that. Spencer's hands run up my arms and thread through my curls. "You're my world." She says softly.

"You're mine too." I feel quite cheesy.

"What else did she say?" Spencer asks, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear.

I really don't want to talk about Carmen anymore, but I do want to get everything out in the open. I don't want to hold anything inside me anymore. I want Spencer to know everything Carmen said, because the feeling of having it to myself is making me sick to my stomach. And Spencer deserves to know.

"She said, she- was gunna." The words are literally not coming out of mouth, and Spencer's curious expression just makes me feel even shittier. "She said she was gunna ask you to marry her one day." I say, all jumbled together.

Spencer looks down then back up into my eyes. "I know."

My breathing is coming out in nervous puffs. "You do?"

Spencer nods. "Yeah, she always used to talk about it you know, but I would always make it into a joke or something. I never saw myself marrying her." Spencer's hand drifts down my neck and she watches it make its burning path. "It's not even about you Ash. I just knew I wouldn't end up with her like that." Her eyes drift back to my brown ones. "As bad as it sounds, Carmen was like, a comfort, she felt secure. I loved her, I did. But I was never _in_ love with her. Like I am with you." She finishes quietly.

I have no words for her, because I don't know what to say. I feel so much right now that I don't even know what to do. "I don't even know what to say." I tell her with a wide smile.

"Then don't say anything." Spencer mumbles into my mouth before she kisses me. And it's not a rough bathroom kiss or a tender kitchen kiss. It's a kiss full of total and complete love. Love that I _know_ is felt by both of us. That alone makes it the most wonderful kiss.

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"Why didn't you tell me?" Kyla asks me with a sad puppy look on her face.

I lean against her kitchen counter, sipping a soda. "I'm sorry Ky. I was scared, I thought maybe if I said anything then it wouldn't be true, or it would get even more messed up."

My half-sister's eyes soften as she pours a mug of coffee. "It's okay. But you _know_ I don't like being out of the loop."

I chuckle. "I know."

"So are you guys official?" Glen asks, walking into the kitchen.

I smile. "Yeah, I think so."

"Alright, well you know I like you Ashley, but I have to say this." He looks painfully serious. "If you hurt my sister then I will hunt you down and we'll have problems."

I try my best not to snicker or roll my eyes. "Alright Glen."

"Good. I didn't like Carmen anyway, so I'm happy for you." He says with a shrug, leaving his tough older brother façade behind.

"Really?"

"She was happy with Carmen." Kyla pipes in and my eyes glance to her. "But not like she was whenever she was with you. You could tell."

"True, and Carmen kinda scared me." Glen admits apprehensively. "I told _her_ I'd beat her ass down with a broom if she hurt Spencer. Be thankful I didn't say that to you."

I snort. "Thanks Glen."

He nods. "You know, it's weird with a gay sister, I'm never sure if I'm allowed to really threaten her girlfriend. With a boyfriend I could just be like 'oh, I'll punch your face in.' But with a girl I feel like that might get me thrown in jail or something."

I laugh and Kyla giggles, giving her goofy boyfriend a loving glance. "He's s romantic." Kyla says in a mock dream-like tone. She gives him a peck on the lips and continues to shuffle around the kitchen.

The nervousness I had felt when Carmen first threatened me has slowly started to dissipate. I know that Spencer loves me and of course she knows I would do anything for her. But there is still that small, pessimistic part of me that thinks maybe Carmen will come through with her words. They have a romantic history together. Carmen was Spencer's first and that fills me with sadness and nervousness at the same time. Because I wish I were Spencer's first. And because I'm nervous Carmen will somehow get her back.

But what Spencer told me eased me. It made my heart turn to putty even more for her and I know what she said was sincere.

"You wanna stay for dinner, Ash?" Kyla asks me.

I smile. "Sure."

"I can't believe your mom's wedding is next week." Glen says to us.

I sigh. "I just can't wait until it's over."

"Well at least this time you'll have a date you _actually_ like." Kyla says to me with a smirk.

"_Come on babe. We're going to be late." Kelly said to me as she hurriedly gathered her things by my door._

"_I'm coming." I yelled in annoyance. _

_I hated the word babe. It is like a watered down version of baby. I just feel like, I don't know, it reminded me of the pig. I never called Kelly an affectionate name like that. I just called her by her name because I could never bring myself to say anything else. _

_Part of me was happy to be with Kelly at this time, so I would have a date for this monstrosity that my mother called a wedding. It was spur of the moment, no planning. But with her connections, she made it happen. On the other hand though, I wish I were just going alone. And I felt guilty thinking that. I had been trying for a month or so to get myself to really, really like Kelly, to even love her and tell her. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It made me sick to my stomach every time I thought about it. So I kept our relationship more casual than was necessary. She was good to me and I just wasn't going down that two-way street. _

"_Ready?" She asked, grinning at me with her purse in her hand. _

_She did look pretty. Her dirty-blonde hair up, and her small body in a simple dress. I nodded, took her hand, and let her lead me down the steps. _

"_Congratulations mom." I gave her a small kiss on the cheek along with my mundane words as a wedding gift. _

"_Thanks dear." She responded, looking over my shoulder for someone probably more important. _

"_Wanna go now?" I asked Kelly who was standing next to me. _

"_Ashley, we have to go to the reception." She said, squeezing my hand in hers. I shrugged. And then I saw Spencer and Carmen come congratulate my mother and my stomach hit the floor._

_Spencer hadn't been going out with Carmen for very long, a couple of month or so. But already, I had started to separate myself. I saw her less and less. Especially after she had told me they had sex. My eyes locked on Spencer's and I saw her smile slightly. I squeezed Kelly's hand tighter, trying to remind myself that I was pretending to be happy. Kelly knew nothing about Spencer. She had no idea who she was because I never brought her up. _

"_Hey Ashley." Spencer said to me as she walked over with Carmen attached to her hand. _

"_Hey Spencer, Carmen." I said, nodding to them. I felt oddly out of place. "Um, thanks for coming." _

"_Well, your mom likes me a lot for some reason." Spencer chuckled. Her eyes then went to Kelly by my side, flickered to our hands, and back to me. _

_Being in an area with Spencer made me sometimes forget that there were other people present. The exception to that rule came when Carmen gave her a kiss on the cheek. _

"_Oh, this is Kelly. Kelly, this is Spencer and her- Carmen." I felt bile rise to my throat when I almost introduced Carmen as Spencer's girlfriend, even though that is _exactly_ what she was. _

"_Good to see you Ashley." Carmen said with a smile on her face. If I had paid more attention to her, if I hadn't been focused on the way Spencer's collarbone jutted out from her dress, or if I hadn't been trying to dull out the feel of Kelly's hand rubbing mine softly, I would have noticed the smugness that tainted her smile. _

"_Yeah, you too." I gave her a fake smile. _

_We all chatted for a little bit. Kelly made them laugh, which didn't surprise me because she was likeable to everyone else except me, apparently. I was too busy feeling bitter to let her in._

_I felt extremely bad, I felt like an asshole. I was dragging Kelly along in this dead-end relationship and it wasn't fair to her. It was obvious my heart wasn't in it. So soon after, I broke up with her. Hoping that maybe next time I would be able to go one of my mother's weddings with someone I loved. _

"So Glen, you gunna wear that pink tuxedo again?" I ask him at the table with a laugh.

Glen snorts. "No way, I think your mom will definitely spear me with a salad fork if I did that again."

"I think you looked cute." Kyla smiles adoringly at him.

"Good thing, you were the only one." I mutter and Kyla throws a roll at my head.

"Only a real man wears pink." Glen says strongly, puffing out his chest.

"Oh, so why were you wearing it, honey?" Kyla turns to say to him, a smirk on his face.

Glen rolls his eyes. "Girls are so mean."


	20. love like the first time

**Hope you like this chapter as much as I do :)  
Thanks for reading and reviewing! **

I have never, in my life, been so nervous for a date.

I'm going on a date with Spencer. A double date, actually. With Madison and her man candy from that bar. I keep trying to remind myself that it's just Spencer. But that alone makes me increasingly nervous. It's _Spencer_. We're going on a real date. Like, a date with two people attracted to each other. Two people that are _together_.

Actually, Spencer and I had gone out on a mock date once before.

"_Aaaash." Spencer drawled out my name from the recliner from my living room._

_The TV was on and we were just hanging out. I was stretched across my couch, almost falling asleep. _

"_Whaaaat?" I mumbled, my face was in the cushions. _

"_I'm bored." She stated, eyes on the TV screen, flipping through channels. _

"_Okay." I replied, closing my eyes. _

"_Come on! It's Friday night, we have to do something." _

_I rolled over so I could see her. "What do you wanna do?"_

_Spencer scrunched her eyebrows together in an adorable way, thinking for a minute or two. "Let's go on a date."_

_My head immediately popped up. "What?" I asked nervously. _What?

"_You know, like for fun. Let's go on a date, I'm hungry anyway." _

_I rolled my eyes. "Why?" I didn't know if I could take that kind of torture. _Pretending_ to go on a date with my best friend when just the other day when we were bathing suit shopping, I had to leave the store. _

"_Because it'll be fun. Come on." Spencer got up, grabbed her purse, and threw my keys at me. _

_I groaned. "Is that how you treat your _date_? Throwing things at them?" _

_Spencer smirked at me. "Let's go sleepy head." _

_When we got the restaurant, _The Macaroni Grill_, Spencer loved that place for some reason, I held the door open for her. I pretended, as I did it, and as I gave my name to the hostess, that I really was on a date with Spencer. That we were going to go as a couple. It was something I probably shouldn't have done because the falseness of it just made me sad. But for the time being, it was a nice feeling. _

_I plopped down on my side of the booth and picked up the menu. "So Spencer Carlin. Tell me your likes, dislikes, dreams, wishes. You like walks on the beach, don't you?" I asked in a mocking tone with a slightly playful smile on my face. _

_Spencer laughed. "Really, you say that on a date?"_

"_No." I chuckled. _

_Spencer rolled her eyes. "Well, I like pasta and snails, the animal not the food. I dislike horses and peanut butter. My dream is to be a writer and I wish you'd stop being a douchebag." _

_I faked a yawn. "God you're boring."_

"_Hey!" Spencer exclaimed and threw a sugar packet at me. "You go."_

"_Okay, okay. I like pancakes, moths, and boots" _I like you._ "Dislike butterflies and band-aids." _I dislike not being with you. _"My dream is to be a music teacher and I wish you'd not be such a lame date." _My dream is that maybe one day you'll love me and I wish I had the courage to tell you that.

"_Fair enough." Spencer smiled at me and looked at her menu. _

"_I got it." I said to Spencer as the check came. I grabbed it before she could and put in my credit card. _

"_Oh, so we're a gentleman, are we, Miss Davies?" Spencer asked with a cute smile on her face. _

"_You know it." I told her, handing it back to our waiter. _

_When we got back to Spencer's house, she turned to me before getting out. "Thanks for the date, Ash." _

_I laughed quietly. "No problem." _

_Spencer grinned at me, kissed my cheek, and got out of my car. I sighed to myself and rubbed the spot where she had kissed. _

"Can we reschedule?" I ask Madison on the phone while I look at myself in the mirror. I am wearing a simple black button up shirt with a collar and light, faded jeans. I look at myself and frown, maybe I should wear a skirt or something like that. I frown even more at the thought.

"No!" Madison yells. I can tell she had me on speaker phone. "Stop being a baby. I thought you love Spencer."

"I do." I smile to myself.

"So then what's the problem?"

I sigh. "I'm just…nervous."

Madison chuckles and I hear some shuffling around in the background. "Well don't be. Anyway, I think I'm gunna need some cooking spray or something get me into this dress."

I snort into the phone. "Is it that red one?"

"Yeah." She answers distractedly.

"Oh God." I groan. Last time Madison wore that red one she could barely get into it never mind get _out_ of it. I hear my buzzer sound and my head snaps in the direction of the front of my apartment. "Uh, I gotta go. I'll see you soon." I tell her as I hang up the phone.

I buzz Spencer up and wait patiently by the door for her to arrive. My heart is thumping in my chest with nervousness and my hands are kind of sweaty. I actually roll my eyes to myself because of how lame I'm being.

When I open my door at her knock I literally feel my eyes glaze over. Spencer smiles at me sweetly and kisses my cheek. "Hi." She says softly.

My eyes sweep her over. Her in her sexy skirt, low-cut shirt, and just-tight-enough jacket. I have seen Spencer like this before, I have. But I have just never seen her like this before _for me_. It's a strange but almost nirvana-like feeling.

"Hey." I finally pull myself together to make words come out of my mouth.

I momentarily tell myself not to say anything about her appearance but then I remember that I am _allowed_ to. I am still not used to being able to say things like that to Spencer. To freely admire her without feeling guilty.

"You look really good." I tell her, my eyes on her deep blue ones.

Spencer takes a step towards me and puts her arms around my neck. I put my face in her own neck and inhale the way she smells. "You too." She murmurs. I feel her hands slide down me and go into my back pockets. I groan into the skin on her neck and kiss the flesh softly.

I reluctantly pull myself away. "We should go." I announce, grabbing her hand. "I think we're already late."

Spencer gives me a small frown. And I know she wants to skip the dinner part of this date as much as I do by her unsteady breathing. "Yeah, okay."

Spencer and I walk the couple of bocks to the restaurant hand in hand. We stay in a peaceful and comfortable silence the whole time, stealing shy glances the whole way. I feel like I'm sixteen years old all over again. Even though the restaurant is pretty crowded, I spot Madison immediately. Her bright, tight, red dress stands out in the crowd, as does her tall, handsome date.

Madison gives me a one armed hug when she sees me, her other hand being occupied with a Martini. She also gives Spencer a one-armed hug, winking at her as she lets go.

"Guys, this is Louis, Louis, this is Ashley and Spencer." Madison says with a big, goofy grin on her face.

Louis shakes both of our hands like a gentleman. "Nice to meet you." His voice is deep and gruff and I hear a slight accent in it. Although I'm not sure what it is. "I got us a booth in the back." He says with a smile as he motions for us to follow him.

I laugh to myself as how overdressed Madison is. It's a nice restaurant, but she looks ready for a party on a yacht. A slightly slutty yacht. "Was the red dress necessary, Mad?" I ask her.

She scowls at me. "Yes Ashley."

"I think you look great." Spencer says with a chuckle and Madison gives her a grin.

"Me too." Louis pipes up and we laugh.

I find out that Louis is originally from Portugal, where his whole family still is. He impresses us when he speaks some Portuguese and Madison looks at him like he's some sort of Greek God. His muscles are almost popping out of his Polo. He kind of reminds me of Aiden, actually.

"So how did you two meet?" Louis asks Spencer and I as we start to eat our dinners.

I glance at Spencer and she has a goofy smile on her face. "Uh, we've known each other since like Middle School." I feel Spencer's hand go to my knee under the table, tracing small circles. It's not a sexual move, it's meant to be comforting. But I still gulp.

"Wow." Louis says, taking a sip of his beer.

"Yeah, they're newly together, after Ashley had loved Spencer for five million years." Madison quips. I can tell by the very slight slur in her voice that she's a little tipsy.

"Madison." I hiss at her.

"What, sorry." She says, giving me a smile.

Spencer shifts so that her lips brush against my cheek and then go to my ear. She whispers so softly it makes butterflies explode in the pit of my stomach. "It's okay, I loved you for five million years too."

A blush makes it way from my neck to my face and I grin at her.

"So Louis." Spencer says, interrupting him and Madison from their very obvious eye-fucking. "What do you do?"

"Oh, I'm a lawyer. That's why I came over, to go to law school."

"Wow, that's really cool." Spencer's eyes light up, and her and Louis start to talk about law things.

Madison gives me a look from across the table. She's smirking at my blush because Spencer's hand is still on my knee. I roll my eyes at her. Sometimes when I go out with Madison I feel like a thirteen year old girl being embarrassed by her parents.

I get through the rest of the dinner with no more than some scratches of embarrassment. Madison did feel the need to tell Spencer that she once walked into my apartment to find me dancing with the mop I used to clean my floors. Not the best thing, but there could have been much worse stories. Unfortunately, there is no way to reciprocate revenge on Madison because she thinks everything she does is hilarious.

I feel soft fingers trail down my neck. "You wanna dance?" Spencer asks me sweetly. I nod my head with a smile and we head to the small dance floor off to the side of the restaurant.

I ring my arms around Spencer's waste and hers come around my neck, hands landing on the exposed back of it. I sigh and bring her closer to me. We sway gently back and forth to a smooth and soothing song. My fingers are absolutely dying to feel Spencer's soft skin, and they slide under her shirt on their own accord. I feel her shiver in my embrace and my fingers move across the small of her back. My own personal shiver of delight gets released when Spencer's hands thread up and through my curls, bringing my forehead to hers.

There is a severe emotional state one enters when they slow dance with another person. It dawns on me that right now, here in this dimly lit, slightly fancy restaurant, I am dancing with Spencer Carlin. My heart does somersaults.

"I've wanted to dance with you for so long." I confess to her, my eyes closing unintentionally.

Because Spencer moves her face to my cheek, I feel the smile that is spread across it. "Me too. Ever since you taught me." She says softly.

My heartbeat is not erratic but instead, it batters in a very steady, very fast rhythm. I feel a wet kiss placed on my jaw line and my hands pull Spencer closer still in response.

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"That was nice." Spencer says as we walk back into my apartment after dessert. Madison and Louis were going to go to a bar, but Spencer and I opted to just go home instead.

For obvious reasons.

"Yeah." I say as I pull off my jacket and rest it on the arm of my couch. "Madison likes you. That's good."

Spencer grins at me. "Yeah? I'm glad."

"You should be." I chuckle in response. Knowing that if Madison doesn't like you means you might have some future problems. She's very protective.

Spencer places the palm of her hand on my cheek, and then cups my face with the other shortly after. "Thank you for the date."

I give her a dorky grin. "Of course." I tell her quietly.

We both lean into the each other slowly, and when our lips do finally touch they light on fire. Our shared kiss is slow and intense. There is absolutely no roughness to it. There is pure unadulterated passion. I pull Spencer closer to me by her shirt, deepening the kiss by tilting my head. Just like when we were dancing, her hands are in my hair.

But this is a different kind of dance.

I let out a low moan as Spencer's tongue caresses my bottom lip, meeting my own muscle soon after. My hands know what to do when they slide up and in her jacket, moving to her shoulders and then sliding that jacket off those same shoulders. I faintly hear the sound of the article hit the floor. But the sound Spencer makes when my hands slide from her shoulders down the front of her body to her smooth shirt-covered abdomen distracts me from the jacket. Slowly but surely, Spencer pulls her lips from mine and raises her arms over her head. Her dark blue eyes twinkle at me as I give her a loving smile, slowly discarding her shirt from her warm body.

And her lips are back on mine. Hot. Slow. And perfect. I allow myself to gently rake my fingernails over the flesh of her exposed back and am rewarded with an arch of the back. I let my mouth guide my lips to her shoulder that only has a bra strap on it. They kiss the skin, along her shoulder and slowly up her neck. As I do that, I feel Spencer's hands start to work on the buttons from my shirt. I groan into the place where her soft shoulder meets her equally soft neck when the hands that are unbuttoning me from bottom to top glide over my stomach. I feel an immediate flare in me that has been ready to burn for years.

My teeth run over her smooth neck as her hands run along my collarbone and down my shoulders, allowing my own shirt to fall to the floor. At an agonizingly slow pace, we walk, still pressed together, to my room. Spencer sits on my bed and I gently place myself over her, bringing my hands to run through her golden hair. When her eyelids flutter, I speak for what feels like the first time in forever.

"You're so beautiful Spence." I murmur this into her mouth and kiss her again. "I've always thought so." And when I take her lip between my teeth I hear a moan of my own name fall from her moist lips.

We both unconsciously ease down so I am partially laying on top of Spencer, one hand resting by her head for support. The other running down her body for a different kind of support. We kiss slowly but passionately. My moving hand begins to slide her skirt down gently as her moving hands unfasten my bra from my back. When it is successfully shed from my body, Spencer quickly drops it off the side of the bed and I let her skirt join my bra there.

All the while still kissing, Spencer brings her hands to dip into the back of my pants, pressuring the bottom half of my body to crush into her own. I let out my loudest groan yet as I try, with Spencer's insistent help, to relieve some of the tension that has been building from the moment Spencer showed up at my door tonight. I whimper into her very soft, and very wet mouth when a hand leaves my pants and finds home on my bare chest instead. My entire body has never been hotter when Spencer talks in a low, gravely tone. "I love you Ash."

The best I can give her is another whimper as her other hand leaves the inside of my pants and starts to undo my jeans. My arms urge her to arch her back so I can rid her of her bra. And when I do, and when she rids me of my pants, we both moan in unison at the feel of each other's skin on our own. Pressed together with _nothing _in the way.

This is not the first time we have had sex. It is not the second time we have had sex. I don't know what the number is. But it feels as if it is the first. Previous times were rushed and rough. Hurried and carried out with guilty hearts and heavy conscious'. This time, it feels more passionate and loving than any other time I have ever experienced.

It might as well be the very first.


	21. flowers that you deserve

I hear footsteps coming into the kitchen as I am filling up a mug full of coffee.

I turn around to see an adorably tired Spencer dragging her feet towards me. I give her a smirk and look over her body. I am still so mesmerized by every single, perfect, soft, smooth inch of it. People don't glow. But if they did, Spencer Carlin would be glowing. She gives me a lazy smile and it sets my heart aflame.

How did I get lucky like this? Part of me can't even believe it. Part of me is just waiting for a disaster to happen for something to ruin what I have been waiting for, for what seems like my whole life. On the other hand, the crappy things have already happened. Years of crappy things, crappy feelings, and despair. But because they all led up to this very moment, this moment where I watch what is possibly the love of my life walk out of my bedroom, with my t-shirt on and nothing else, smiling at me, is worth it. I would do it all over again just to be right here.

My mind comes out of its frenzied thinking when Spencer is right in front of me.

"Hi there." I give her a goofy grin.

Spencer's fingers draw lines down my sensitive neck. Her voice is thick with sleep. "G'morning."

I place a light kiss on the corner of her mouth. "Sleep well?"

Spencer smiles shyly. "Mmmm." Her eyes close and she moves closer to me. "I did. Last night was amazing."

I pull her bare hips towards me, ones that are _just_ covered by the t-shirt. She looks so sexy right now I cannot even control myself. "Yeah. It was." I murmur.

I take Spencer's lips in mine and she pushes herself flush against me, making the back of me lean slightly against the counter. My fingers climb up her legs and under the t-shirt, tracing the soft skin.

Morning sex is the best.

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"Hello mother." I say into the ringing phone as I flip around the channels on my TV.

"Ashley, where have you been the last couple of days?" My mother asks me in a distracted tone.

_In my bed with Spencer_. "I've been here, you haven't called me…" I tell her.

"I know, I just feel like you disappeared."

I roll my eyes. "What's going on, how's the wedding shi- things going?"

"Great! It's so soon, can you believe it sweetie?" My mother exclaims.

"Gosh no." I mock her. She doesn't notice.

"So who are you bringing as your date? That girl?" She asks me. I hear paper shuffling around in the background.

"What? What girl? No, I'm actually, I'm bringing Spencer." I tell her hesitantly.

"Sorry dear, I didn't hear you, what did you say?"

I sigh. "I'm bringing Spencer as my date mom."

My mother makes a confused noise. "But she's coming with Carmen…"

"Actually." I start, muting the TV. "Her and Carmen broke up. And, well, me and Spencer, we're-"

I am cut off by my mother's loud voice. "You stole Carmen's girlfriend?"

"I, no not really." I say, not sure if I'm lying or not. "I've always liked Spencer."

"I know." My mother states evenly.

"I, what?"

"It was obvious Ashley. I'm not that dim, please." I can basically _see_ my mother waving her hand in the air, as a gesture of obviousness.

"Oh. Well, I'm coming with Spencer, we're coming together."

"Alright, well I'll have to move seats around but that's fine. Anyway, I need to ask a favor."

"Yah." I say. And I make a weird face at myself because I've never said "yah" before.

"I need you to play your guitar thing as people come into the reception."

I sigh. "Isn't that what the band is for?"

"Well yes, but they're playing a bit after. You just need to do this for about fifteen minutes or a half an hour or so. You know, nice little songs and whatnot."

"Do I have to?" I ask dejectedly. Knowing that my mother's favor is more of a demand than a request.

"I would fully appreciate it dear."

"Fine."

"Lovely!" She exclaims and if the phone weren't in her hand I _know_ she would have made a little clapping noise with her hands. "Oh and tomorrow be at my apartment by ten we need to do dress fittings."

"Awesome." I tell her.

After I get off the phone with my _delightful_ mother, I take a shower, get dressed, and get ready to go out. I can't stay cooped up in my apartment so I decide to take a walk.

When the floral shop comes into my sight I smile to myself and head in that direction. Flowers are romantic and somewhat mushy, but I feel that girlfriend type instinct to buy some for Spencer. Just the thought of being able to give them to her with a peck on the lips makes my insides all giddy.

"_Who are you going to prom with?" Spencer asked me from her sitting position on my bed._

_I swiveled my desk chair around and brought two fingers to chin, in a pensive pose. "Well between my three girlfriends and kept-woman be hard but I figure I can bring all of them."_

_Spencer rolled her eyes and threw a pillow at me. "You don't have a kept-woman Ash."_

"_Yes I do, it's you." I laughed. "And what, are you saying I _do_ have three girlfriends?"_

"_Do you?" Spencer asked me curiously. _

"_Um, no. I don't have any. And plus I'm not going." I leant back in my chair and put my hands behind my head. "Who are you going with? Didn't Bobby, Steve, and Michael all ask you?"_

_Spencer nodded. "They did. But seeing as I'm gay and male parts aren't really my thing, I unfortunately had to shoot them down."_

"_You could have still gone as friends." I shrugged. _

"_I guess." Spencer said. "But you're not going, so it wouldn't be fun. Hey! Why don't you go with one of them too?"_

_I shook my head. "Hell no."_

_Spencer huffed. "Fine, I guess we'll just have to make our own prom then." She grinned at me cheekily. _

_I got up from my chair and laid myself down next to her. "Oh yeah? Can I be Prom King?"_

"_Only if I can be Prom Queen." Spencer giggled. _

_She was too cute. I smiled lazily at her, admiring her clear blue eyes full of laughter. "Deal."_

_I was glad I wasn't going to prom. I didn't want to be in a nice hotel full of happy couples with no worries except for what the next song would be. I was jealous of them. I wish I were them or at least felt like them. I wanted to go with someone I liked. Someone I loved. I wanted to dance with someone. But I couldn't and I didn't. I could go with some random guy while Spencer went with his friend. He would try to feel me up and make lame jokes and I would sit miserably in my chair while Spencer danced with her date. Because she would dance with him. Just for fun, but couldn't. _

_The night of prom, I ordered Chinese food and headed over to Spencer's house. This to me, was the perfect prom. Just hanging out with my best friend. I even wore one of those funny t-shirts with the design of a tie hanging down the middle. _

"_I hope you're okay with your prom food being Chinese." I chuckled out as I entered the living room of Spencer's house. I set the food down on the table and looked around. _

"_Spence?" I called out. _

"_Coming!" She yelled from upstairs. _

_Spencer came walking down the stairs a minute later with her hands behind her back. "I have something for you." She sang out with a smile on her face. _

"_What?" I asked as I stepped forward. _

_She held out a crown to me and started to laugh. "Your crown, Prom King."_

"_Oh my God Spencer you're such a weirdo." I chuckled. _

"_Come on! It's funny, let me put it one you." _

"_No."_

"_Ash!"_

"_Spencer, no." I told her as I backed away. She was slowly walking towards me. She gave me a pout and I felt my defenses weakening. "Stop it."_

_I backed up as far as I could go and my back hit the wall. Spencer jumped at me, holding my wrists in one hand and pushing the too-big crown onto my head over my curls. I attempted to struggle against her but having Spencer this close did things to me. She arranged it one last time and smiled at. _

"_Aww." She mumbled, with a cocky grin on her face. Spencer kissed my cheek softly and said "You're such a cute Prom King" as she walked away. _

_Once I regained normal breathing, I followed her into the living room. "I have something for you too."_

"_You do?" She asked as she turned away from the bags of food. _

_I went over to her and took out a small case from one of the bags that didn't contain food. It held a small corsage, one that went around your wrist. It wasn't really big like those ugly ones, it was on the smaller side. I thought it was pretty and I thought I would look even prettier on Spencer. I had debated to myself about getting it the whole day. I ended up figuring I could just play it our as a joke. _

_I took it out and held it up to her. "Ashley." Spencer breathed out, "That's so pretty." _

_I shrugged as I put it on her wrist. "Well, if I have to wear a crown you have to wear that." _

_Spencer smiled at me. "Thank you."_

"_You're a pretty Prom Queen, what can I say." I think I blushed, so turned to take out the food. _

"_I'm glad we didn't go." Spencer said after a moment of peaceful silence._

_I nodded. "Me too." _

I ding the little bell at the counter.

"Hello?" I say to the girl with her back turned to me. When she turns around I frown. Of course.

Carmen rolls her eyes at me. "Hi, how can I help you?"

"Uh, hi Carmen."

Awkward.

Carmen looks nothing like the angry girl she was at my door the other day. Her eyes are plain and no longer full of passion. And she doesn't look like she's going strangle me this time.

"I didn't know you worked here." I state honestly. I guess making small talk with your current girlfriend's ex-girlfriend is not as awkward as just being silent.

"Yeah, it's not bad actually. Kind of mellow." She tells me as she puts some papers away.

"That's cool." I say awkwardly.

"Um." Carmen fidgets her hands together weirdly and walks closer to where I am on the other side of the counter. "I, um, I wanted to apologize for being like, threatening the other day."

I stare at her confused. "You do?"

"Well not really." Carmen chuckles nervously. "I didn't think I would see you again, but now that I have I just, wanted to."

"Okay."

"Right. Well, uh, what can I get you then." Carmen asks me.

"Just some orange roses would be good." I tell her with a small smile. Carmen's eyes look sad and she frowns a tiny bit. I'm guessing she knows as well as I do that those are Spencer's favorite flower. I'm buying flowers for Spencer and she's witnessing it. As much as I hate her, I can understand how sucky that is.

Carmen and I don't speak anymore as she arranges the flowers in a cute little bouquet. I fill out a small card on the counter and pay Carmen.

"Thanks." I tell as I turn around to leave but Carmen momentarily stops me.

"Ashley."

I turn back around. "Yeah."

"Um, take care of her, yeah? There were some times I didn't deserve her, but she deserves everything good. So."

I let my eyes connect with hers and realize she is sincere. I nod my head and walk out of the flower shop, bouquet of flowers in hand. For my girlfriend. For Spencer.

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"Hi!" Spencer greets me at her dorm with a big, beautiful smile. I hold the bouquet behind my back with both hands. "What brings you here?"

I shrug. "I missed you. I have something for you."

Spencer gives me a quizzical look. But I can see the excitement on her face. "Oh yeah? What is it?"

I hold out the flowers to her and her eyes go wide and then lock on mine. "Ash. They're gorgeous. You didn't have to." She tells me as she pull me in for a tight embrace. I can hear the happiness in her voice and the gladness that I did, even though I didn't have to.

"I know. I wanted to though." I give her a smile and pull her face towards mine for a kiss.

"You're wonderful. Come on." Spencer takes my hand and brings me into her room.

I'm surprised when I see a red-head sitting on her bed flipping through a book. When she turns around I'm even more surprised. "Kate?"

"Oh hi, Ashley, right?" She says with a smile.

"Yeah." I say glancing at Spencer.

"Yeah, Kate and I realized we had a class together after we met briefly with Aiden." Spencer tells me as she kisses my cheek. She goes to put the flowers somewhere.

"That boy is always late." Kate says with a chuckle. "You guys are so cute, can one of you tell Aiden to get me flowers?"

I laugh. "One can only try."

"I wish I could come over but I have a huge exam tomorrow I really need to study for." Spencer tells me sadly. She brings her arms around my neck and smiles at me. Her fingers rubbing the soft skin on the back of my neck are making me feel all tingly inside.

"That's okay." I tell her as I pull her closer to me by her hips. I give them a slight squeeze. "I have to go to the dress fitting tomorrow, will you come with me?" I ask her sheepishly.

"Of course, I wouldn't miss a chance to watch you try on dresses." She smiles slyly. "I have an early class so I'll meet you there?"

I nod eagerly. "Yup."

"Thanks for the flowers baby." She whispers into my ear. I melt at the feel of her breath in my ear and her use of the affectionate name.

Oh how I wish she didn't have to study.


	22. pin pricks and skin tingles

* * *

High dosages of Christine Davies at early hours of the morning can be lethal.

It is nine-thirty right now and even though I just got here, I am about one minute from leaving. The only thing stopping me is that Kyla is here and has been glaring at me every time I get up. That and Spencer is coming to keep me much needed company. My mother and her close friend, Kendra Nelson, alone are making this morning hell. I've already had three cups of coffee and I feel as if my veins might explode any moment from caffeine overdosage.

Honestly, I would love to head outside for a lovely nicotine stick. But I will resist. Ever since I gave my full heart to Spencer, I haven't really had that craving. I haven't been angry, or angsty, or sullen. Who ever knew being content would benefit your health?

Kendra is the kind of high society socialite type that wears one of those big hats on sunny days. Her pants suit is a perfect cream color and her martini is permanently attached to her jewel-sparkling hand. My mother should just marry this woman, I swear.

"So Kyla, are you thinking about marriage anytime soon?" Kendra asks Kyla, who is sitting right next to me. Kyla has a fake smile plastered across her face, whereas I don't even care that much to put on a mask.

"Not right now, no. Glen and I are young and we're just enjoying each other." Kyla says honestly.

"Good for you honey. What I wouldn't give to go back ten years and just have fun." She says with a whimsical look on her face.

_You mean like twenty years,_ I think to myself and snort a little by accident. I stop when Kyla hits my arm. I feel a little bad for Kyla because Kendra just keeps asking her questions about her and Glen. It's like the Inquisition and I can tell Kyla is about to crack. And Kyla's not so pretty when she cracks. She starts to say things like _man_ and _dude_ and _motherfucking biatch_.

"Ashley, have you picked what you're going to play yet?" My mother asks me.

"Uh, no not yet. I'm thinking about some songs though." I tell her. Kyla gives me a weird look of confusion.

"Ashley has so nicely agreed to share her musical talents at the beginning of the reception." My mother fills Kyla in. Kyla chuckles at me and Kendra just nods and smiles. _Nicely agreed_? More like she forced me.

When there is a knock on the door, I jump up. "I'll get it!"

"I'll help you!" Kyla exclaims, putting her coffee down. Obviously she needs an escape. "You didn't tell me you were gunna play."

I shrug as we walk to the foyer. "Slipped my mind and it's not like I'm ecstatic."

"Hey Spence." Kyla greets Spencer when she walks through the door.

"Ugh, thank God you're here." I tell her as I bury my face in her neck. Spencer's hands run through my hair and I could literally fall asleep standing up, right here.

"Ashley's kind of bored out of her mind and I'm being attacked with five million questions. Please save us." Kyla tells Spencer seriously.

I hear as well as feel Spencer chuckle. "I can try."

"Come on." I take Spencer's soft hand in mine. "I'm sure my mom wants to bombard you with questions too."

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Standing in front of the mirror, I can see the scowl placed firmly on my face. It's been there basically all morning and every minute of the two hours I've been wearing this stupid dress. Personally, I don't care what the dress looks like or how it fits or if it is slightly bunched at the bottom. But my mother does, and she has been telling the girl that works here to put pins in me over and over. It's not a nice sensation.

I feel like a doll, and my mother is the little girl just playing with me.

_Don't worry Ashley, this will take a second._

Bullshit.

_You won't even feel this pin, dear._

Bullshit.

"Just turn around Ashley." My mother says to me, a champagne glass in her hand.

I make an annoyed grunting noise as the lady twists my hips and starts to inspect the back of my dress. I know Kyla is in the other room with a very drunk Kendra, who is asking her more questions about her future wedding. Spencer went to go get a drink, although I _know_ she just wanted to escape from my mother for a few minutes, who has been consistently asking her if I forced her to leave Carmen. And other lovely questions about our new relationship.

"Stop resisting." My mother says blandly. I just glare at her.

"I'm _not_."

She scoffs. "Kyla is not being a baby about this."

"Kyla likes dresses." I mutter under my breath as I feel a light stab into my thigh. "You pricked me there." I say through gritted teeth to the woman fitting me. I don't mean to be a bitch, because honestly this woman has been very nice. She even told my mother to stop talking for a minute. But I'm about to pull my hair out and she is in my line of fire. Not my problem.

"Oh I'm sorry!" She tells me apologetically. Now I just feel bad.

"I'm going to go check on Kyla and Kendra." With this, my mother leaves the small room.

I let out a breath when she's gone. "Is she like that all the time?" The woman asks me.

"Pretty much."

"Alright, I need to go get more pins from the back, I'll be right back." She gives me a small smile and gracefully leaves me all by myself, standing like an idiot in a dress on a platform in front of a three-fold mirror.

Just as I am _this_ close to running out of the room and down the street and hopping a plane to Canada, I see Spencer pop her head through the fold in the curtains.

"Is she gone?" She whispers cutely, her eyes wide and searching the room.

I nod. "She's with Kyla."

Spencer walks in and smirks as she makes her way to me. "You look so _pretty._"

I roll my eyes. "Shut up Spence. Don't you dare leave me alone."

"Ashley your mother was playing a game of five hundred thousand questions with me." She deadpans.

I giggle, remembering the shocked look on Spencer's face when my mother asked her why she never went for Kyla. If looks could kill…

"I'm so fucking uncomfortable." I mutter bitterly, pulling at the material around me.

Spencer's eyes look me up and down. "I could rip it off you, if you want?"

I give her a look and see her eyes go just a little bit darker. "Don't temp me into saying _yes_, Spencer."

Spencer steps up onto the platform with me. "Later." She whispers into my ear. I grin and give her a kiss that is too deep to be appropriate. It probably belongs in Europe. When Spencer grabs my side I whimper into her mouth in an uncomfortable way.

"What?" She asks, taking her face away slightly.

"Pin."

I see her hold back a smile and a laugh. "Sorry Ash."

"Don't laugh. You are so not helping here."

Spencer tucks my bangs behind my ear and touches her finger to my lips. I smile involuntarily and roll my eyes at her ability to make me less mad at her by just _touching_ me. By making my skin tingle.

"Alright, I think we're almost done here!" The lady says excitedly, coming back into the room and ruining our moment.

"Sorry." Spencer mutters as she steps down from the platform to go sit in a chair.

"That's alright, honey. It's nice of you to stay here with your friend." She says, throwing a smile towards Spencer. I roll my eyes. Some people are just so oblivious.

"Oh yes." Spencer says, smirking. "I just love my _friend_, Ashley."

I give Spencer a wink and try not to laugh.

"You know." the lady starts to talk as she does more things to my dress. I actually feel bad for this dress, it's going through so much. If I didn't feel bad for myself I'd feel even worse for this dress. "I always did think our girlfriends were so much more important than any guy."

I hear Spencer slightly snicker form her chair. "I agree, I just hate boys. Don't you, Ash?"

"I don't care for them, no." I say, and cough to hide my laugh.

The lady just nods and keeps fixing my dress. "You sound just like my daughter." She chuckles to herself.

_Well, your daughters gay, honey_.

"You look great Ashley!" Kendra exclaims as her and Kyla walk through the curtains into the small room.

Great, just what I need. A bunch of people in here, in this cramped room, as I am in a dress. They can all leave, save Spencer, of course.

"Thanks Kendra." I give her a fake smile.

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After the dress fitting from hell, my mother decides that we all need to go out for a nice lunch. I wouldn't be protesting if I weren't so tired. And I wouldn't be protesting if Spencer wasn't looking so damn cute the whole morning. I would much rather her be ripping that dress off of me than sitting at a table with Kyla, my mother, Kendra, and Spencer. My ass kind of hurts because if this uncomfortable chair. And my mother keeps giving me side glances at my appearance because apparently I'm not dressed fancy enough. My dark jeans and plain grey shirt are not up to this fancy restaurants standards. I'm _sorry_ I don't come prepared with pearls and a sweater like my wonderful half-sister. Or Kendra's cream pants suit.

"I'm so excited!" My mother exclaims loudly, sipping her lemon water.

I continue to hide my face in the menu and look for something to order.

"Me too Christine, Donald is so wonderful." Kendra replies appreciatively.

I meet Kyla's eyes and we both roll them dramatically.

"So Spencer, are you going to help Ashley pick out some things to play?" My mother asks Spencer with a smile. At least my mother likes Spencer.

Spencer smiles at me warmly and my heart melts all over this fancy floor. "Sure. If she lets me."

My mother laughs and gives me a look. "Well she should. Oh and Kyla please don't allow Glen to wear that pink tux again."

Kyla snorts and looks extremely embarrassed. "I won't, don't worry."

"But green is okay, right mother?" I ask with a smirk.

She gives me a hard glare. "No."

"Stop being a smart ass." Spencer mumbles from behind her menu.

"I can't help it, my ass is smart."

"It's other things too..." Spencer murmurs back and I see the sly smile on her face.

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"Okay," I say, starting to strum my guitar softly, "How 'bout this."

"_Today is Christine's wedding, la la, but I'd rather have Spencer Carlin in my bedding, la la," _I sing out. Spencer giggles from her sitting position in front of me on my bed. She's only wearing a sports bra and shorts, so it's kind of hard to concentrate on coming up with song to play for my mother's wedding.

"I don't think she'd like that." Spencer mumbles, giving me a soft kiss. My hand starts to slide up her leg but she pushes it away.

"Spence." I whine.

"You have to get songs, Ash. Keep going."

"Fiine. _I would like Spencer to take off her shorts so I can fu-"_

"Ashley." Spencer says seriously.

"Alright, geez. Here, this one's really nice and romantic." I cough dramatically. I start to laugh even before I start to sing. "_I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat, take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat, I'm on a bo-"_

"Ashley!" Spencer laughs out.

"What?" I ask. "Are we not going to be on a boat?"

"You're ridiculous."

I roll my eye but give her a playful wink. I place my guitar down on the ground and crawl over to her and tackle her back down on the sheets. "Calm down honeybunch, I already know what I'm playing."

"Oh yeah?" Spencer breathes out, her eyes a lovely shade of dark blue. Her hands on my shoulders draw me closer to her. "What's that?"

"It's a surprise." I whisper to her tempting mouth.

"It better not be that song about my boobs." She says, her lips curling into a smile.

"What," I pout, "you don't like that one?"

Spencer traps my bottom lip between hers and smiles as she lets go. "No I do. I just think that one should be _private_."

I'd have to agree.


	23. catch those eyes

**Alrighty, here ya go :) This is actually the last chapter. I'm going to post a short epilogue after this, though. Hope you enjoy!  


* * *

**

"You ready?"

"By, _ready_, if you mean miserable, about to spend a large amount of time in an uncomfortable dress, dance around like a fool and become my mother's little puppet for the reception? Then sure. I'm ready." I tell Madison as I put the rest of my make up on.

"Aren't we a bitter Betty." Madison chuckles from her seat on my bed. "At least Spencer will be there, right? I like Spencer, she's a nice girl, very pretty, she-"

I interrupt my friend's rant. "Alright there Mad, let's not get carried away with my girlfriend's attributes here."

"Sorry." She chuckles. "I'm allowed to _admire_."

"Uh huh. And I'll see her but only at the end of the day. I have to go early, and won't see her until the reception."

"And when you say _early, _you mean you're gunna be late if you don't hurry your ass up."

"That is what I mean, yes." I say as I apply a little more mascara. "I'll see you at the reception, right?"

"Yup." She bounces off my bed and throws my shoes at me. "Me and Louis."

"Oh yeah?" I turn around to face her as I strap my shoes on. "That's going well?"

"Extremely." She answers.

For some reason, there is a part of me that is nervous. I've done this a bunch of times, but as much as I do it there is always that little knot in my stomach. It's not a bad one. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a _tiny_ bit excited. Weddings can be fun, after all. With all of my friends there, it shouldn't be too bad. With Spencer there, with me, it shouldn't be too bad.

Occasions like these, where people gather together for something happy, have a way of making you slightly less bitter than you previously were. It's sort of like an intensified family picnic.

When I arrive at the library, Kyla is already there in the dressing room with my mother.

"Thank God you're here. Um, Christine is kind of freaking out." Kyla says to me as she hustles me into the room and closes the door.

"What?"

"I guess she has cold feet or something."

I give Kyla a confused expression. "But she _never_ gets cold feet."

Kyla shrugs. "Go talk to her."

"What! Why me?"

"Because I already tried." Kyla sighs. "And I almost bit her ear off."

I chuckle. "Alright Mike Tyson. Chill out, I'll go talk to her."

I enter the adjoining room where my mother is standing in front of a mirror. The room is a condensed version of the library. It's absolutely gorgeous. The dark wood molding and panels on the windows make me feel like I'm in someone's fancy office. The, what must be, hundreds of books on the walls make me feel like I am in a spy novel.

"Uh, hi mom." I say gently as I walk over to her.

She looks gorgeous. Really any woman in a white, flowing dress looks gorgeous. But this is the most effort I've seen her put into one of her weddings. Her dark brown hair is down and flowing around her shoulders, and for once, she does not have a pound of make up on her face. She looks naturally pretty. I smile at her.

"You look great mom."

She turns to me with a worried expression. "You think so?"

I'm taken aback at her nervousness and second guessing. This is not the Christine Davies I know. The mother I know is cocky and slightly stuck-up.

"Definitely."

"Thank you Ashley." And she gives me a genuine smile, one I haven't received form her in God knows how long. "You look beautiful, wait until Spencer see you."

I actually blush at my mother's words. "Are you nervous?"

I see the worry on her face before she speaks. "Yes. I- what if I mess this one up Ash? I mean really, how many more weddings can I take, it's ridiculous."

My mother's bluntness makes me take a step towards her and I grab her had in mine, feeling a surge of mother-daughter love flowing through the room and my veins.

"Listen mom. I've never seen you so excited for a wedding. I can tell you love Donald. And he loves you."

I see a small tear go down my mother's cheek. "And how do you know that?"

I take a breathe and give her hand a slight squeeze in mine. "Because you look at him like I look at Spencer." I pause. "Forever."

She gets it. And she sniffles a little, wiping her eye with her free hand. "When did you get so smart Ash?"

"Probably between your second and third wedding, I'd say."

I am totally surprised when my mother snorts a little bit and gives me a smile. She shakes her head and turns back to the mirror. "I'm thinking this is the last one. Thank you Ashley."

I nod and step back. "Of course. I'll see you out there alright? You'll be great." I turn to leave. "And you really do look beautiful. Ten years younger." I tell her softly and I see her face light up as I close the door.

"Is she alright?" Kyla asks me nervously.

I smile. "She'll be just fine."

This is not the first time I have walked down the aisle with a flower in my hand. But this feels like definitely the best time. I see Glen sitting in one of the chairs up front, next to Aiden. Glen is thankfully not wearing a pink or green suit. He looks handsome in his black and white tux. As does Aiden. And then I see Spencer sitting next to Aiden on the other side. Her eyes meet mine and I have to catch my breath. She looks absolutely stunning, her eyes popping in her simple cream dress. It's a dull color, but on Spencer, it is nothing short of marvelous.

When I finally get all the way up, I stand next to Kyla and give her hand a squeeze. I laugh to myself as I see a tear fall down her cheek. She rolls her eyes at me and smiles. Always so emotional. She as well, looks gorgeous. And I see Glen's eyes trained on her even when my mother walks down the pathway.

She looks beautiful. I turn my head slightly to look at Donald and his smile is big and goofy, and his eyes are shining brightly at my mother. He looks very snappy in his tux. He also looks very happy when he meets my mother and takes her hand. They step up together and proceed to get married.

Somewhere through the vows, I catch my girlfriend's blue eyes again. They're watery, but her smile shines more brightly than everyone else's here combined. I wink at her and will myself not to blubber like a baby when she blows me a kiss.

I swear up and down that I _feel_ her kiss hit me on the cheek.

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I fiddle around with my guitar in my hands. Plucking at strings nervously and wiping off smudges.

There is no one here yet besides Kyla and Glen.

"Kyla, you wanna do this instead?" I ask her as she approaches me.

She snorts. "Right, like the wedding guests would wanna hear me attempt to make music."

"Yeah, it's not pretty." Glen adds and he gets a soft slap to the shoulder by his girlfriend. "What? I'm just saying."

As guests start to trickle in, I begin to play. I sing and strum mindless and unimportant soft songs as I see husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, daughters and sons. I get somewhat into it, I'll admit. It's nicer than having a large obnoxious band play while people walk through. This is simpler and I praise my mother for making me do this.

It looks extremely pretty inside where we are. There are lots of candles, and the lights are dim. Most of the people are here, including my mother and Donald. Although I haven't caught Spencer's eye yet. Eventually, my mother gives me a signal to wrap it up. So I do.

I start to play and look around at the people. They're talking, joking, whispering, laughing. Some are even dancing. Somewhere in singing, I finally catch Spencer's eye, and I smile.

_If I could walk on water, If I could tell you what's next.  
I'd make you believe, I'd make you forget._

_So come on get higher, loosen my lips.  
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips.  
Just pull me down hard, and drown me in love.  
So come on get higher, loosen my lips.  
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips.  
Just pull me down hard and drown me in love._

_I miss the sound of your voice, loudest thing in my head.  
And I ache to remember, all the  
Violent, sweet perfect words that you said._

_---------_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"That was wonderful Ashley. Thank you." My mother gives me a large, tight embrace when I finally make my way into the party.

"You're welcome." I kiss her cheek and give Donald a genuine smile.

"Ashley!" I hear Aiden yell my name and I turn around. He gives me a hug and I smell the liquor.

"So, you hit up the bar already buddy?" I chuckle and let go of him.

"You know it. Glen and I have been there most of the time."

"Don't tell Kyla." Glen whispers as he walks up to Aiden and I and slaps Aiden on the back.

"What, like you're the only one allowed to get drunk here. Psssh." Kyla gives me a sloppy kiss on the cheek. She has a glass of something in her hand.

I hear Madison before I see her. "Lovely to see you in your dress, Ash." She gives a hearty laugh.

I turn around to face her. "Thanks Mad."

She gives me a hug. "You were great, though. Seriously."

I spot Spencer walking towards the four of us as Aiden is talking about something sports related. I grin out of instinct and step away from the circle we've formed.

Her bright blue eyes stay on mine all the way until she is tightly enveloped in my arms. I breathe her in.

"You look beautiful." I tell her and pull her face away so I can see those eyes once again. Her hands go around my neck and rub my skin softly.

"So do you. I missed you." She pouts, gently rubbing her nose against my own.

My face tingles and I feel wonderful butterflies in my stomach. "I missed you too." I admit with a smile.

I brush my lips against hers softly and pull her closer to me by her hips. I think we both smile into the kiss.

Because there is no reason not to.

* * *

**Note: Song is _Come On Get Higher_ by Matt Nathanson ;)**


	24. epilogue

**Epilogue**

"Happy Anniversary baby." Spencer whispers in my ear, her arms around me.

I smile widely and untangle my hands from her gorgeous hair to look into her even more gorgeous eyes. "You too. I have something for you." I tell her seriously.

Spencer's face brightens like a little girl on Christmas morning. She loves presents. "Yeah?"

"Yup." I say as I take the small circle from my pocket and hold it within my fist, hiding it. I push my hand towards her, urging her to open it with her own hand.

Spencer's hands are warm and soft as they gently pry open my fingers. Her pretty bright blue eyes snap back up to mine as she sees the small silver band in my hand. They're extremely wide.

"Ashley." She breathes in nervous excitement. "Is this..." She trails off.

I make a face of surprise. "Oh Jesus, no, no it's not. It's just a plain ring."

I cannot tell what the expression on her face is. Relief? She looks relieved but by her slouched shoulders and lazy smile I can tell there is just the tiniest bit of disappointment in her eyes. I almost don't catch it, it's so very subtle.

"Okay." Spencer laughs, giving me a warm smile and taking the ring into her own hand. "I thought for a second..." She laughs nervously again. Blue eyes focus back on her present as she twists and turns it in her fingers. In the blink of an eye I see them get watery as she finally reads the engraving.

"Oh no, too early, totally crazy." I tell her somewhat confidently. But she's not listening. She's reading the inside over and over and when her eyes finally meet mine she is grinning like a crazy person. A crazy person that I believe is absolutely beautiful. The only crazy person for me. "Do you like it?" I ask shyly.

"I love it. I love _you_." She says right before she captures my lips with her own. I kiss her back like I always knew I was meant to.

"I'm glad. I thought it might be too cheesy, but, I dunno, I liked it." I admit slowly. I take a glance at the engraving I picked out myself. The words that are carved into my anniversary present for the girl that I am, have been, probably forever will be, madly in love with.

_Honey Bunches of Oats_

Spencer shakes her head. "It's perfect Ash. You're perfect." She tells me with a warm smile, with bright, twinkling eyes.

I shrug. "I try."

"Well, ya did good." Spencer chuckles, wrapping her arms around me. I press a kiss to her neck. "It's the best present I've ever gotten." She whispers into my ear.

"Oh yeah?"

Spencer pulls away after giving my nose a quick kiss. She nods, slipping on the ring with a big smile.

I smirk at Spencer, the hand in my pocket holding the small, black velvet box that is ready to prove her last statement wrong.

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**Thank you so much to everyone who read and followed this story, and reviewed and alerted and favorite-d and all of those wonderful things. I really, really loved writing this and I hope you all loved reading it as well! You guys are great. :D**


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